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24 September 2014

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The Morris Telford Archive
Morris Telford - The Weblog
Morris Telford's - Diary of Adventure

Below are links to all the previous weeks of the Morris Telford weblog. Follow Shropshire's answer to Jack Kerouac as he travels through the world on his mission to convert people to the Shropshire way of life...


See what everyone's saying and leave a message on our Morris Telford Message Board

View a printable version of this page.

Name: Morris Telford

Age: 34

DOB: 18/04/70


Hobbies: Enlightenment, Philosophy, Bingo

Favourite book – Ordnance Survey Map of Shropshire 1999 edition

Favourite foods – Pickled Eggs

Favourite Vegetable – Anything grown in the fertile soils of Shropshire

Favourite film – Late For Dinner

Favourite colour – The delicate cyan of the dinnertime sky in Moreton Say.

Favourite British County – Shropshire

Favourite Place – Moreton Say

Favourite Postal Code Area – TF9

Favourite radio
frequency - 96FM

Favourite sound – The gentle breeze rustling through the leafy glades of Moreton Say

Favourite Clive – Clive of India

Favourite Iron Bridge - Ironbridge

Favourite band – Men From Earth *(shameless plug)

Biggest inspiration – Marlowe Bidforth

Is Morris a madman, a genius - or both? Have your say on our Morris Telford Message Board - and see what other people are saying about him.
Communicate with Morris via the Morris Telford Message Board - or look back through the archive to find out what happened in previous weeks.

Week Forty Nine - Address Unknown
It's an emotional week for Morris as he says goodbye to Norman, but gets one step closer to Milo. We also discover what's wrong with Moreton Say's clock and why you should never try to fit an EP573-5 fax toner cartridge into an EP575-T.

Week Forty Eight - Donkey Business
Seemingly alone in a deserted Greek town, Morris prepares to cross the Atlantic to do battle with his nemesis. But first, he must find Norman, his missing donkey.

Week Forty Seven - Brand New Heavy
Morris is finding it tough going in Greece.
Facing strong competition from a big-thinking Milo (and a big bodyguard), we ask if Morris has finally met his match.

Week Forty Six - Unfriendly Fire
With his donkey in charge of travel arrangements, Morris leaves Albania behind and heads south. Back in Greece, his motivation is renewed when he encounters some unwelcome competition.

Week Forty Five - Albanian Wisdom
Ditching his French Horn and donning a cloth cap, Morris takes his message of Salopian goodwill to Albania.

Week Forty Four - Great Eggspectations
Although almost certain death camps out on Morris' dusty patio, help arrives... carrying a tuba. Music, orchestral ramblings and the little-known history of the ubiquitous eggcup.

Week Forty Three - Fashion Victim
Morris gets chased out of Athens and heads for the hills in the latest instalment... but not before he becomes a published author (Seriously!).

Week Forty Two - Olympics, Day 17
A pair of trousers, a jumper and a calendar with some kittens in it is more than Morris needs to sustain him as he reminds Athens of the origin of the modern Olympics.

Week Forty One - New Beginnings
Morris might not be much of a midwife... but he finds his passport and accepts his mission to "smash open the padlock of falsehood" and take his message of Salopian goodwill to an unsuspecting world.

Week Forty - Gingerbread and Tears
Morris has trouble persuading his mum to let him have his passort back. However, he's got plenty to keep him busy in Moreton Say - including a run-in with the Market Drayton police, reorganising a stationery department and help deliver Sophia's baby.

Week Thirty Nine - Alive and well in Moreton Say
We discover that 'certain death' isn't what it used to be as Morris wakes up in a perfect world... that'll be Shropshire. Morris discovers that mother Moreton Say provides everything that makes life worth living - Countdown, Carol Vorderman and those Dangermouse pyjamas that should have been destroyed in 1996. We even seized the chance to interview the man himself.

Week Thirty Eight - Flying Popeless
The group of adventurers are still airborne (just about), but Phil's navigation is causing a few concerns. Apparently there's a sea lion in the jacuzzi... Meanwhile we wonder if the end is nigh?

