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16 October 2014
Chewin' The Fat

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JackProblems, problemsVictor
Sound advice, Victor. Quality. Now, one thing that comes with age, apart from death, is experience. Sure, me and Victor have got tons of the stuff, so we’d like to pass on our knowledge to some of you who have emailed us with your problems.
"Dear Jack and Victor My husband and I have been together for 67 years. Lately, I’ve been feeling he isn’t as interested in…well, the finer things in life. What do you suggest we do to kick-start the old fire and water? Regards, Muriel."
Dear Muriel You have to face facts, pet. There comes a time in your life when pish is the only perfume. Try wearing only one duffel coat when you go to bed. That should arouse the old boy. Sorted.
"Dear boys I’m 74. I’ve found concentrating hard of late and my hearing is… Plus, is it my age or do people keep ignoring me? Regards. D Ogiolman."
"Dear Victor and Jack I find these young scallywags who hang around bus stops and street corners very threatening. Any ideas on what I can do about them? Archie Bald."
Hello, Archie, it’s Jack here. Receiving you loud and clear on this one. These wee bastards need a swift boot in the haw-maws. Time was when you could have gie’d them a good cuffing yourself, but now they’ve got their mobiles wi’ a number straight through to ChildLine. No, Archie, you’ve got to abide by the law…Newton’s law – throw them from a great height, like the roof of your flat. There, that’ll learn them. ..Archie, don’t listen to him! It’s Victor here talking sense, man. Stay in. Get a home help.
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