Anti-bullying adviser offers guidance

Check out the profile of Howard Martin.

Howard Martin's interview

Half the kids in my class call me fat and even my friends won't stand up for me. I hate school now and I don't want to go anymore. My Mum told me to ignore them but it's not that easy. How can I get them to stop? I'm not even very fat by the way.

First of all, you know you're not fat, that's the main thing, and always hold on to that. Ignoring is part of the solution, but it can be very difficult to ignore if it just goes on and on. I'm wondering how many of these people are saying that they're friends, because so-called friends can sometimes be hurtful, although they don't always mean to be. It's very often a good idea to try and speak to each one individually, and say that you don't like being called fat. This can work with some of the people but not all. If they are persisting, and really making your life miserable, it may be time to involve a teacher, and/or look at some books about assertiveness. I can't recommend them highly enough, because they can give you good answers, and good replies, when you're in these situations. Kidscape has a book called The Bullying Wise Guide by Michele Elliott, which can be very useful.

Why do people bully? Is it because they are being bullied themselves?

Sometimes it is. It can be all sorts of reasons. It can be envy, jealousy, it might be that they are spoilt. It could be that they're bullied themselves, by an adult, other children, or even a teacher. But usually we find it's that they have a problem of some sort, and that they feel inferior. They might not look inferior to you in any way, but often they don't feel good about themselves which is why they have to make someone else feel worse. You might feel scared or sad, or horrible inside, but don't judge your insides by their outsides. What I mean by that is you don't know what's going on inside them, and they might appear confident and popular, and so on, but very often bullies have friends who are frightened of them. Not real friends.

How can I as a teenager prevent bullying?

I'm not sure if you mean in the school as a whole or just for yourself. But for your school, you may be able to start an anti-bullying campaign - talk to a teacher who might be interested. For yourself, you could try assertiveness, and there are books about it. Try the library. Try bookshops, and if it's physical bullying, always make sure someone knows you're being bullied. Silence is the bully's biggest weapon. If they're relying on your silence, then they're winning. If it's physical, you might try some self defence classes or a martial art. It doesn't mean you become aggressive, it simply gives you the confidence to deal with physical bullying.

I am a member of my schools anti-bullying club - how important do you think it is to help and advice victims and bullies in school?

I think it's very important that both the bullies and victims are helped. I think we need to concentrate on helping the victims, because sometimes victims can think it very unfair if bullies get all the attention.

Do some bullies use non-physical methods to intimidate others, and can you give some ideas about how to deal with it?

The ways they do it include spreading rumours, stealing friends, and sending people to Coventry, i.e. excluding them from games. Those are the chief methods. The way to deal with that, if it's a gang or even if it's an individual, is to try to go up to the friendliest member of the gang, or take the bully aside if you're not too intimidated and it's not too dangerous. Ask them why they're doing it. You might find that they take you into their confidence. This does happen, believe it or not. You may find that they're being bullied by someone else, or that there's some other problem.

One of the most difficult areas for people being bullied in schools is telling. Depending on the school, they will have a positive attitude to telling, or a negative attitude. We often hear that bullies say, "If you tell what's going on, things are going to get worse." They nearly always say that. Again, silence is the chief weapon. So if you can make other children, teachers, parents, aware of what's going on...but believe in yourself, particularly when false rumours are being spread and you know you're in the right. It gives you an advantage.

Teasing is a grey area with bullying, and the difference between teasing and verbal bullying is that if we tease each other as friends, we know whether or not we're enjoying it. If we're teasing a friend, then we stop when they're no longer enjoying it. So if somebody's teasing you and you don't like it, and you tell them you don't like it, and yet they continue, then that's when the line has been crossed into verbal bullying.

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