PROGRAMME TWO - Polygamy, the negatives
"It's just fine and legal for me to live in a house with 50 other people and to produce children - that's not illegal - but as soon as I call it a marriage then I'm breaking the law. That seems to be a strange anachronism and I suspect that it won't last for much longer."
"A lot of people come to me and ask me that question. 'I feel like marrying twice.' I always deter them because I know the responsibility's very big. I say to them 'No'. But they always say 'Why, why? Why have you married then?' So y'know I have to explain to them 'Look, it's a very difficult thing to do. Unless you're mentally and physically ready for it, y'know - don't do it!"
S: I'm Shagufta Yaqub, a young British Muslim who got married two years ago. In Islam, unlike many other religions, marriage is a contract, not a sacrament. As I drew up my own marriage contract I pondered long and hard the verses in the Qur'an which permit a man to take up to 4 wives before finally deciding that I would leave that possibility open for my husband. Of course, I don't think it will ever happen - after all, polygamy is hardly common amongst British Muslims. Or is it? In making these programmes, I've been surprised at the number of polygamous marriages I've encountered in 21st Century Britain.
Last week I spoke to a number of polygamists for whom the setup works really well. This challenged many of the preconceptions I had, particularly after speaking to women for whom polygamy is a personal lifestyle choice. But what about those for whom it doesn't work? My journey has taken me both to different parts of the UK and to the country of my birth, Pakistan. I speak to wives whose lives are marked by fear and isolation and I explore the very precarious legal situation that second wives in this country find themselves in.
Aisha: Somebody told me to beware that my husband was spending a lot of time with a young girl. I don't know when and where they met. I don't even know whether she knew he was already married. I suspect, given the lies he told me and the lies he told his male friends, he probably also lied to her and her family, and they may well not have realised he was already married.
S: I met Aisha, not her real name, in a park in the Midlands. Her husband is a professional man of significant standing within the Muslim community. Aisha has been married to him almost 30 years. However, two years ago he married a woman in her 20s behind Aisha's back. I asked Aisha why he'd done this. Her words are spoken by an actor in order to protect her identity.
A: He'd reached a position in his life where he felt it was his turn. He'd seen a lot of friends do it and he was very much 'Why not me?'
S: Did you know he was going to?
A: No.
S: He did it behind your back?
A: Yes. And behind the back of family and friends. He did it completely secretly and told a lot of lies to bring her into the country.
S: What kind of lies?
A: He used the line that this was the daughter of a friend, who for political reasons needed to leave her country of origin.
S: So you feel she has been brought into this country illegally?
A: She has been. I know how he did it. The usual method is you have a friend who has a translation business - anything where you would need a fluent foreign language speaker. You put an advert in a local paper saying you know "job, position." You wait, there are no applicants for the job so then you find somebody abroad who will come to Britain and do the job and then you obtain them a work visa. And that's how it's done. It's very easy to do apparently.
S: So it's quite common in his circle?
A: It's not common but he certainly knew a lot of people who had done it. I certainly know two men who have had approximately ten wives each because as soon as they get to finding a fourth wife they have to divorce one of the others; otherwise they have to stop looking. And it's the looking which is fun. I met two of the wives, one of them you could say he'd maybe married her for good, sound reasons. She wasn't particularly attractive, she was either second or third wife - he eventually divorced her. And many years later I came across a girl who'd recently married him and been divorced and she was only 18. At least three of the women that these men have married have been British.
S: So this is obviously illegal. Has this never been exposed?
A: It's something that Muslims don't want to talk about. It's very difficult for a woman to go to any people in authority. As Muslims we're told to keep secrets. I think if the men believed their wives would make this public they wouldn't do it, so sort of by definition they believe that the women will not talk.
S: Aisha's is the kind of story I expected to find in traditional Muslim countries, but certainly not the UK. A powerful man using his status to flout the legal system and bring in a second wife - a younger model at that. How can he possibly get away with it? Surely there must be some system of accountability within the community? How can the community accept a marriage based on lies, injustice and an abuse of the law?
