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Your Favourite Jokes |
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the centre of attention with our jokes |
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Over
the years, you've sent us loads of jokes. Then we started getting
the same jokes over and over.
So we chose the Top 100 Best Jokes from you ...and here they are!
Thanks again to all who wrote in...
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See even more jokes - Joke Album 1 / Joke
Album 2
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FELIX
WHY DID THE ORANGE STOP ROLLING DOWN THE HILL? bECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAVE JUICE
LEFT.
big dale jones
how do you get two whales in a car???............down the m4 and across
the severn bridge
Paul
A very old one!! Why are the soles of elephants' feet yellow? So they can
lay upside down camouflaged in a bowl of custard!
Paul
I used to be big-headed, self-important and a know-it-all. Then I went to
see a psychiatrist. Now I'm perfect.
dean
if marsians live on mars and venusians live on venus who lives on pluto?????
Fleas! (Pluto the dog....)
Brian Tunstall
My friend was always showing me photos of his dog saying how clever it was,
bringing his paper & slippers, it could nearly talk, so when he brought
in the album from his daughters wedding I looked through it and said, "hang
on" where`s the dog, he looked at me as if I was stupid and said "well
someone had to take the photos"
anna
what's the difference between frank sinatra and walt disney? frank sings
but walt does'nee
Dave
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? A bio ethical debate
about the dangers and controversy surrounding genetic engineering
Simon
Three Irish men walking home from the pub: Shamus, Paddy & Liam. They
take a shortcut through a graveyard to the road. Shamus is the first one
to fall over, "What's that Paddy asks?" "I tripped over a
grave stone" said Shamus, "and the fella was 73 years old when
he died....!" "Blimey O'Reily" said Paddy, just as he himself
tripped and fell. "This fella was 97 when he shuffled off" states
Paddy, "and his name was John Taggart", "Blimey O'Reily"
says Liam, just as he himself goes flying over another gravestone, "By
the love of Mary..! "Exclaims Liam, "This fella was 157...!"
What was his name asks Shamus & Paddy, simultaneously..?" Liam
bends down, striking a match in the gloom to see the name on the stone,
rising slowly he says..... " His name was Miles………………..
from Dublin.."
BIG JC (rich man)
why didnt the skelton go to the party? Coz it had nobody to go with.
aran
doctor doctor,iv just eaten 5 red snooker balls,4 browns,3 yellows a pink,2
blacks and a blue and i dont feel very well?....doctor replies..no wonder
you arent eating your greens!!
Janna
How many stupid people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to hold
the lightbulb and one to turn the ladder!
bunny boo
why can't the polar eat the penguin? Because he can't get the wrapper off
dean and lindsay
what do you call a man who plays with leaves? Russel
Rhiannon Soulsby
Where do lions like to shop? At a jungle sale
Bill
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic? Wondered for days if there was
a dog!
Katie Hemingway
Why did the banana go to the doctors? Because he wasn't peeling well.
Paul
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He decided to expand his business
and opened a warehouse.
matthew harris
why did the dino cross the road? beacause chickens weren't born yet.
Shellie-Anne
Paddy and Murphy were walking down the street when Murphy fell down a hole.
Paddy yelled to Murphy, "Is it dark down there?" Murphy replied,
"I don't know, I can't see!"
Big Si
Man goes into the doctors and says "Doctor I can't stop singing 'The
green green grass of home'". "Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome".
"Is it common?". "It's not unusual...."
john
Three guys were asked what they would like people to say about them when
they were looking at them as they lay in their coffins after they had died.
the first guy said he would like people to say he was a good guy and a great
mate, the second guy said he would like people to say he always did the
right thing and he was a good guy, after a bit of thought the third guy
said he would like people to say........ he's moving!!
Alex.C. Anthon
What did the police man say to his tummy? You're under a-vest!!!!!
otto
knock, knock. whos there? biggish... biggish who? no thanks just bought
one...
phil
William Shakespeare walks into a bar. "Oi," says the barman, "you're
bard!"
Blouser
What makes this noise? oooooOOOOO, oooOOOOO a cow with no lips
Paul
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put him in the microwave till
he's Bill Withers.
