Thanks to all the knackered chefs for their recipes. It's for all those livin' a modern life in the fast lane, who simply don't have time to cook when they crawl oot the boozer. Send your recipes to: chewinthefat@bbc.co.uk

New Updates at last!

Kebab in the Hole by Fanny Chops and Numpty

Take wan donnar kebab, fresh fae the Palace, Cambie Main Street, (and nae rammin' it up yir pal's keichy winker). Insert it in tae a cheeky wee man, ah mean, nan. Mind yir hot sauce noo, fir that classy taste (try no to get aw doon yir new Kappa, yir ma will kick yir erse). Now shove it into yir gub and you hiv kebab in the hole. It's kinday ah two fir wan...you'll be tastin' it again when you whitey it intae a bucket!!!!

Agneau Epice Hache en Croute A la Bordelaise   by Bill (The Bear) Haddow

Don't get excited wi the "Hache" bit, it jist means the spicy lamb gets choapped up afore getting stuffed intae a thingy an' done in wi wine (Ah know, ah know, "been there, done it").
 
It's a shooey in. Knock 2 mutton pies and bung a good slug o' Bucky doon the Magic Eye o' the pair o' them. Fire them intae yir minger's pinger an' gie them 3 minutes at 800 Watties or 4 minutes if its a wee 600 Wattie or she's no cleaned it. Enjoy.

"Crisps 'n' Ginger" by Jabba (dedicated to his pal Eddie)

Ensure wan is completely blootered... no yer ordinary blootered mair yer "I huv tae get a taxi hame cos I cannae walk" type blootered.

Jump in a taxi at Paisley Gilmour street. makin sure ye survive the bampottery while waiting; Nae talkin to tramps, daft wee boys or auld wimmin.

Get taxi hame...Get oot taxi...Get back in taxi...

"I've pure dead got the munchies... an' at no? take us tae the gairage pal..."

Arrive at the gairage... go tae the windae...say
"crisps an' ginger, pal."

Yer choices are as follows....
1) Cheese'n' Onion and Irn-Bru.....(only when ye've got a burd fur the night)
2) Salt'n'vinegar and diet cola .... (when ye want tae impress)
3) Curry crisps and red cola ..... (Pure boggin)
4) Twigglets and Dr Pepper .... (fer that fag ash effect, saves on ra smokes)

Instruct Mr taxi driver tae "take me hame again noo."
Ye should ge change oot of a fifty bar fae the taxi driver ... If yer on ra giro culture... dae a runner!

Bon pure dead apetit as they say in Feegie park...

Neds coldslaw  by Alex Logan

Right, ye get hauf a cabbage an use yer flickknife tae cut it up un shove it in a bowl or any hing that haulds sumhin (like an arse hole). Chib up a carrot an dae the same an apple an a few spring onions like at. Chuck oll em in tae the bowl(or arse hole), then get twa haun fulls o mayo an mix it in wi yer finger. Then chuck it in ae frige an there ye are, neds coldslaw.
Ideel surved wiv burgur.

FAT PIE SURPRISE by Gordon "Gaz tae ma mates" Kerr

Step wan: Get a doze o' cash frae yer auld man's swag bag, an' heid doon
yer local griggs.

Step too: Get askin' fer a roll 'n' sausage, two pies an' a poke o'
crisps, flavour optional.

Step three: Open yer roll 'n' eat the sausage oot it. Noo, pit wan pie
in wan side o' the roll an wan pie in the ither. Open yer poke an' slap
yer crisps ontae wan side.

Step faw: Slap the two sides th'gether an squeeze doon hard, makin'
sure no' tae git any grease oan yer trakkies.

Step,aw...next step: GIT STUCK IN YE PURE PIE MAN!

Scran by LordVoldemort8me

Get some Fish fingers, some Chocolate, 1/2 Tomato pot of Jam, 1 tub saffron.

Separate the fish fingers. Chop up everythin' else and then place in a bucket mix it then eat wi' a spoon.

Bucky fizz by Helmsy

Pit wan boatil ay the finest bucky intae the fridge fir a guid few oors
and wan boatil ay champers, like asti spewmanty or some othe fancy
stuff. Take yir boatil ay bucky oot, fire a guid bit intae a glass an
toap it up wi' yir champers. Pure class bucky fizz man.
Goes brilliant wi' a tray ay donner meat, ken whit am sayin' ?

Noodle Ding by Big Dave fae Bo'ness

This is a dead easy wee recipe for when you come in fae the boozer an' ye' huvnae pulled a burd so ye' need some cumfae food. And it's a lot safer than Partick roulette (also known as makin' chips when yer pished). Purchase a packet of super noodles from the garage on the wey hame (two if yer a fat b****rd) and place the noodles in a large non metallic bowl. Rather than water, add half a tin eh special brew (a whole tin if you use two packets) and stick in the micro for three minutes, or four if you can be arsed waiting. Remember to stir with somethin' hauf wey through. For a flash continental flavour use buckie instead o spesh. Season well wey they mad wee packets eh stuff and then go sod it and add hauf a jar eh curry powder and a generous dollop eh ketchup. You'll fall asleep before it even touches yer mooth, lovely.

