This is the first in a series of cookery programmes for all you fat, pie-eating
Jabba the Huts oot there that couldnae make themselves a cup of tea and
huv tae phone in a takeaway when thur burds at the bingo. Nae more
sittin stuffin yir fat coupons full of chippy grub anymore,
for over the coming series well be gettin gastronomic ned-style.
And tae start the course, where better to go than the land of posh nosh,
France. Today were going to make Coq au Vin (pronounced Cock
o Van), so called because it wiz invented by some French cock
who drove a van, awright?
First of all ye huv tae get yirsel a cock. Nae funny business here,
awright? Dont start nobbin yir dinner or nothin
like wee Barry tried last week at the party. The first rule of cookery
is hygiene. So wash yir hands and try no tae drop any fag ash on yir
So whit you do is get the chicken and ye get yir chib oot n
ye cut its heid aff. Ma wee flick knife is the business for this bit,
ye know? Then ye peel some garlics and shove them right up the chickens
arse man. Mingin, ye might say, but it says in this book it
just dont go trying tae get a winch afterwards, unless yer feedin
it tae her as well.
Then ye get a cheeky wee bottle of red wine, and ye can use whitever
label ye like, but being a traditionalist ah stick wey the Buckfast?
As long as yer no huvin jellies for desert youll be awright,
cause as the Airdrie boys will tell ye, Buckie and jellies dont
make for romantic dinners. Leave yir blade in the kitchen though?
Just in case.
Now you probably only need a hauf bottle, so, if like me youve
had a bit of foresight, youll have got a full wan instead and
youll be huvin a wee shnifter while yir waiting on it
cookin. Just dont get maukit drunk, fall asleep, and burn
the hoose doon.
Right man, Im getting bored ae this, so tae cut a long story
short, you pour the buckie over the burd, wack it in the oven and
wait aboot an hour or two.
Awright. Thats it fir the cookin lark fir wan week. Cheerio,
and if yer cookin fir yer burd, make sure she does the dishes and
you get yer nadjins for yer troubles. Thats all fae the glaikit chef.