Week Thirty Seven - A Shot in the Arm

Still in Alaska, Morris faces accusations, negativity, bullets and something that would make Aunt Felicity squeamish. But Morris is master of his own fate and nothing's going to stop him from getting back to Moreton Say.

Week Thirty Six - Dogged Irritation
Morris is on his way home. But first he has to find a military base, with a nutter for a guide... and a mythical bear (with a penchant for baking) tracking his every move. Can Morris replicate the form he displayed in the legendary summer of 1993?
Only time will tell!

One thing is beyond doubt: Devon (and Aunt Felicity) have a lot to answer for!

Week Thirty Five - A New Hope
In a small, frosty backwater of Alaska, a minor rebellion is brewing, fueled by the "knife and fork of [Shropshire] goodness and decency".
Life may be cheap in the town of Lost Hope, but there's a new Pope in town... and he comes from west of Market Drayton!

Week Thirty Four - The Pope of Lost Hope
Morris' paranoia turns into reality as he is demonised by the good folk of Lost Hope. Little does Morris know that a shadowy, James Bond-style villain, lies behind this victimisation. And some terrible, terrible news from back home.

Week Thirty Three - The Photocopier of Fate
As temperatures plunge below zero, Morris has to contend with hyperactive huskies, frostbite and a dodgy palmtop pc. At least the paperclips come in handy! All is certainly not well with the huskies: "Thomas Telford urinated on Percy Thrower. Percy retaliated by trying to mount him and Sandy Lyle MBE ate all my mints".

Week Thirty Two - The Year of Morris
It may be a white Christmas, but Morris feels the big chill in Alaska. However, Morris has the flame of Shropshire truth to keep him warm... and Jimmy 'The Flake', who reveals that there's 'sno business like snow business.

Week Thirty One - Earth moves for Morris
A last attempt to enter the Tokyo consciousness - A week of earth tremors, tupperware and the tale of the 1978 Shropshire mission to Mars.

Week Thirty - Twisting my Melons
An unfortunate incident involving a van load of melons and a group of rampant octogenarians... And then things start to get really weird!

Week Twenty Nine - Beware Of The Fish
Morris heads for Tokyo and discovers that Japanese fish aren't as friendly as his pet goldfish Dave....

Week Twenty Eight
- Model Moreton Say
Has Morris finally found his niche in the comfortable Shaolin community? Has his quest for Salopian peace and harmony reached fruition? Well nearly.

Week Twenty Seven - 'The Bosoms of Opportunity.
Morris leaves the beaten track in China and heads into the mountains. Just as he's about to breathe his last, help arrives in a strange guise.

Week Twenty Six
The Less Trodden Path
It's dodgy DVDs, Doris Day, genetically-modified rabbits and burnt nipples for Morris as his adventures continue in rural China!
As Morris discovers, "The less trodden path is often so full of stones."

Week Twenty Five - 'The way of the badger!'
The hand is quicker than the eye for Morris in Shanghai... and legs are quicker than both!

Our unwavering Salopian becomes a one man death machine as he's forced to follow the way of the dragon.
All is not well!

Week Twenty Four - Adventures in Advertising
Our intrepid idealist takes it all in his stride in Shanghai as he adopts a little eastern philosophy:
"Sometimes you have to awaken the sleeping dragon to find out what it really thinks."

Week Twenty Three
- Morris entertains the waiting passengers at Frankfurt Airport with a few games of bingo but gets involved in a fracas with an angry American couple. Finally he boards his flight to Shanghai and learns that there's more to tea in China than there is in Market Drayton.

Week Twenty Two - Having escaped the clutches of mad Mavis the pet therapist, Morris checks into a German hotel where he enters a poetry competition... but will his verses about Moreton Say and the merits of international bingo markers be enough to impress the judges?

Week Twenty One - On a coach trip to Germany Morris finds that the other passengers are not as interested as they should be in his tales of Shropshire life. After a breakdown, Ignatius the driver goes AWOL and Morris is left to the mercy of Mavis the pet therapist who has taken rather a shine to him...