Home-made Toffee Pops by Billy

The quick and easy snack that will no only impress the priest when he's visiting(scrounging), but also fills ye right up to sickness point when you've got the munchies.
Ingredients: 1packet of digestives, or Abernethy's 1 mars bar Simply cut the mars bar into four equal sizes, place each piece between two digee's and squeeze together, (no too firmly or they'll break and you'll lose that appetising look), This will produce a big giant thick toffee pop and you'll instantly feel like a Jamie Oliver type botton. Happy munching! Billy.

Flambe Burger a al Ned by George

Get Findas burgers, ram them under the grill. Open a can of Tennants and pour over the burgers in in the grill pan. Turn the grill up high and put them on the top shelf (easy tiger - o the grill) stand back or it'll blow the coupon aff ye. Wait until the flames fae the burger fat and the Tennants have turned the top o the cooker black. Turn aff the grill noo or you'll burn the hoose doon. Serve wae a bun and loads of sauce and enjoy that flame grilled Tennants taste.

wackibackimunchieplatteroanapiece by Eddie

Here's a brammer of a snack fur when yuv been puffin the weed or yer so pissed ye canny remember yer name.

Stuff ye need:
A can o' Heinz Beans 3 immature chickens (eggs)
4 slices o' plain breid
a quarter pun o' gammon
hauf a pun o' butter
hauf pint o cow juice
some dehydrated watter from Saltcoats (salt)

First try an fun yer way intae the kitchen, make sure its yer ain. Open the beans and fling them intae a pot or stick them in the poodle drier to warm them up. Scramble yer eggs wi the butter an cow juice. Take the breid and toast wan side of 2 pieces then put yer gammon oan and then yer beans and then yer scrambled eggs. Stick the breid back under the toaster until its nice and broon. There ye huv it but watch whit yer doin when ye take a bite, the scrambled eggs and beans huv a tendency tae splatter oot the sides like diahorea oot a waens nappy.  

By the way, dinnae use wan o' they stand up toasters, its a right pain in the arse gettin the beans oot later.

BOWF BOURGIGNON (or GOULISH) by James

This is a great recipe if you want to give the impression to pals or even casual acquaintances that you're a wee bit of an international, jet-setting playboy. Classy burds too, like hairdressers, will be putty in your hands if you invite them round chez vous to scoff this with a wee bottle of vintage Lambrusco.
STEP ONE Go to nearest shop. Look for the tin of stew nearest to its "best before" date. (This keeps your costs down.) Also buy tin of carrots. As above. Get tin of peas.
STEP TWO Go back to flat. Put saucepan on gas. If you don't have gas, don't worry, this recipe will still work on an electric cooker. Open tins.Bung into pan. Warm through thouroughly while stirring.
STEP THREE This is the clever bit. Put large pinch of paprika into mixture. Don't worry if you don't have any exotic Indian spices like paprika, half a bottle of brown sauce will do just as well.
STEP FOUR Serve to impressed friend or burd. If he/she says "This tastes funny!" Tell them "It's meant to, it's foreign." while reminding them how much this would cost in a posh restaurant.
BON APPETIT!

Crispy Pancake Potnoodle Suprise by Mad Baz fae Canada (the good bit).

Bare wae me guys cos am jellied oot ma nut and i jist got intae a fight wae ma burd cos she caught me nippin her sister in the middens, anyhows.
Go intae yer maw's freezur and pull oot a pack o' findus crispy pankcakes, open them up wae yer flicky and pull the buggers oot. Leave them tae thaw while yi go get some breed fae yer maw's breed bin.
Pull 2 slices of the pan breed in the toaster and allow them to broon; while your waiting, stick the kettle oan and stick the crispy pancakes in the microwave and nuke them at the highest level for 12 minutes.
When yer kettle is bubblin away, get a chicken and mushroom pot noodle (a golden wonder wan no, wan o' them pish wans you get for 5 bob, they're just pure mokit). Open the top of the pot and stick the water in there and let it sit for 5 minutes, shit i forgot tae say pull oot the wee bag of soy sos oot first cos ull need that later as a garnish.
Right anyways after thats done u want tae check yer pancakes hivny bloated up and spewed aw the nice goodness oot on tae the inside of the micro cos then yer maw will hiv tae cleen it when she wakes up the morra which isn't too good cos then ull get a slap roon the lug and she'll be moaning in yer ear fur ages man.
Efter the pancakes are hot aw the way thru get yer toast and lay it on a plate, stick wan pankcake on each of the bits of toast and then garnish it with the now ready pot noodle (add soy sos according to taste). Iusually just stick some red sos on it or if we're oot i jist put some broon sos on it but we're never oot of red sos cos my mammy loves that stuff, same way spageti hoops, she loves them anaw. Best served with a tizer or bucky, whatever's in yer maw's fridge. Righto am aff tae slit ma wrists, cherio.

Banana Buck Shake by Wee Billy Bob Joe fae Twechar man!

Banana Buck Shake (Good for heart burn and geese yae the shites) Get wan botle a bucky, a pint a milk, nane ah yer low fat pish mind you. Pore yur tonic intae a blender, throw in yur banana. Pore yur milk intae the blender aswel and then blend (make sure the lids on) And there yae huv it Yur Banana Buck Shake (Great fur a curer).

BBQ Buckie Steak by Skindiana Bones.

Pure gallus for a braw summers night. Yer finest sirloin bumped fae yer local Safeway. Half bottle of yer finest holy water fae yer local shop. Marinate yer steak in Buckie fur at least 24 hours. Sizzling BBQ, fire yer marinated steak onti yer BBQ, hey presto.

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