I am transgender

Alice's Story

I was born a boy named Alan in a Christian family. My Mum had died, so it was my Dad, my older brothers and my little sister.

I'm only two years older than my sister Jennifer and we have always got on well. When we were younger we used to play with dolls together.

My brother Chris would laugh and take pictures and play around, but my Dad acted like I was a freak and would yell at me, separate me from my sister and tell me to go and play ball games with my brothers.

“My Dad acted like I was a freak and would yell at me”

Alice

But I didn't stop. It was what I wanted, so I carried on playing with dolls. In fact, when I was seven Chris bought me my own doll, but of course told me not to tell Dad.

Jennifer and I had a lot of friends, and their favourite game was to dress me up in their clothes and put make-up on me. When I first looked into the mirror, in a pink party dress with my hair in pigtails and my eyelids blue, that was the first time 'Alice' stared back at me and I felt like myself.

It sounded really cheesy to me at the time and still does now, but it was actually quite emotional.

For over a year I would get up at night, put on my sister's clothes and look at Alice again. Of course, at that time no-one called me Alice, but that's who I felt I was.

I asked my Dad if I could move out of my brother's room and share with my sister. He didn't like the idea, but my brothers backed me up, so he let me share until I was eleven. This way it was easy for me to steal her clothes and become the girl I felt like.

Discovered

After a year, my eldest brother Gary walked in on me dressed up. He beat me up and called me names. I was only nine and really confused. I was confused over how I was feeling and everything that was happening and why I was a boy if this was what I wanted and how I felt.

“At that time no-one called me Alice, but that's who I felt I was.”

Alice

Gary told our Dad, who didn't beat me up like Gary did, but he did smack me and yell at me a lot. He's a devout Catholic and he thought what I was doing was wrong.

I cried a lot that day, but I had Chris and Jennifer to comfort me. Chris told me then that he'd always thought I was transgender and explained to me what it meant.

It was a little too much for me to understand being so small, but it did sound right. Chris also said that when I got older there would be help for me and that he would help me feel safer.

Since I was bullied so much at school, I was home schooled during primary, but I really wanted to go to school and try and make friends.

My Dad wouldn't let me go to the youth club with Jennifer and Chris, because he said I embarrassed them (even though it was obviously he who was embarrassed).

Secondary school

My Dad let me go to secondary school in Year 9 and I started to make a few friends, mostly girls who saw me as an effeminate man, but boys would still beat me up and call me names.

Half way through the year, I began wearing the girl's uniform and wearing make-up to school so they phoned my dad. That time he did beat me up, and it hurt much more than when Gary had.

By now Gary and Chris had grown up, Chris in college, and they both defended me and explained that I was transgender. But Dad said something about 'sin' and 'Satan' that to this day I still don't understand.

“She had a massive go at my Dad, telling him how there was nothing wrong with me”

Alice

He made sure I always went to church every Sunday, even if I was really sick, and told me that he was going to find a therapist to change me.

When I was 15, Dad told all this to my Aunt Mary (mother's sister) and she was shocked and had a massive go at him, telling him how there was nothing wrong with me and that I was probably transgender.

After that I went to live with her, and things got a little better for me. I had my own room (painted pink!) and decorated how I wanted it - it looked just like a girl's room.

My Aunt took me to a therapist who diagnosed me with gender disorder, and told me about my options.

Then my Aunt told me that when my mum was pregnant with me, she thought I was going to be a girl and had even made a list of girl's names for me, which my Aunt still had. Alice was third on that list and that was the name I chose.

When I started at my new school, my Aunt made sure that I was called Alice and that I was able to wear the girl's uniform.

I was still bullied a lot and made to use the boys toilets and do P.E with the boys, but it was better that it ever could have been living with my dad and my Aunt made several complaints about the bullying.

Jennifer and Chris visit me every other weekend and Gary every month, although I haven't spoken to my Dad since I left.

The future

When I was sixteen, I started getting my hormones and my wonderful, amazing Aunt is saving up for gender reassignment surgery! Now I'm at college, where a few people annoy me but that's it, and I have a bisexual boyfriend who knows all about me.

Things look great for me now and for the future, even if my dad didn't support me, I still had my Aunt who I now owe everything to.

I'm also very glad that I've become friends with Gary, and I'm going to be a bridesmaid at his wedding in a few months!

Being transgender is hard and very scary, but try talking to your siblings, close friends or even an Aunt! You can still have a bright future and things will get better, I promise!