Batool Al-Toma: Many of those men who wish to get married again start beginning to establish that there is a problem within the marriage.
S: Batool Al-Toma works with Muslim converts at the Islamic Foundation in Leicester.
B: So that when this particular polygamous situation is entered into, people within the community will say 'Ah yes but y'know there was a problem there, y'know, you must realise that it's not actually his fault really.' I personally have very little respect and probably I would say actually no respect for people who flaunt these laws of this country. I feel that as Muslims here in the UK we're very fortunate in the way that the UK legal system has actually accommodated Muslims in so many different ways. I also disrespect them in the sense that many of these people are quite prominent members within the Muslim community.
S: Not only was I surprised to find that it's perfectly legal for Muslims in this country to marry polygamously, as long as it's an Islamic marriage and not a marriage under British civil law, but I was also shocked that the immigration system is being abused by certain members of the Muslim community. This discrepancy leaves the second wife completely unprotected because she is not legally recognised as married.
Abdul Hakim Murad is the Imam at Cambridge Mosque as well as Lecturer in Islamic Studies at Cambridge University. I asked him about the immigration issue and how he ensures that the weddings he conducts do not result in an abuse of the law.
AHM: When I celebrate a wedding in this room I do try and make sure that I know the circumstances. Recently we had a bride from Timbuktu and a husband from Detroit, and it seemed like a very sudden decision that they'd made. So I took it upon myself to try and get on the phone to the bride's father in his little village in Timbuktu just to make sure that everything was as it seemed. What I can't do, as somebody who looks after a Mosque, is do something about the underlying problem of immigration, which is about extreme wealth in some countries and extreme poverty in others.
S: So if a Muslim man came to you and you knew he was already married, would you marry him again, obviously Islamically and not according to the British legal system?
AHM: Well, I'd have to look very carefully into the circumstances. I don't think that our Mosque has ever celebrated a polygamous marriage. But in principle if the two existing partners were very happy with it, very keen on it and the third party was clearly going to be looked after correctly, and we had all of the traditional rules in place in terms of separate, equal accommodation and the rest, then there would be no earthly reason for us to refuse it.
S: My fear is that if polygamy was made legal in the UK, men would see it as a green light to go ahead and take as many wives as they pleased. The examples I have come across of British law being flouted disturbed me so I took my concerns to the Government. The Home Office declined to give us an interview but instead issued the following statement:
"Bigamy is a criminal offence under the Offences Against the Person Act 1861. This legislation covers all marriages which take place in England, Wales or Northern Ireland or by United Kingdom citizens abroad. Moreover, even if a couple has the legal capacity to enter into a polygamous marriage overseas and the marriage is valid in the country where it is celebrated, the Immigration Act 1988 prevents a person from bringing more than one spouse to settle with him or her in the United Kingdom. The Government is building on action we have already taken as part of our ongoing review to protect the integrity of our migration routes. For example, tackling marriage abuse, tightening up low- skilled employment schemes and introducing new restrictions on switching immigration categories".
S: Surprisingly perhaps, second wives in Pakistan have more protection. In 1961 Pakistani law was changed so that a man was not allowed to marry for a second time without first gaining the permission of the local Union Council, who in turn had to be satisfied that the second marriage was for genuine reasons.
Justice Nassira Iqbal is a retired judge as well as an Islamic scholar and daughter-in-law of Pakistan's most famous philosopher and poet - the late Muhammad Iqbal - the man credited with the intellectual impetus behind the creation of Pakistan. She told me about the uproar which ensued when Pakistani law was amended.
