AKA:
Bashful, reticent, self-conscious, sheepish, timid, wary
Am I shy?
Ask yourself:
Do I feel nervous when I'm:
- With people I don't know very well (specially of the opposite sex)
- At parties
- Meeting new people for the first time
- Talking to strangers
- Talking to people in authority, like teachers or policemen
Do I find it hard to
- Look people in the eye
- Ask people for information
- Think of things to say when I'm in a group
- Act natural with new people
- Give my opinion or assert myself
Did I answer 'yes' to over half the questions?
Then you may well be shy
Shyness is very common. About 40% of us would describe ourselves this way.
It's only a problem if shyness stops us doing stuff we want to. Like getting ourselves noticed. Or achieving our potential.
Why are people shy?
Sometimes we are born timid. Maybe it's in our genes. Plus we're all told not to show off or talk to strangers.
For others, we become shy because we've experienced things that make us wary. Maybe we've been rejected. Ridiculed. Ignored. Our self-esteem gets lowered. So we start to avoid the thing that made us feel bad: social contact. Other people. Then it becomes a habit.
What's the problem with being shy?
Shy people are often loyal, thoughtful, conscientious - great friends. And imagine the world if everyone was pushy and loud. So there's no problem being shy - if we're happy.
But shy people can be lonely. And isolated. Or end up being sidestepped: not getting asked out, not getting that pay rise, that uni place. Settling for second best.
How can I stop being so shy?
It's not rocket science. If we want to be good with people, we need to practice. That's it.
Go easy on yourself. You wouldn't expect to pass GCSE Maths without working at it. No one becomes a dazzlingly popular, assertive person overnight.
So start slow. Find a bunch of friends. Or family. Then make sure you get a word in edgeways. Next try asking a question at the end of a lesson. Or even putting your hand up in class. Wait till you're confident here before taking the plunge with strangers. Try asking people about themselves. Get them talking. This takes the pressure off you.
You can do this. If you suffer knock-backs, pick yourself up and try again. No one gets it perfect every time.
Most important: be happy with yourself. Your own approval is more important than anyone else's. So write that list of all the things you're good at. Mine starts with "knowing all the Number Ones from 2001” The cheesier the better.
Further help and advice
NHS advice
More help for shy types
Written by Dr Melissa Sayer
Last updated 17th June 2007
Previous article
Katherine, 15
I used to be really shy, and stayed in the libary a lot of break and lunchtimes, but i found a great bunch of friends and now i couldn't be happier... the hardest part was getting out and making the friends but i'm so so happy now, i couldn't go back.
emmaleah, 14
I'm shy, but only with people i don't know very well. i hate it when people ask me why i don't talk in class. sometimes i get nice compliments from boys so that's helped me a little bit. i hate being shy because if i like a boy i can't go up and talk to him properly lol :)
Billy, 13
I always wanna talk to people, but i cant tink of what to say, so i dont say anything at all. i talk to like, 2 people, but i still cant talk to anyone else. i can if i wanted to, its like, noone really doesnt lik me, everyone knows me. i still cant talk to anyone.
Sabine, 17
I don't think it's fair to say 'So start slow. Find a bunch of friends. Or family. Then make sure you get a word in edgeways. Next try asking a question at the end of a lesson. Or even putting your hand up in class. 'Evidently, to suggest something like that as a 'slow' start, the author of this article has no real insight into the situation. If I was capable of the above, my life would be changed beyond belief. Sometimes, I can't even move for overwhelming self-conciousness and the feeling that everyone is looking at you/ thinks you're odd.Also, I wouldn't say that self-esteem is necessarily linked to shyness; I believe in myself and my abilities, yet put me in a social situation and I shrink.
sarah , 17
I can be shy, but i'm a lot more confident now than i used to be. I think having friends who accept you for who you are are the best thing to make you more confident. What i find funny is that my mum was one of the shyest people at school but my dad one of the most confident. Kinda proves that opposites attract and just because you're shy that doesn't mean that no one ever notices you in a good way.
charlotte, 21
i was shy at school and at college and really regret that now so anyone young reading this time does fly and then you're an adult like me enjoy your life to the max when you're my age you're an adult with responsibilities its not quite the same
Kate, 13
I mainly feel shy when i'm talking to people i'm intimidaded by. When i'm with my friends i'm a bit crazy haha, but then when it comes to speaking to a teacher or something I go really shy and quiet :P. Like before in town, they forgot to put whipped cream on my hot chocolate, and even though i'd payed for it I was too shy to go and ask for some haha. But I think after reading this i'm going to try and be more confident. Thanks :) x
Elizabeth, 16
It's similar to Jonothan's. I fell out with one of my friends and he made hurtfull comments over the net. This has knocked my confidence and made me really nervous about starting 6th form when I hould be enjoying it.
