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16 October 2014


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Is there life on Harris?

I notice with a degree of incredulity that no one is writing about anything at all from Harris. Now I know there's a computer in the CAB offices at Tarbert which suggests you have the electric. I'm sure it's not the only one. I expect MacBraynes and the Harris Tweed Gift Shop are also online. If anyone knows of anyone else in Harris with a computer who's not pulling their weight for island blogging let's name and shame them! There's no reason why we should flog our guts out organising a dating festival at the top end of Lewis and clogging the web up with banal trivia when there are bewildered and confused Herachs who could take the strain from off us.
Too busy in their swanky conservatories I suppose. Well let me tell you people of Harris there is more to life than Pilkington Glass and uPVC. Now get off your
well upholstered backsides and represent the south of Lewis which, after all, is what you are and tell is what's going on down your way.
Posted on calumannabel at 20:05


We are in Rodil today with a new bacon slicer aboard. It is a good drying day. Is this the sort of stuff you're after? Yours in hope Woolie Jumper MacDonald MA RAC

WJ MacDonald from Chop till you Drop Mobile Butchers

I've a braw new table tennis bat. It has red bobbles on one side but the other side is shiny and flat. Is this the sort of stuff you're looking for?

Hamish Haswell Endswell from Luskentyre

Flushing out the Herachs has long been our ambition sirs and madames, but also Barra, North Uist, Scalpay, Muck et als, come in please...

Mike from Glasgow

One of the Christmas lights has gone off on the tree. We are wondering if it is the generator that's failing? Is this the sort of stuff you're looking for. Oh and the cat's had three kittens in the loom house so no weaving today.

Donnie Gaul from Amminnuisparetyre

Have read your site. Not much 'appens up your way does it? Funny our mobile butcher's got a new bacon slicer too.Must be the time of year for it? Maybe we should twin Rodil with Cleckheaton? What do you think?

Ebay Gum Mayor of Cleckheaton from The Chambers Cleckheaton Yorkshire

I have rounded up a few Harris troops, and informed them that their reputations are in peril, so there might be some action soon. 'Course Harris is a bit northern and exotic for me...

Cymro Yn Yr Alban from Grimsay

The ferry arrived this morning. it is balck and white with writing on the side. The nose at the sharp end goes up and down to let the cars out. It was accompanied by six seagulls. Is that the sort of thing you're looking for? We are doing a project on the ferry and Agnes Ann is covered in paste.

Angus William MacBrayne from Little Herochs Nursery Kyles Scalpay

'Remember the liver is evil - it must be punished.'

Wayside Pulpit from Continuing Church Hall Contin

There'd be more life in a few Harris Tweeds than a few harris troops, Brave try. It is exotic - I think it's the Taransay effect. But that's Harris - tanning booths and sushi - nothing of real substance, Does Yn Yr Alban still play in Llanelli's second row?

Compo Mackenzie from Temperance Cottgae behind the Cross Inn

We have two wheelie bins in our kitchen, one in our living room,and mum and dad use one each as beside cabinets upstairs. We have flap and a hen flap in our front door and lots of earwigs in the airing cupboard. The butcher has a new bacon slicer. It is faster than his last one. Before that he used to cut it with a knife. His wife is called Maggie Mary Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

Forrest Gunn from Tractor park Toys r Us Rodil

It is a lovely day and we are all excited because it is our Christmas party today. I am playing in the sand pit with Donald John. He is 31 next month. We have a lot of sand in Harris. I think Harris would be a good place to make egg timers. Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

angus william macbrayne (again) from Little Herochs Nursery ,Kyles Scalpay

I live near to St Clment's Church in Rodil and have never heard the bells say 'Oranges and Lemons'. In fact I've only seen lemons in my school book. I get an orange every Sunday afternoon. My orange last Sunday had come from Israel on the ferry. Israel is on the mainland just past Kyle of Lochalsh. The Prime Minister of Israel is ill it says on the news. I wonder if he is in Raigmore Hospital. Get well soon big man - I like your oranges

Jessie James from Scarista PS Primary 3

I live near to St Clment's Church in Rodil and have never heard the bells say 'Oranges and Lemons'. In fact I've only seen lemons in my school book. I get an orange every Sunday afternoon. My orange last Sunday had come from Israel on the ferry. Israel is on the mainland just past Kyle of Lochalsh. The Prime Minister of Israel is ill it says on the news. I wonder if he is in Raigmore Hospital. Get well soon big man - I like your oranges. Is that the sort of thing you'er looking for?

Jessie James from Scarista PS Primary 3

Sorry about the itchy trigger finger. They'll be thinking in the Northern Isles that sending the same message twice is some kind of broadband stereo. Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

Jessie James from Scarista School Dinner Hall

My mother has gone to town today shopping. The batteries in my torch are flat as I left it on all night. The dog is scratching a lot. Mum is bringing some stuff back from Stornoway. That will be the dog's Christmas box my dad says. It cannot be fun being a border collie. My dad says it's got the fleas from the cat and he wants to know if this is the sort of thing you're looking for?