Week Twenty - It's all Dutch to Morris as he tries to persuade the people of Gorinchem to move to Shropshire. He gives a great speech in the main square and many people are moved.. in fact they're so moved that they disperse like as many autumn leaves leaving a leafy pile of leaves.

Week Nineteen - "Today I was given the great honour of naming a new child, a little girl that had been born the day before. Each new member is given a commune name, a creature and a colour... None of them looked terribly happy as I held little Red Herring and told them how lovely she was."

Week Eighteen - Travelling to 'hell and back' at 120mph with a narcoleptic Hell's Angel may not be the safest way to see Holland, but Morris doesn't care. He journeys on, spreading the Shropshire message wherever he goes.

Week Seventeen - Amsterdam's nightlife proves a bewildering experience for Morris, who will never again buy instant custard. The week proves a success however, as Morris says, "Wherever the wind of fate blows me, I know there is a small rubber shop in Amsterdam that will be forever Shropshire."

Week Sixteen - Amsterdam proves full of surprises for Morris. He meets a man called Hans with hands like shovels and spends a couple of evenings on his canal boat where he encounters something that shouldn't be touched with a bargepole... and then proceeds to touch it with a bargepole!

Week Fifteen - This week Morris holds a Salopian Auction in Perth, offering Aussies the chance to bid for some postcards, some polaroids, a packet of Polos and the services of Morris himself. Sadly he discovers he is only worth $17.50... which is slightly less than the Polos...

Week Fourteen
- Morris reaches Perth in Western Australia and sets out to find Biggest Bingo... he's acutely aware that his campaign to Shropshire-ise the world is not hitting home. Action must be taken, so he plans a great Salopian auction - with himself as star prize!

Week Thirteen - Morris says a sad farewell to John, Paul, George, Ringo and Jon Bon Jovi to hitchhike across the outback...from Ayres Rock, spending a couple of nights at the Filthy Mug... trekking for days on end... and hang on... isn't that Ayres Rock?

Week Twelve - Morris starts out for Ayers Rock with the female Beatles tribute band but things don't go well and when the girls start hallucinating, Morris is forced to call the flying doctor... "John had started to call me Yoko so he arrived just in time."

Week Eleven
- The Americans just weren't ready for him - will the Aussies fare any better? This week Morris meets a fellow Salopian is shocked to discover that he doesn't want to go home... Morris soon fixes that! And all before heading into the outback with a female Beatles tribute band.

Week Ten - The Winnebago surfing turns out to be a really bad idea... especially as Morris doesn't 'bond' with the 'magic hat'... but every cloud has a silver lining... the hospital provides Morris with the inspiration he needs to travel to his next port of call...

Week Nine - "Am I doing something wrong?" Morris asks, as war breaks out in Iraq. George and Tony are just not listening and poor Morris is beleaguered by self doubt. Still at least he meets a nice couple with a Winnebago, a lizard and couple of hard hats...

Week Eight
- Watch out Country Life Magazine - Morris has heard about the survey where Shropshire came only 20th out of 37 counties... he is not a happy man. "If Country Life is an infected boil on Shropshire’s peachy bottom, then I am the lance and a course of antibiotics."

Week Seven - Morris sets up a little piece of Shropshire in a park in Hueytown but even the free sandwiches and lemonade don't win him a crowd... so, disappointed but not disheartened, he travels on to Tuscaloosa where he launches a media campaign....

Week Six - Morris' mission continues, hampered only by a sore bottom and a mild headache. After two orange flavoured junior aspirin, he hitches a lift with a trucker called Ahab and realises that he is a dazzling beacon of purity in a world tainted by country music and greed.

Week Five
- Our traveller presses on to take his message into the wilderness that is the United States of America, where multi-channel TV and truckers who aren't ho they seem await him...

Week Four
- Morris Lands in the USA and promptly gets locked up.

Week Three
- Inspiration is found in the form of some nice naked Australian ladies.

Week Two
- Across the Shropshire border and beyond.

Week One - Morris gives up his job and sets out on his mission to bring peace to the world.

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