Georgia, 13
I think self-confidence is completely different to general confidence because over time I have become more confident and can talk to people while being relaxed but I have no confidence what so ever to stand up and talk in a class, how can I solve this?
Chris, 17
I was shy up until about year 10. I'd made friends with a kid who came over to my group of friends (at the time) and we chatted and got on brilliant. Eventually, I joined in with his group and made some brilliant friends. Nowadays, at college, we've had a batch of new kids in to make the new year 12. I know some already from various places, but I can't talk to anyone new. I think it's because some people I've known in the past have been totally different than I first thought, and so I cannot trust people well (bad times!). To be honest, if someone talks to me first, I can carry it on and hopefully get to know the person. Not being the best Brad Pitt lookalike, I find it much tougher with girls who must always think I'm there for something other than just friendship. But I get on with girls better than boys more often than not. I don't know really, it's a tough subject. People are judgemental and always will be, but with the knowledge I have that there are some real genuine, lovely people out there, I'm happy waking up knowing that I have a small but brilliant bunch of mates and that's all you need. Quality, DEFINITELY not quantity!
Lorr, 16
ive always been paranoid and dont have much confidence, i never have.. im shy around people untill i know them well enough not to be. i used t hate it but realised some people are just simply shy and people love me for who i am. crazy or shy it doesn matter cuz at the end of the day im still me
Kat, 18
Im always quite shy around people i dont know. But last week i met a guy who is with my mate. we were all there but me and this guy didnt talk much, but i really liked him. turned out he liked me too! and then he made the first move and it happens from there. It really boosted me =]Be confident people!
Tom, 15
The worst thing for m is the steady stream of snide comments from people at school: your ugly, a nerd ETC and also my friends telling me im shy and they hate me. Come to think of it my friends suck!
Frances, 16
i have always been shy and i've always hated it. my parents were very protective of me and now i rely on them to talk to people for me, to phone up the youth hostel so me and my friends can go walking and stay in it, to write notes to my teachers... i think it is also partly in my nature, my mum was shy and so is my dad, but they are the most excellent and cool people in the world. i am lacking in self confidence and crave to have what other people have when they can just stand up in front of a crowd. i think the fear is starting to lessen, and it's great to know that other people have the same problem as me. because being shy in a crowded room of happy, chatting people can be lonely.
Leanne, 18
I get scared about getting a job or even going out when I go to uni just because I'll have to interact with people I don't know.. or, if I'm having a really bad day, even people I do know. I'm hoping uni might change this but I'm not sure, it just seems to get worse and worse.
Amanda, 15
Im only ever shy in public. At my house or my friends house i am confident but when im at school or in town im VERY shy. i cant stand up in class to get a piece of paper or ask a question. i hate it. No one notices me anymore, and if they do its not a good thing.
Kimmy, 14
I got diognosed with social phobia ages ago and its ruining my life i feel lonely and icolated :( I dont want to go to therapy or anything icant even talk to my family.
Mel , 18
i have been shy forever, and the more i have grown up, you meet more people and your confidence grows. im still shy now but not as shy and your friends can also help you boost you confident.
Sarah, 13
I've been shy my whole life but usually I don't show it. if you don't have it, fake it! Just keep thinking I CAN do this, I AM fantasticDon't let people push you around but don't become too bug headed ^^
Megz, 12
I don't think thats fair. Confidence is different to self-confidence and you can't class them as the same. I am pretty confident; but have really low self-esteem. That doesn't make me shy!!! I just don't think I'm that good a person...
Emily, 16
I have been very shy for a long time. It really helped me thinking about interacting more
Katy, 14
i have a fear of talking to others and im so shy i hate it so much. i tried the things here but im too scared to talk to people :( maybe ill grow out of it
Jonathan, 15
When I go into town with my friends I get comments from random people on my appearance, usual goth etc stereotyping and whatever and it's like every time I go in which is most days and at first I was not bothered I was just thinking I don't even know you so why should I care what you think but now it is starting to get to me and I just find myself thinking should I change or something, I haven't mostly because that would be letting them win but I was wondering what to do really.
Emily, 12
i have been shy for as long as i can remember but i didn't know why it was cos none of my family are as shy as me and you have answered my Question.
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