Peter Walkeden
Did you here about the chap who was so sexist that he thought that "harrass"
was two words ?
martyn austin
two lumps of sick walking down the road, one stops and starts crying. his
mate says 'what's the matter mate?' he replied, 'i was brought up round
here.'
Jack
A man was delivering some monkeys to Chester zoo, when his van broke down.
he was standing at the side of the road wondering what to do when he saw
a farmer approaching with an empty lorry. He flagged the farmer down and
offered him £500 pounds to take the monkeys to the zoo. The farmer
agreed and the monkeys were transferred to the farmer's lorry and off he
went. A couple of hours later the man was still waiting for a breakdown
vehicle to come when he saw the farmer coming back, still with the monkeys
on board. He flagged the farmer down again and asked why he hadn't taken
the monkeys to the zoo. "I did." said the farmer. "We had
a great time and there is some money left over, so I'm taking them to Alton
Towers."
SHRIMP
Why has EDWARD WOODWARD got 4 D'S in his name? If he hadn't he would be
EWAR WOOWAR
HEZ
What did the traffic light say to the car? Dont look i'm changing!
michelle
what do u call a deer with no eyes......................... i have no idea
ian
what do you call an elephant with no legs? anything you want it can't chase
you.
Tom
What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do? Board.
michaelcross
two packet of walkers crisps are crossing the road and they get ran over.
the man gets out of his car and says "do you want a lift in my car
to the hospital?" and they say "no thanks we're walkers".
gazman
A hamburger walks into a pub, the barman says, "sorry we don't serve
food"
Progger
A transvestite is a man who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
loo roll
why did the hedgehog cross the road? to see his flat mate
Tony
What happens when a stick of dynamite is thrown into a French kitchen? Linoleum
blownapart.
Mike M
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those that understand Binary
and those that don't!
rebecca jones
how do you cook toast in the jungle?? Under the gorilla
adam
Two antennae got married. The wedding was bad, but the reception was brilliant
Tim
A man walks into a bar and orders a double entendre, so the barmaid gives
him one!
vinny
What do you call a fish with no eye? fsh
win
what do you call a man with a spade in his hand? doug!!!
layla
whats the best thing about snakes? their poison-ality!
eddie
why did the golfer were 2 pants? incase he got a hole in 1
ramsden
a white horse walks into a pub the barman comes up to him and says 'thats
funny this pub is named after you' the white horse replies 'oh what, its
called Stan?'
Pete
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
Progger
A man went to a fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back. "What
have you come as then?" asked his friend. "A snail" he replied.
"How can you be a snail, all you've got is that girl on your back."
"That's not just a girl, that's Michelle!"
Mark
A fat lady says to a schoolboy standing at the roadside waiting to cross,
"Sonny, could you see me across the road?". The boy replies, "Of
course I can, I could see you a mile away!"
The Alma
Did you hear about the man who died in a bowl of muesli? He was pulled under
by a strong currant!!
Mark
A man drives down a country lane, suddenly breaks down, and is forced to
pull over to the grass verge. As he looks under the bonnet he hears this
voice say, "Its the catalitic converter". He looks around him,
but he cant see anyone. He hears the voice say the same thing again, "It's
the catalitic converter". As the man hears the voice again, he notices
a horse by a tree walking over to him. The horse says "You're not listening
to me. Take it to the garage around the corner". The man can't believe
it. A talking horse he thinks.. Impossible! That afternoon, while he's in
the pub, he tells the barman about the talking horse,and the barman says,
"Yes I know, its amazing. You were lucky. There's a cow in that field
that knows nothing about cars!"
Andy
A man walks into a bar....ouch!!
Anon
Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7, 8, 9!
Eddie
Little boy : Mummy, Mummy can we have a dog for Christmas? Mother: No, we'll
have turkey like everyone else!
Pete Endacott
Two snowmen in a field, one looks at the other and says,"can you smell
carrots?"
Bethanie
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Martyn
Tony Blair visits Glasgow hospital, and he's shown around. In one ward,
one patient says to him, "My lurve is leek a rade rade rose..".
The next patient says to him "Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!". Tony says to his guide: "..Psychiatric
ward?". Guide says: "Nope.. serious Burns unit..." |