The Macadams Family from 3bTir Na Nog Terrace Tarbert

I saw the butcher's new bacon slicer yesterday. It has a special setting for Ayrshire Roll. The butcher had run out of marac and his van was full of turkeys and customers. The ward sister is wondering if this is really the sort of stuff you're after?

Lachlan Boisdale from Ward 2 Rodil Special Unit for the Bewildered

The postie has a new tyre on his van. The other tyre had a puncture. It will go nicely on the pier at Tarbert to stop the hull of the ferry rubbing against the piles of the pier. The tyre had done over ten thousand miles which is where China is. Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

Donald John from The sandpit Little Herochs nursery Kyles Scalpay

Ah wiz dae'in ma washin' doon the burn aboot a year ago an' saw three ships, A sailin' in, on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day in the morning... D'ya think it's portentious? Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

Morag Morag from The Hi'land Glen

My brother says that herring are kippers that swim folded. Is this the sort of thing you're looking for? ps great blog about the puncture ! I'd imagine that was what they were looking for alright.

Sorley Temted from In a wheelie bin In Levreburgh

Your brother is quite right Sorley, have you asked him about Skate.... Maybe not the sort of thing you're looking for?

Billy Sitch from Snorry Vos

Our Christmas tree fell down last night when the dog leapt up and ate the fairy. That fairy had been in our house for thirty years. My mum had made it in Primary 5. She gave the dog a skelp. It is out worrying the sheep today. I don't think this dog will last long somehow. Dad is digging a hole down the croft as I type . Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

Ruari Chipperfield from Battersea Cottage Mangersta

Our Christmas dinner is hanging up in the garage with it's throat cut over a bucket. Mt big brother said it was Rudolf which made me cry because how would santa bring all the PS2c games? But Mum made it all better by explaining that it couldn't be Rudolf because the carcase hasn't got a red nose. no indeed, she said look at it's big brown eyes, it's obviously Bambi so that's ok! Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

Wee Mamie McMuckie Age 7 from Tarbet

Dear Mrs Chipperfield, We wouls be happy to help you with your canine problem and furnish you with some trimmings for the Christmas dinner at the same time. You may have hear my husband has a fancy new bacon slicer which can in fact cope with many different meats. Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

Mrs WJ Mac Donald from The Butchers Wife

This wireless connection thing is very handy, pity I didn't think of getting my Blackberry fitted with sat nav eh? I was trying to get the mountain rescue as I've been up here for 5 days now but couldn't get past this blogging thing, never mind though I've just been spotted by Sheilagh, apparently she skips along the ridge in her flip flops every Thursday on her way back from Nursery. Thanks for throwing me the rope! Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

Hughey Badclimber from 3rd ledge to the left, Some Cravass , Jaggy Mounta

Our minister has run off with the schoolmistress and we've important exams next term. I know this is the sort of thing you're looking for.

Dux Maclennan from Lustentire Harris

I stand here on a promontory, neglected by the property speculators that bought me years ago. I flash at Harris and beam at Lewis. I wink at the Shiants, maybe the site for the Harris dating festival next Spring, which they are going to run in competition with a similar event under the beams of my colleague at Rubha Robhanais. Not a chance.....

Scalpay Lighthouse from Scalpay

A solicitor writes..Flashing at Harris could get you into a lot of bother...Is this the sort of advice you're looking for?

Ruari Robhanais LLB from Eoropie Chambers Ness

I got a new torch from my Auntie Ina but she got the wrong batteries for it. However the batteries she did get fitted into Dad's radio. We had mackerel for Christmas dinner. Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

Angus Iain Maclennan from Rodil

We had a guy from Arnish nosing about seeing if anyone had a computer in the village. He said he was a lightouse. That confused Granny. Anyway he had a bobble hat, green anorak and kept talking about blogging - a Gealic word Granny didn't recognise. He brought us some coloured beads which was nice. Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

duncanina palastrina mackay from Molinginish Harris

Having read Annie Beags' blog regarding entertainment for the fank I thought about offering Mums' Gramaphone and 78s', they're very good, the collection has such luminaries as Sir Harry Lauder and much ceildhi music. However we were listening to them as the after dinner entertainment last night. Some of the songs show their age unfortunately and will have to be left out of the fank mix such as Saft Daft Sandy and, wait for it, this is a real record and still survives, I'm not making this up, "The Whistling Coon!" I don't want to offend anyone, it's just so out dated as to be gob smaking.This isn't the sort of thing you're looking for?

