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16 October 2014

Hope Later


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Arrival, departure

After this weekend still stuck here, and himself's arrival and all too quick departure when he should have stayed longer, I am surer than I have ever been that it is time to leave this place, where I have been for 20 years - most of my adult life.

So much here is not what I thought it was, and the connections here are not what they should have been; and the friends are not what they should have been or what I thought they were. It's been a hard lesson to learn, and to come to terms with, this last couple of years. I have been very wrong in my perceptions of many things. I need to escape and leave all the ghosts here. I'm sick and tired of them and their constant presence; chasing me in neverending circles.

I hope I can find some peace, and some quiet, in amongst the huge landscapes and the weather and the sea. And forget all about the vexatious soundtrack that life has become here: the roar of the traffic, the pestilence of the drunks, the banging of doors, the constant shrieking of sirens, the thudding of so-called 'music' everywhere, and the filth of the streets....the rudeness, and the vanity that is just below the surface, everywhere. The greedy, lazy, corrupt and inept people that run the place; who are merely standing on the shoulders of previous giants and who do no good themselves.

The faster and faster slide into decline of a place I was once proud - fiercely proud - to be part of.

I am weary, and feel I have been robbed of any and all ability to appreciate what little good there actually is in this city. I am surrounded by some of the best that any Scottish city can offer - magnificent architecture, trees, rivers, parks, views, best of restaurants, pubs, theatre.... but I feel nothing about any of it. Nothing here moves me any more. I don't feel anything any more.

I don't know why on earth things got how they are. I need himself to help me out with some answers - or at least by listening to some questions - for it seems I've been deluding myself for a long long time. But he won't help. He's a queer creature altogether; emotionless. Uncomprehending. What a shock it has been.

So I'm going to have to get through whatever happens next, myself.

It'll be a sore test. I hope I've got it in me. Right now I can only hope I've got it in me, because I really am not sure if I actually do.


Reading these islanders' blogs of late have been a delight. Balm for the soul. Especially the blog by Hermit Life! What stunning writing; and what a wonderful, tranquil life. What I wouldn't give for some of that calm and that sureness, and that seeming simplicity of thought and clarity of perception. If there were ever a book to be forthcoming, I would be buying it, and it would have pride of place next to George Mackay Brown on the shelf.


I am not running away. I am running to something I should have done half a lifetime ago. I wish I'd been surer of myself. I wish I hadn't stayed here and trusted him, invested myself in him, to see things brought to these rags and tatters, and watch him walk away.

"...and she gathered the scattered sheets of manuscript together and tied them with the red ribbon that was a gift from the tinker lass..."




Posted on Hope Later at 22:29

Comments

I know exactly how you feel and hope you will find peace an the safe haven that is "small community,life"

carol from over here


I truly do wish you peace and contentment ... Really I do ... But experience has shown me that this comes from *inside*, and not by moving locations ... We all carry our mental baggage around with us, just like its physical counterpart, wherever we go ... I wish it were otherwise ...

soaplady from sorry to be proposing caution ...


George Mackay Brown? He with the jutting jaw and the insatiable thirst? Pretty good writing (though he should have tried harder to find the strength to treat Stella better, methinks). Not bad at all...

mjc from NM,USA


'Tis a hard lesson to learn. I know, I'm going through it myself at the moment. But..there is light, freedom and peace at the end of the tunnel. Keep going - you'll be the stronger for it.

Ellie from down here


Ive just read your blog Hope Later and oh how it echoes a part of me that I left behind sometime ago. Soon the only noise you will hear is the hailstones and raindrops and of the restless wind gently stirring life. Sometimes it is best to just walk away from something that your are not happy with, as you have one life, so live it how you would like to live it. The island life (though the bridge helps) is at times hard and frustrating, mainly due to weather and midges, but sometimes it opens its magic to you, and in those times remember that its you against mother nature, not some unknown person or your darkest thought stealing your sleep in the night.

Over the Sea to Sunny Skye from Skye


Island Blogs are fantastic becasue they combine all sorts of perspectives on life - Sunny's appaling experiences. Hope Later's casting herself upon the wheel of fortune and umpteen absolutley crazy comments with littel apparent connection with reality. But those crazy comments keep me coming back for more - it's worse than junk! Island Junk!! Hope Later, I'm sure that you have the wisdom and strength to prevail over hard times and come out the other side stronger and wiser. Island Bloggers stand at your side to support you!

Barney from Swithiod supportive


Many thanks for your thoughts and your consideration, all. Sorry to offload! As someone who has kept a private diary since 16 years of age, I'm not sure yet how I feel about this whole blogging thing. It kinda just fell out the other night.

Hope Later from not bloomin well there yet


Very wise comment and advice, Soaplady.

mjc from NM,USA


I hope islandbloggers feel free to offer their (individual) support where and when they choose. And to whom.

Flying Cat from not getting involved


Providing support takes lots of energy. Once I finish supporting Moo (a herculean task, as you may imagine), I am ready for a cup of tea and a dozen flapjacks (or IT's tea/eggs/baked beans and toast spread, not to mention Fair Isles' homemade bread[s]). # Arnish, how many psychiatrists are there in all the scottish islands combined? I suspect frightening supply scarcity (in relation to need/demand).

mjc from NM,USA


You don't want to over-indulge in them thar flapjacks and maple syrup mjc - the consequences are too awful to contemplate!

Flying Cat from a sturdy crutch


I think most of us have "been there" at some time in our lives. Most deal with it and eventually life works out. Hope yours does too - good luck.

Robert from Surrey




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