Mind Matters

"To think that one day I would go travelling (alone) to Australia  just never even crossed my mind and never seemed feasible. Travelling was something that only "normal" and "rational" people did; people who loved a challenge, excitement, adventure; who wanted to feed their love of spontaneity and who loved every day to be different!

So how did I expect that I would ever cope? Me - someone whose self-hatred and low self-esteem had stopped her leaving the house; whose life was governed and ruled by a stranger - a voice in her mind. A girl who used (or refused) food to show control and fight her emotions.

For years I hated what I saw in the mirror, what I thought and felt; who I was. I denied anything was wrong but soon things began to get harder. I saw no point to who I was, what I did. I got no enjoyment out of anything and denied myself the things I once loved. I just wasn't worth it - anorexia was taking a hold.

Initially perhaps I saw my trip to Australia as an escape, a chance to run away from my problems, but deep down I knew that wherever I went in the world there was no getting away from my thoughts and the torment in my head.

I had a lot of hard work to do and would need a strong mind If I was to make this work and come home a "free" person. On several occasions I almost gave up hope and nearly packed it all in.

Was travelling going to make me fat? How on earth would I hide my fear of food? How was I going to mask my rituals and obsessive behaviours at meal times? When would I possibly have time to fit in all my exercise without those around me questioning my actions? And how could I even consider wearing shorts, a vest, a bikini - anything that would expose my unattractive body?

But I guess I saw it as the be all and end all - something concrete and solid to fight for. And I now know how scared and worried those close to me must have been. Worrying how I'd cope, how I'd be whilst away, how I'd look on my return or whether I would return at all! But I felt I had something to prove (and not to someone else this time) but to myself. I was determined to make this happen.

Guilty eating

Of course it was hard; there were times when I would feel guilty for eating that extra slice of toast or for having that chocolate biscuit. But it was that slice of toast and that biscuit that gave me strength to swim with the dolphins, to walk through the rain forests, to see as much of such a beautiful and breath-taking country.

My time away certainly aided my recovery and helped me to put things into perspective. I realised that there are so many amazing things to see and do in this world, so why waste time obsessing about food, my looks and about what others think of me?

If only it was possible to frame everything I saw and did and to trap all the friendly and lovely people I'd met on my journey and be able to bring it all home and share it with people like me, but who never quite get the strength and courage to take that first step on a journey of a lifetime.

It is safe to say that now I have "itchy feet" and am looking forward to planning my next trip and if it wasn't foot the support of my family, friends and the team at Caraline, then I too would never have found the strength."

Caraline, Eating Disorders Counselling and Support Service, is based in George Street West, Luton. The self-support group meets on the last Tuesday of each month, 7pm-9pm. Individual counselling is available by appointment.

Sufferers'/carers' helpline: Mon - Thurs 10am-3pm: 01582 457474