Teuchter from Not Telling

Listen Teuchter mate, we 're not messing about, we have Harry Lauder digitally remastered singing duets with Barbara Streisand. We've the Kaiserchiefs tributes to Duncan MacCrae and Any Stewart in concert with the Pogues. We're well on top of the music. Donny John Campbell and his wheels of steel will cerainly have the wellies tapping on all five days of the fank.

calumannabel from Lyabbie Road Studios Portnaguran

The coffee shop is full as new year approaches. The shop has run out of newspapers and my dad has just won two pounds on the one armed bandit. There are ten tractors and a Hyundai pick up in the car park as well as the postie's bike as Harris lets its hair down for Hogmanay. Is this the sort of thing you're looking for in the new year?

Cameron Mackintosh from Motochef Tarbert

My mum has been trying to make some exceedingly good biscuits to take to the Dating Festival at Ness. She is going to trade my dad in for something newer. She says the way to a man's heart is through his stomach though it didn't work with Dad. She has made some oaty biscuuits with jam in them. She calls them An T'Ob Nobs. Is this the sort of biscuit you're looking for?

allan john kipling from Leverburgh

The cat has choked on one of my Lego bricks and my brother has buried it in the machair. He made a headstone out of a kipper box with Sparky's name painted in sheep dip. We'll probably get a kitten soon - Norman Morrison down the road has seven. One thing Harris isn't short of is cats. Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

william macpherson from Animal Farm Huishinish

Pan loaves have gone up two pence a loaf since Christmas in the shop in Tarbert. Rich Tea biscuits aren't all they're cracked up to be. Mine drop into my cup when I dunk them. Someone left their false teeth in the cafe on the pierhead they are on display on the dashboard of the mobile library - is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

Scoop MacDuff from Frreelance Reporter Scalpay and beyond

I was in the Coop the other day and there was an old man collecting for Male Cancer. He was droning, "Male Cancer? in a, "We're a' doomed." Kind of a way so I pointed out that maybe he wasn't getting many donations because he was a bit depressing. After all womens cancer gets loadsa cash, it must me because womens cancers are up beat and glam. Take the QVC Breast Cancer Fasion Show not to mention the plethora of ribbons and daffodils etc. you can buy. So I suggested that the male cancer people need to up their game a bit and come up with something better than a sticker for your hard earned cash. "How about gold goolie earings for instance or a colon wrist band?" Said I. The man does not have a positive mental attitude and just cannot think outside the box! Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

Sharpsuit Flash-Carr Advertising Executive from Scalpay & Scalpay, Tarbet Cemetry

Scoop: the teeth have turned up in Berneray. They're on the till in Ardmaree Stores. Morag is on the look-out for a local missing part of an upper set of dentures. Most locals keep a spare set in their BMW or Jag; no-one is owning up. Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

Lotto McLottery-Winner from Millionaire's Row, Berneray

Flash folk on the West Side with their Jag and BMW hen houses. My Auntie Dolina keeps her hens in an Old American yellow school bus. She is the talk of Leverburgh with her flash ways and her peirced ears. Is this the sirt of demograqphic tittle tattle you're after?

Albert Tatler from Top Sante Cottage An T'Ob

The Virgin Wine van has just stopped next door delivering Mairi Morrison's Bombay Gin. She tells us it's Blue Panda pop but we know different. Is this the sort of thing you'e looking for?

hamish grass from An T'Ob Harris

My mother is annoyed withme this morning as I put my Celtic shirt in the Raeburn last night. She says that any team that plays on the Sabbath will lose but I told her that Clyde didn't lose and I want a Clyde shirt for my next birthday. Can anyone tell me where Clyde play? Is it near Raith as I like them as well? I've an inflatable globe in my bedroom that my Auntie Ina from Seattle sent me. It has a patch where I stuck a pin in Glasgow.Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

rory mcgrory from molinginish harris

My mother has joined Weightwatchers in Tarbert. She is hoping to see her feet again by Easter and be down to size 24 in time for the fank. She says Lewismen like a bit of meat on their women but dad says there's a limit. She's hiding in the toilet eating Snackajacks at half a point a biscuit. Is this the sort of nutritional information you're looking for?

slim harris from huishinish harris

I told my mither that I hate Granpaws guts, she advised me to leave them on the side of my plate. Is this the sort of canabalism you're looking for?

Cuddy Dooks from The Ford, Harris

My brother ran into the kitchen last night shouting, "Mither, daddy's going out again. Mither advised her to pour more parafin on him. Is this the sort of homicidal arson you're looking for?

Wee Lois Dooks from On the way to social services again, Harris

Ah wish ah hadnae given Jenny the penny a wedgey now. it's 2.30 in the morning an' I'm still nailed to the black board... bring back capital punishment? I'm using the new voice activated computer that came with the electric. Is this the kind of thing you're looking for?

