Back of Beyond - March 2006

I'm thinking of applying for the catering franchise at the Fank. I've been doing a bit of cooking lately and I think you'll agree the results are startling! Pepper and mushroom quiche, anyone?

Just back from a trip to Glasgow to visit my friend Janet. We had a fabulous weekend of eating (less said about the Tiramisu for 6 the better - we're getting into shape for the Fank), yakking and shopping and I was due to fly home on Sunday afternoon. I did start to get a bit worried on Saturday night when it started snowing but Janet reassured me that it would all be gone by the morning as it never snows properly in Glasgow. We woke up to about 8 inches of snow and the news that the airports were all shut, the buses weren't running and 3000 clubbers were stranded in the town centre. It looks really pretty on the trees though, said Janet helpfully.

The morning disappeared in a flurry of phone calls, to the airport, the airline and home, and eventually we headed into town to catch the airport bus, having been told to check in normally. Seconds before the bus arrived, my partner called to say the plane was cancelled. Hooray said Janet, now we have to go back and buy one of those gorgeous skirts we saw yesterday (and heroically resisted), it's the hand of fate, I tell you. I needed no persuasion and we set off down the street joyfully, dodging the nedmobile that was driving to and fro soaking people in slushy spray, stopping to browse a bit on the way. Unfortunately we browsed a bit too long, for when we reached the desired location, it had shut 10 minutes previously. So much for the hand of fate. In fact, all the shops were closing and it was only 3 o'clock. It didn't seem fair: here was I, stranded in Glasgow, and all the shops were shut. Now I'd never get that fabulous outfit for the Fank. Never mind, said Janet, let's go to the pub (well, she called it a cafe, but that's Glasgow for you). So we did, and decided that if we were going to have a glass of wine, we might just as well have the bottle. The cafe was virtually empty and we had a very relaxing, sort of wartime spirit afternoon. Could have done with a bit of knitting though!

As the historic day approaches, I thought it had better be commemorated in (bad) verse. Here goes...

The Dell Fank Dating Extravaganza

In the year of Our Lord 2006
Calumannabel and Donald decided to fix
Up a matchmaking festival second to none
And here is the story of how it was done...

First our two heroes busied themselves
With raiding Emporio Alan-John's shelves
And drumming up sponsorship from far and wide
Before bringing Annie and Chrissie onside.

As from that moment they never looked back
Not even when Sunny promised a stack
Of eager young Vikings in a longboat
Every one of them wearing a hand-knitted coat.

The folk from the north promised Trevor and pets
That can speak; from elsewhere no regrets
As people sent well packaged husbands and wives
To be traded in order to spice up their lives.

Meanwhile our heroes had turned their attention
To finding celebrities that they could mention
For inside the Big Brother Bochan to roam
Partaking of guga and Cremola foam.

And so Mr Firth and Ms Jones were lined up
Along with R. Harris' favourite tup
And the Royal Mail's Red Arrows are set to fly past
But only if Roddy John gets off his arse!

Arnish Lighthouse is keeping us informed as we speak
Of all the arrivals of Fanksters this week
GrannyE's brought her costume and also her mother
We're sure she'll attract someone's hoary old brother.

This weekend fashionistas from all the world over
Will be queueing at Calmac for Island Rover
Tickets, and then they'll be able to see
That there's nothing in New York to rival J.D.'s.

So raise glasses and here's to success at Dell Fank
And all that remains is for me to thank
Our two heroes, sent to us like angels from heaven
And we'll see you back here in 2007!