NI: I remember that the first time that this law came about, which imposed a penalty on a man getting a second wife, the Prime Minister of Pakistan took a second wife. The women took out a procession that 'He cannot do so, we do not allow polygamy. The law particularly penalises polygamy and therefore whatever he has done is absolutely illegal.' Which meant actually that he would divorce his first wife. His first wife - this was... now in 1963, she came out of her home and she begged the women. She said 'Look, I don't want this kind of protection that polygamy should be banned altogether. He has chosen to live with this woman. He has married her, he will not divorce her. If he has to have a monogamous marriage, he will divorce me. Where am I going to go? What's going to happen to my children? They will be growing up in a broken home. I would rather share my husband with this woman and let him legalise the situation as he has, rather that he lives out of marriage with another woman, or he divorces me'.
S: I met a couple in Lahore for whom polygamy is part of the problem as well as the solution. From the moment they got married, their lives became a living nightmare. Jameel and Nusrat, not their real names, are living their life on the run. Jameel was already married to Fauzia but they did not get on and he subsequently met Nusrat through work. They are now married and have a three-month old baby. As a result Jameel has been disinherited and prevented from seeing his children, even though he sends money to support them.
S: When you started your relationship with Nusrat, was she aware that you were already married?
J: Yes she knew that I was already married. I didn't tell her about my first marriage for a couple of months. But when I realized our relationship was getting serious I thought I should tell her the truth.
S: How did she react to the news?
J: She was shocked. I thought that our relationship had ended but then she contacted me again. She accepted my first marriage and said that she was ready to marry me even if she had to live with Fauzia in the same house.
S: So Nusrat's family are not in touch with you or Nusrat?
J: They are in touch with Nusrat but not with me. I'm scared they might want to kill me. Everybody want to kill me. I fear for the life of my second wife and my newly-born baby. I used to live away from my office but now I have rented a house close to my office so that I can come and see my wife and baby after every two hours or so. When my children from the first wife visited my house, they conveyed threats from their mother to Nusrat. They even told me that my father wanted to get me and my second wife killed and that they had provided pictures to some hired assassins for this purpose.
S: Would you like to live together with all your children?
J: Yes of course. In fact I have told them whenever they want they can come and stay with me. My parents don't allow them to meet me but they somehow manage to meet me or at least call me whenever they find an opportunity. I have told them that they shouldn't think I have contracted a second marriage and left them alone. I have told them that I was still their father and would love them even if I married ten times.
S: So you are living now in a poor region in Lahore with Nusrat and Omar. What is life like for you now compared to in your previous marriage?
J: Previously I had a good life. I had never lived in a poor locality throughout my life prior to my second marriage. I was born in a posh locality of Lahore. My father was a Government Officer. The same is the case with Nusrat, who also belonged to a well-to-do family. We don't want to live here but our circumstances are forcing us to do so.
Nusrat: He had told me about his first marriage quite early on within 3 or 4 months. Initially I was not under any pressure to get married. But the situation changed when my elder sisters got married and different families started proposing me for their sons. It created a difficult situation for me. All the formal inquiries about Jameel's character and his family background were found satisfactory by my family. On the basis of these investigations my family approved him as a son-in-law and the date was fixed for the wedding. Then all of a sudden some journalist told my brother that Jameel was married and had two children from his first wife.
S: So you both took a huge risk in lying to your families and hoping that they would never find out about his other wife. Where did you get the courage to go ahead and pursue your love despite all the obstacles?
N: In my experience when someone loves you, you get a power within you. In that situation you are capable of doing anything without any care for the results. My marriage with Jameel is just like jumping into the rising river of fire. It involved leaving the social status and resources which were at my disposal at my parents' house and living under a constant fear of death.
S: We spent the evening with Jameel and Nusrat. It was a really, really intensely emotional experience particularly listening to Jameel. He is full of pain really - he was sweating, his hands were shaking, he was crying at times, particularly remembering his mother who actually died of shock having heard that he'd remarried, which was quite a burden for anyone to carry.