Haggis McSweeny from P2 Cliasmol

The district nurse has got a new car. It is a Fiesta. My dad has a pile of a magazine of the same name under the bed. Mum is always on to him to get rid of them. He gets them sent from Fort Wiiliam as he daren't go into Tarbert for them. We also get the Beezer, and the Monthly Record. Is this the sort of thing you're looking for?

Colimbus Mc Donald aged 3 from Little Hearachs Nursery Kyles Scalpay

I used to be frightened of our neighbour as I thought he was three people. He is called Tim MacArnearney. I could never work out who Mac and Ernie were so I thought Tim had killed them. You get a lot of time to think in Harris. Maybe it's not such a good thing. Is this the sort of general meandering you are looking for?

Murdo John Morriosn 37 from Ward 15

I got home this afternoon to find that the joiner had delivered the 19ft length of skirting board I was needing. As it was raining he fed it through the letter box as I wasn't in. My hall is 19ft long. The back door and the front door both open inwards into the hall. I hadn't left any windows open. They are new UPVC windows that cost a fortune two months ago. It's pouring with rain and both the doors are jammed shut.... Is this the sort of pre murder motive you're looking for?

Ian McIan from The Molingingish Massacre, Harris

Yes it is - go ahead kill him. This is exactly the sort of thing we are looking for.

'Hang em High' McKay Solicitor from The Chambers Bayhead

I went to church yesterday and the minister kept talking about 'the piece of cod'. We haven't had cod for ages because the Minch has warmed up my dad tells me. I couldn't see the minister's cod and it didn't smell. Is this the sort of fishy mystery you're looking for?

Ruari MacDonald. from Tiny Tots Nursery Scalpay

Lagg Hotel, Kilmorry, Arran does excellent fish and chips on Friday nights between 5 and 7pm but I think it's Haddock. Is this the sort of useful information you are looking for?

Tammy Trout from The Black Loch

Is entering the Guiness Book of Record as the worlds most commented on Blog, the sort of thing you're looking for?

Mr N McWirter from Beyond The Grave, Scalpay

My father has got a sick note from the doctor today. He has a cubic foot after a stone fell on it down the croft. He's getting no sympathy from my mother. Is this the sort of account of domestic bliss in Harris that you are looking for?

Ram C Macdonald Jnr from Dad's sickbed

They had an Internet terminal in the Coop (really) but it got hidden behind the anniversary and bereavement card display so people couldn't reach it. There was one doughnut left on the shelves today. Some people came in, draped in mink and furs, looking for caviar and champagne but left disappointed. Obviously from Berneray. Is this the sort of bitchy gossip you are looking for?

Grenitote bus driver from Back room of the Coop, Sollas

The Coop only had one doughnut left today. It was hidden behind a computer which in turn was hidden behind some greeting cards. The Russian fishing people are back as there were several people in furs asking for caviar. Someone thought they were from Berneray but they definitely weren't speaking Gaelic. Is this the sort of exclusive gossip you're looking for?

Russ T Hulk from Tarbert Harbour

My Granny is making cranachan for the 3rd course of the Burns Supper. It was all going swimmingly, bream, brambles, oatmeal, whiskey, honey.... But Great Auntie Ethelred came to the rescue and pointed out the typo, should've been rasberries to set of the fishy texture! Is this the sort of culinary delight you are looking for?!

Wee Nicky Nairn from Overpriced Restaurant only tourists can afford

Ask her what it tastes like. My uncle Angie is looking for new fishing recipes for his mobile shellfish and gourmet ready made 'Meals de Mer'. He has a 1987 Nissan Urvan in pea green with 'Creels on Wheels' roughly painted down each side. You may have seen it smoking its way around Lewis and Harris. There was me thinking that cranachan was Gaelic for an old lady with a walking stick and spinal problems 'Oh the poor cranachan...' Is this the sort of badinage for which you are looking?

Buster Crabb from Molongernishnishnish

Dear Buster, I asked Granny by shouting down the fog horn my Auntie Ina liberated. She says, "It's a delicate fusion of aniseed and anthrax undertones pleasured with soft cool threads of seal gut and the reminisent back palate of licking the remants of Gorgeous George MP's gusset." A suckulent by any account! It may well be similar to the taste of old lady when she can't reach the comode in time.

Wee Nicky Nairn from Le Glorifiedchipshope, Ripoff City, Skibost

Sorry, forgot to ask if this is the sort of flamboyant tasting coedswallop you are looking for?

Wee Nicky Nairn from Having an argument with the health inspector

Oh purlease! Mention of Gorgeous George ( surely a Trades Description Offence ) and a commode in the same breath. That is olefactory overload. I prefer to sit with my old cook books and work out how best to cook the 30lb ling the fella in the Northern Isles has caught. That is the sort of flambuoyant lingswallop we're looking for.

Gordon Raasay from The Fat Duck at Brue

You should ask an English how to cook the ling as they are known to eat eels and all sorts! Don't know how they can the wierd forgieners. Looking forward to Burns Night? Is this the sort of racial tolerance you are looking for?

Jock Sing from Haggis Hunting

We're not grea Burns fans here in Harris. In fact we can't tell Alloway from Carloway. Here in Northton we much prefer the poetry of Pam Ayres. Is this the sort of literary criticism you're looking for?

Sheridan Gillies from Northton Sands

Has yon Calumnannabel not got Dundonian Connections? "The Tay, The Tay, The Silvery Tay, Runs past Dunee, Every Day." McGonnagle. Is this the sort of poetic recitation you are looking for?

Ms P Ayres from That's Life Broom Cupboard. BBC TV Centre

How is your pilgrimage to Godwin land going? Have you tracked the guru down yet? I have reason to believe that The Red Cow is the place to eat and be seen although not nearly expensive enough and you might even enjoy yourself as the place has "atmosphere" something as you know we try to avoid in our restaurant. Bring us a souvenir as a prize for the fank? Is this the sort of restaurant review you are looking for?

Wee Nicky Nairn from £35 for a crab! No I'm not kidding!

The tax disc on the mobile shop is out of date. He had no new potatoes by the time he reached us on Saturday and we had to have Smash in the soup to thicken it up. Still the BOGOF offer on Penguin biscuits more than made up for it all. Is this the sort of retail gossip you're looking for?

Finlay J Lipton Jnr from Northton

We were going to have haggis for our lunch today but Mrs Murray says the government won't let us because the haggis is like turkey twizzlers. The haggis is too fat and salty says the man on the mainland in his Sunday suit. Everyone on the mainland goes to work in their best suits. I wonder what they wear to Communions? Turkey Twizzlers were my favourite. Apple Crumble is Dad's. Is this the sort of demographic, political and social comment you are looking for?

Oliver James from The Sandpit Little Hearachs Nursery Kyles Scalpay

My Mammy says that she's had enough of Slaving over a hot guga and that this year Burns Night is going to have a very different flavour. Ready made Pizza! Apparently a Miss Beag has been wynding Mammy up about reaching high pylons. Mammy says we already have the electric and that Ms Beag has done herself a damage! The last straw seemed to be when she picked me up from nursery yesterday she heard Oliver James crying about fat and salt. She went home, booted daddy up the botty and told the, "Big fat puddin' to shify his lazy sonsie lard @rse," or she's make mince & tatties out of him. Haven't seen Daddy since last night and Mammy smells of cleaning fluid and hasn't moved all morning..... Todays' word at school is "Equality". Is this the kind of domestic bliss you are looking for?

Treacle Pankcake from Little Hearachs Nursery giving Oliver a chinese bu

I think you'll find your mother's been at the Toilet Duck again. It was the worst thing your father ever did getting rid of that earth privvie. There was no need for Toilet Duck again. My moum says your mum is easily lead. Is this the sort of sanitation debate you're looking for?

Armitage Shanks from Back ( against the wall )

I have put a big pot of ointment in Annie Graham's septic tank. It worked on my finger. I hope the tank is better soon. Is this the sort of sewage discussion you are looking for?

Hamish Plummer Plumber to the Gentry from Ballcock Cottage Northton

The gritter has been out for a spin. There is frost on the tractor. The seat is frozen and my mother has told my dad to watch in case he gets piles - whatever they are. No porridge this morning the stove had gone out overnight. Is this the sort of dramatic domestic insight you are looking for?

pete stack from huishinish

Aerials are sprouting up as everyone gets broadband. Tractors are being equipped with Internet-enabled remote controls. Everyone is doing their shopping online. Morag says she hasn't had to leave her house for 3 weeks as its "all online". Everyone is selling their sheepdogs on ebay. Is this the sort of techno-news you are looking for?

Donald the CyberCrofter from Silicon Valley Berneray

As my thoughts turn to romance with Valentines Day only a fortnight away I muse if a Dozen Red Noses are tax deductable on charitable grounds? Is this the sort of romantic claptrap you are looking for?

Cassanova from Roll-me-Over, Doitagain

A tax consultant writes- Red items of rhinoplasty are not of themselves tax deductable unless they are bought for serious cosmetic reasons - eg to hide a real beaut of a hooter. Red roses however are tax deductable as any MP's running a mistress will happily coinfirm at their constituency surgeries. I trust this is the sort of fiscal advice you are searching for?

Dodd and Piggott Tax Advisers from The Pierhead Tarbert Harris

I am doing my cycling proficiency test in Tarbert today. I haven't got a bikle so I'm using my skateboard. The man says I can't have my certificate but he's thanked me for turning up and says my hand signals are great.

Murdo Matheson 31 from Tarbert Harris

Someone has told me there are postings on the web from Tobermory from Digger Watchers. Wow we thought life on Harris was exciting but this takes the Jammie Dodger. Is this the sort of excitement we should be craving?