Jameel told me he would have been trapped if polygamy had not been an option. Having decided not to divorce his first wife - which he felt would be an injustice both to her and the children - he would have remained technically married but unable to have a normal relationship. There are no official statistics regarding the number of polygamous marriages in Pakistan although it's put at less than 5%. Out of these it's impossible to tell how many are genuine, happy marriages - such as that of Mohammad Azzam and his two wives who we heard from last week. I suspect in more cases than not, women choose to remain married because their options are limited. To put it bluntly, they would rather half a husband, than none at all.
Farida Shaheed: People who work at Shirkat Gah for instance, when they came across women who said no they're part of a polygamous marriage - happily so etc, etc, it took the team not very long to say 'But y'know if I were in your situation, I wouldn't be happy, to which then they started opening up and saying 'Actually we're not really happy with this. But this is the circumstances - what d'you want us to, to do about it?'
S: Farida Shaheed is the Co-ordinator of the Women, Law and Status programme at Shirkat Gah, a Human Rights Group in Lahore. She believes that Pakistani law does not do enough to protect women against polygamy. She also feels that if women were more aware of their rights within existing laws, they would be more empowered to challenge their husbands when they bring in another wife.
FS: Our main work is to tell people about family laws - to tell them how to access the courts. In conservative areas like Frontier, we have conducted legal awareness sessions on Women's Rights for men first and at the end of the day the men said 'Come back tomorrow and run the sessions for the women'. Two of the men brought their wives to the Shirkat Gah office in Peshawar. We arranged for a legal training then for the women, and I think for the first time in their lives, and as I keep saying I hope not for the last time, the men actually cooked for the women. They took care of everything in order that the women could attend the full day session of legal awareness of women's rights in the family. Now to me this is something that indicates there is a huge potential for change.
S: In many Muslim countries such as Singapore, Malaysia and Nigeria the law has been changed to afford further protection to second and subsequent wives. Tunisia has outlawed polygamy completely on the basis that no man can treat his wives equally. Even in conservative Egypt recent proposals have been put forward which aim to criminalise polygamy. Having spoken to some very happy first and second wives, I don't entirely agree that there is no such thing as consensual polygamy. Surely there is a difference between using polygamy as a practical solution and using it as a licence to commit injustices?
Cassandra Balchin works for Women Living Under Moslem Laws in London which ran an international research programme for over 10 years on Women and Law in the Muslim World.
Cass: We did take a position there that there may be instances where women apparently choose a polygamous situation, but that we felt that, that in fact reflects certain inequalities in society. There's a resurgence for example of polygamy in Uzbekistan. And that reflects the problem that women who are highly educated or who don't get married as soon as they're 20 are regarded as unmarriageable. And therefore for them polygamy is the only option. Now if you say that somebody in that context 'chooses' polygamy, what's the nature of that choice? It's reflecting a society which doesn't value educated, intelligent, older women. So I'm saying that is choice really choice?
S: I agree with Cassandra Balchin that social inequality means a woman might decide to stay with a polygamous husband even though she is unhappy, but surely taking away that right - that concession that makes life easier for her - is not the answer?
Aisha, not her real name, has chosen to remain married to her husband despite the fact that he kept his second marriage secret. She is reluctant to throw away 30 years of marriage because of what she feels is her husband's 'mistake.' Aisha took her case to the Muslim community but found that no-one was willing to help her. I asked her why. Her words are spoken by an actor.
A: Because every case that I know of, they have got away with it - it's never become public knowledge to the point that they are ostracised from the community. They cannot stand on the Mosque Committee, they cannot lead the prayer. Until that time when the Muslim men say 'This is unacceptable - you will not fulfil any higher function in Muslim society because of what you have done', it will continue.
S: You said you've approached different members of the community. Has their reaction to you changed in any way?
A: I was previously the wife of my husband. I'm now an independent being in their eyes. They seem to think I'm not worth visiting. I have had only one Muslim visitor in the time that my husband and I have been separated.