John Cormack Barmpot from Trailer Trash Scrapyard Northton Sands

I'm not at all sure about these dating profiles that are being postend on that den of iniquity known as Arran! It's Sodom and Gomoragh and filth like that all over again! Before you know it people will be having relations between men and women! There sholud be laws against this kind of blatant shenannigans or any other type of dancing for that matter! It's an afront! Black burning shame on the lot of them! Is this the sort of religeous tolerance you are looking for?

Scary Mary from The Contimuing Schism of Misery

Just in case anyone from Tobermory is reading this, we had a digger came to playschool today bringing more sand for the sandpit. It was yellow and the tax had run out on it and it had a cracked windscreen, and it was leaking oil, and the driver smelt like my Dad on a Saturday morning after a night in the bochan and I'm doing a project on diggers and I'm wondering if this is the sort of thing you're looking for?

John Cormac Bamford from Little Hearachs Playgroup Kyles Scalpay

We are having mince and tatties for dinner today but dad is stumped as to which wine he should drink with mince. He's been in the wine cellar ( hen house) all morning in his dungarees agonising over a Sancerre or a Zinfandel. Life is like this in Tarbert. everyone has become upwardly mobile my Mum says since Nessglaze built the first conservatory. Is this the sort of insight into life on Harris the world is bursting to hear?

Willy Eskerslike 12 (incomer from Yorkshire) from Pilkington Cottage Tarbert Harris

My Auntie Ina is stalking Ben Fogle. Last year it was Bill Oddy and the year before Julio Inglesias only she made a mistake and spent three months chasing a Spanish waiter from Oban.Is this the sort of idle banter your'e looking for on this site?

Shonnie Twain from Brokeback Cottage Kyles Scalpay

Dear Willie, Sorry about that. I'll hose your Dad down when I've finished with him in the Bochan in future. Is this the sort of thoughtfulness you are looking for?

Eadie McCreadie from Tobermory

She's moved on at last? Is it safe to come down? She's your Auntie Ina? You should put a muzzle on her, I don't care what that Calumnannabel says, there's is a werewolf problem on Harris. She's given me fleas and the mange you know. Is this the sort of abject fear you are looking for?

Juan Carlos from The top of the telegraph pole

Auntie Ina has always been very good at providing many of our more exotic dishes but when we said we needed something Spanish for the paella we didn't mean the staff, that's just not economically viable Ina, good girl, take the bone, Ina! Is this the sort of health and safety at work you are looking for?

Wee Nicky Nairn from Priceslikeaslapinthefacewithawet Fish Restaurant

Has anyone else found themelves ending their sentences in every day speach with, "Is that the sort of thing you are looking for?" No one's pulled me up for it yet but it's starting to rub off on me you know! Is that the sort of anthropological observation you are looking for?

Oozy Suzy age 3 and 1/4 from The Sandpit Little Herachs Nursery Kyles, Scalpay

Ma & Pa are having a tiff again, it's been like this since Pa had his accident last summer and has refused to do any gardening ever since. Ma did tell him not to cut the grass in open toed sandals but none of us foresaw that when he cut his toe off it would ping up and take his eye out. He's off out with the chainsaw in a huff, you'd think he'd listen to her now... oh, um.. well there goes his ear, maybe shouldn't tell him not to come running to me if.... oops, er, no... Is this the sort of health and safety banter you are looking for?

Shuggie McHuggie age 4 lacking social skills from The Sandpit Little Herachs Nursery Kyles, Scalpay

My mother is next door cooking breakfast for Maggie Mhor whose fingers are bandaged after she cut them opening a can of sardines. That's the beauty of local produce - no one ever cut themselves on a can of porridge or a tin of lamb. My dad syas its a pity that it wasn't Maggie Mhor's throat that was cut. He's fed up of her watching him with her binoculars as he staggers back from the bochan. Is this the sort of local tittle tattle you are searching for?

Richard Harris from Macarthur Park Rodil

There seems to be two brothers in the Northern Isles who never post much. They are Papa Westray and Papa Stour. They sound like a pair of bodachs that would have some great stories to tell. It would be nice to hear from senior citizens like them. is this the sort of encouragement and bonhomie you are looking for?

Papa Lazaru from League of Gentlemen The Sedish Houses Lionel

We are putting our duffle coats on becaise it is a cold day. We are going down to the ferry at half past eleven to take the numbers of all the cars that come off the boat. It is a project we are doing. Is this the sort of idle chatter you are looking for?

The Committee from Tarbert Rotary Club

We did the new Davina McCall work out last night, now I creak when i walk and Ina has all sorts of complications when she bends over. We will have to have a nice sit down and a fag for the next three weeks to get over it. Is this the sort of healthy living you are looking for?

Ellie MacPherson age 6 from Escaped toThe Chip Shop, Scalpay

You shouldn't be buying these workout books from the charity shop in Rodil - it's asking for trouble. The mobile shop was round today. He'd run out of Pan Drops but he had a two for one offer on J Cloths so that wasn't so bad. His tatties didn't look very good so I bought some instant for Calum's cottage pie tonight. is this the sort of culinary banter you're looking for?

Jessie John McTavish from Pie Cottage Scalpay Kyles

I went to Berneray today. The causeway is paved with gold. Everyone has three cars with personalised number plates in their driveway. The street signs are illuminated. The crofters have chaeffeur-driven tractors. The mobile shop had a two-for-one offer on caviar. The primary school shut down last year and is being converted into a Porsche showroom. Berneray has twinned with Bearsden. Is this the sort of bling bling news you are looking for?

Donald MacDonald from Gone Donalding, Sollas, North Uist

I went to Berneray today. The causeway is paved with gold. Everyone has three cars with personalised number plates in their driveway. The street signs are illuminated. The crofters have chaeffeur-driven tractors. The mobile shop had a two-for-one offer on caviar. The primary school shut down last year and is being converted into a Porsche showroom. Berneray has twinned with Bearsden. Is this the sort of bling bling news you are looking for?

Donald MacDonald from Gone Donalding, Sollas, North Uist

What's this? Cooking for a batchelor without a chaperone? What kind of a jezebel are you Jessie John McTavish? You are dragging Harris down to the squalid level of that pit of letchery known as Arran! That Sunny hoolit is a dangerous influence and should be burned at the stake! Is this the sort of balances moral advice you are looking for?

Holy Hairy Mary from The Continuing Church of Holy Incontenence

There is a porch showroom at Nessglaze so my dad doesn't think there's room for another at Berneray. The caviar offer only applied to the first hundred customers that day so it was a swizz. He'd run out of caviar and Pan Drops by the time he'd reached Rodil. Dad is enjoying his computer course - he's put an old Monthly record on ebay with a minimum bid of £800. Is this the sort of scam you want to hear about?

Etta Wynette from Tarbert Harris

There is a light dusting of snow on Berneray. Every household has invested in a snowplough with a personalised number plate. Donald McPlough, the only importer of such machinery on the Uists, has made so much money he's buying a house on the west coast of Harris. The snow has just melted. An Paipear is running a special supplement in the March edition: second hand snow ploughs for sale. Is this the sort of gritty tittle-tattle you are looking for?

Mr Plow from Uist Snowplough Driving School

Have you noticed how if you leave a dead seal for a week in the sun, when you throw a big stone at it it will explode and seal entrails can reach quite a velocity? Is this the sort of biology experiment you are looking for?

Professor of Biological Studies from The University of Guga, Rodil

Ma has decided to give up femidomism and become a domestic Gobbess, she hasn't stopped prattling in days, Da' has moved into Eadie McCreadies Bochan full time which is not pleasing the other men of the village. Ma' decided to win him back by making pancakes for Shrove Tuesday but got the mixture wrong and ended up with treacle Toffee, some of which fell on the floor when she was pouring it out last night after a couple of pints of cleaning fluid. We got up this morning and there's a very angry rat stuck to the kitchen floor but Ma smells lemon fresh! We are going to Auntie Ettas for a few days till the rat isn't as viceous. Is this the sort of pest control you are looking for?

Treacle Pancake from Auntie Ettas all the pies

That thing with the sealsounds like good fun. You can do the same thing with a whale if you pick it up with a JCB and drop it. The mess goes everywhere. Is this the sort of whale of a time you're looking for?

Jonah McDonald from Theresheblows Cottage Roneval

Having been at my sister Ettas in Berenay for a couple of days now and having seen how the other half live I've decided to give up domestic drugery and move into the luxury market. But what market to aim for? The best place to think is the bath, especially Ettas' new automatic jacuzzi (no need for eating beans anymore). I thought about a fur coat shop but the lentil munchers might take offence, then I thought of a Lamborgini Pick Up Truck Dealership but with the state of the roads round here you'd never get one out of the showroom so I thought about the skills I already have and the needs of these wealthy west coasters and ALRIKKA! Wha's gonna wash all those conservatory windows, an' me with a life time supply of cleaning fluid from the competition I won last year? I've had a chat with a few other down trodden caeleachs and we have decided that instead of slaving for a bunch of bochan mad bampots we're going to offer our exemplary hygene implementation pro-active abilities to the rich and fatuous of Western Harris. We have even got interest from Annies' admirer for a TV series "Embarrassed in Barvass with Mrs Pancakes Domestic Gobbesses." Each week we will take our Domestic Gobbess skills and embarrass a different household by snooping till we find some filth then make them clean it up! My son treacle is still of a size for excellent chimney cleaning so we are now open to offers? Is this the sort of local enterprise you are looking for?