S: So you've become ostracised?
A: I have, yes.
S: How d'you feel about that?
A: I think it's very unfair because I haven't done anything wrong. If I was to have lost my husband through a bereavement, I cannot imagine that people would have ostracised me in this way. And I have to say losing one's husband in this way is much, much more emotionally draining and upsetting than if he'd simply passed away.
S: So they blame you in a sense?
A: I think there is a feeling there's no smoke without fire. But I can assure you that there was no fire because I didn't do anything, anything, to deserve what has happened to me.
S: Mufti Abdul Kadir Barkatullah is one of the family panel judges for the UK Islamic Shar'iah Council, as well as Senior Imam at London's Finchley Mosque. He has between 10 and 15 cases of polygamy referred to him each month.
Mufti Barkatullah believes that a legally binding marriage contract is essential for the protection of women. Before I got married I was advised by an Islamic scholar to ensure that I stated my right to divorce. For Muslim women living in the West, he said, this is absolutely essential. He even told me I could add almost anything into the marriage contract that didn't directly contradict the Shar'iah - like for example, demanding wages for housework! This was a revolutionary concept for me, but a right that Islam gave women 1400 years ago. Now, in 21st century Britain, Mufti Barkatulla has drawn up a standard marriage contract which would synchronise British and Islamic law and so outlaw polygamy. So far it has not been well received by the Mosques.
MB: I want to make it like, any standard tenancy agreement. So they can go and buy from them and say to the Imam, 'Look I want to get married on this contract'. If you want to conduct the marriage this is the contract we are going to sign and this will enforce - of course it's a user-driven or consumer-driven demand, rather than imposed from the Mosques.
S: In doing this programme I've learnt that far from the Orientalist's over-romanticised fantasy of the harem, the reality of polygamy is quite mundane. More often than not, it can involve heartache, revenge and custody battles. What's upset me the most in all the stories I've heard is the attitude of some men who take multiple wives for their own selfish needs, simply because they can. It's an argument that I've heard often - "it's allowed in the Shar'iah so no-one can stop me." This literalist incorporation of Islamic legalities into the complexities of everyday life worries me. An Islamic scholar once explained to me that the Shar'iah is only there as a guide to tell us what the ruling would be in an Islamic court of law. It's not there to define the subtleties of human interaction. For that we have the example of the Prophet who in his last sermon went out of his way to say "treat your women folk kindly".
I know myself enough to say, fairly confidently, that polygamy is not something I would personally be able to tolerate or even consider. I still believe my husband has the right, in principle, to take another wife. I wouldn't want to take that right away from him because I know he would never knowingly mistreat me. Marriage, I believe, is built on trust and that's why I found Aisha's story so upsetting. She now stands at a crossroads and it seemed appropriate to let her have the last word.
A: I would like things to be settled outside the British legal system because I feel the Islamic injustices were greater than the secular injustices. I am more concerned with my husband's fate in the hereafter than myself and my children's future in this life. I could seek a divorce - I could make this very public. I think it's very important that the oppression suffered by many Muslim women - even if their husbands don't go through with this - is rectified so that they know that if this does happen to them there is a sound legal basis in which to move forward.
S: You said one of the reasons you haven't asked for a divorce is that you want your husband to be able to face God on the day of judgement. What do you mean by this?
A: To me, the biggest injustice is that he gave his second wife things that he always denied me, and I wish to give him the chance to make reparation. And that cannot happen after we are divorced and that's my main reason for not taking the legal steps until now because I sincerely believe in the hereafter and I fear the hereafter. I am fearful of the Day of Judgement. For all the injustices he has done me, I don't wish him to burn in Hell.
S: So you feel your husband has wronged you in this life, yet you're still concerned about his fate in the next?
A: Yes. Perhaps because for all his sins of omission and commission I still care for him. He was my husband for a very, very, very long time, and he still remains my husband.
copyright 2004 BBC