Mrs Emilly Pancake from Domestic Gobbess Enterprises, Barvass

Ah the sweet subtilty of the ebulent Cake-au-pan or "pancake" as they say in Jocklandshire. The delicate taste of this delicacy allows me to similtaneously experience my bittersweet childhood when Aunty Ina would dook my pancake in her morning sherry before letting me sook it, with my present metaphysical self. Is this the sort of highfullutin' literary referencing you are looking for?

Marcel Valentine Louis Georges Eugene Pissed from The End of The Bar, The Slug and Lettice

I went to the wood pile yesterday but couldn't find it, everything had gone white, stubbed my toe on a big pile of whiteness and bumped my head on a low hanging white thing. Must check the still, it must be producing a superior quality of pocheen... Is this the sort of bon homie you are looking for?

Sorley Plastered from Barvas DIY Distillery

I went to the wood pile yesterday but couldn't find it, everything had gone white, stubbed my toe on a big pile of whiteness and bumped my head on a low hanging white thing. Must check the still, it must be producing a superior quality of pocheen... Is this the sort of bon homie you are looking for?

Sorley Plastered from Scalpay DIY Distillery

Well, that's a hundred comments now. We've worked out that mobile shops are epidemic; that the streets of Berneray are paved with gold; that Lewis feminism is in retreat.; and that people consume haggis, ling and Toilet Duck. But have we worked out if there is life on Harris? Is this the sort of navel-gazing philosophy you are looking for.

Philus McPhilosopher from Third mansion on the left, Borve gated community,

I don't think we have worked out yet if there is life on Harris so we'll go for another hundred postings trusting that this is the sort of longevity and stamina everyone is looking for?

calumannabel from Attenborough Cottage Rodil

We are having tinned sausage rolls for tea tonight. We were having corned beef hash but dad cut himself on the tin and has had to go to get stitches from the district nurse. Mum says its a good job we get the tatties off the croft and not out of tins otherwise he'd have no fingers left. Is this the sort of cosy domesticity you are looking for?

Aaron Pilot from Spudulike Cottage Rodil

I am puzzed? I heard someone mention the 'gravy train' on the news last night. Where does it run between? We, of course, have little in the way of railways on Harris apart from the funicular railway on the Clisham. So would some kind train spotter tell me why a train should carry a load of gravy? Is it in liquid tanks or granules? Is this the kind of insular curiosity you're looking for?

Anne Orak from Stationmaster's House Rodil Junction

It was dark at home last night - we hadn't lit the tilley lamps. My mother was getting ready for the prayer meeting and found some 'sweeties' in dad's suit pocket. We now know that mother does not like the taste of mothballs. Is this the sort of domestic incident you are looking for in your thread?

phil macbucket from Rodil Harris

Dear Anne, Apparently there is a great demand for trains carrying gravy by obese felines. The train runs between all the local council offices and NHS Trusts, Westminster and the London square mile. I hope this is the sort of financial advice you are looking for?

Mildly Disgruntles from Oh why, oh why, oh why. Rodil

Now the nights are fair drawin' oot I've a mind tae tae knit a sexy new bathing suit fur me self! Tae be in keeing wi' the shocking fasions of the mainland I'm going to be extra daring and stop the legs above the knee and leave the puff off the sleeves for a sportier, streamlined look with only one layer of skirt! Aunty Betty said srong but I'm sure it will be ok. Is this the sort of titillating beach wear you are looking for?

Binky Keeny from Fasionista House, Scalpay

Uncle Angus has a fine set of tweed trunks in a sort of seaweed green. The only problem is they are very heavy when wet. Is there anything he could coat them with to rsist the water? Is this the sort of domestic query you're looking for.

Hamish Speedo from Cossie Cottage Tarbert

Dear Hamish, a liberal coating of tar on the shorts will diffuse that low slung gusset problem and act as insulation at the same time. If tar isn't readily available PVA Glue will do a similar but less permanent job and doubles up as an excellent hair removal system anywhere it meets the skin so I hope Uncle Angus' shorts aren't too skimpy.

Binky Keeny from The Atlantic Riviera

The village is empty today. We children have been left with Blind Aggie Henderson the ugliest woman in Harris. Everyone else has gone to some dating festival on Lewis. Mum is hoping to come back with a new Dad and Dad is hoping to find a new woman whose father owns a distillery. Hope springs eternal. Is this the sort of family banter you are looking for?

Harris Hilton (10) from Rodil

How did I get to this blog??? Never mind, I'd love to meet the lot of you. Very entertaining, Grrrreat senses of humor. :-D

Amy from So Ca

Hello everyone. You can have it all. You just can't have it all at once. I am from Chile and learning to speak English, give true I wrote the following sentence: "Well, these risky limits had been stolen out by multi-functional finals which returned the methods to pay them see." Thanks :-). Maris.

Maris from Connecticut

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