Marriage
Quaker marriage
Quakers strongly believe in the sanctity of marriage but also recognise the value of non-marital relationships and the single life.
Their weddings are very informal compared to those from other traditions and there is no priest or minister to lead the couple as they make their vows.
When a Quaker couple decide to marry, they make a commitment to each other in the presence of God, their family and friends.
Quakers believe that no one but God can join a couple in matrimony. They see marriage as more than a legal contract - it is a religious commitment.
The right joining in marriage is the work of the Lord only, and not the priest's or magistrate's; for it is God's ordinance and not man's...we marry none; it is the Lord's work, and we are but witnesses.George Fox, 1669
The couple promise to be loving companions and take each other as lifelong partners in a spirit of freedom and equality.
Quaker weddings
Quaker weddings do not have to take place in registered buildings but they must be held indoors.
Most couples will book their local Quaker meeting house although some may choose to hold their wedding at home or another alternative venue.
A Quaker marriage is a community celebration and not just a ceremony for the couple. Therefore the style of worship at the wedding service must be acceptable to the wider community.
The wedding ceremony is usually held within a simple meeting for worship. It has no set order of service or sermon.
In most cases, the finer details of the ceremony are decided through discussion with the marriage registering officers and community elders.
A couple may decide to include readings and even a hymn. But music is, on the whole, rare.
If both parties are Quakers or regularly attend monthly meetings, they may marry in a Quaker marriage ceremony.
Couples who are registered as 'attenders' but not yet members of the Religious Society of Friends would be expected to have attended meetings for a number of months before making an application for marriage.
Where one member of the couple is not a Quaker, or divorced, two adult members of the Society must give written permission before the marriage can take place.
Marriage preparation
The first step in the official process is a meeting for clearness. (Clearness in this context means helping the couple affirm their decision to marry.)
The meeting gives them the chance to discuss their relationship with other members of the community.
At least six weeks before the wedding date, the couple must make an application to the registering officer of the monthly meeting where the marriage ceremony is due to be held.
The monthly meeting must approve the application before the registering officer, who is recognised by law, makes arrangements for the public notices and other legal requirements.
The monthly meeting then holds a Meeting for Worship for the Solemnisation of Marriage to confirm that the wedding can go ahead.
Quaker marriages can be held at any time of day. Public notice of the wedding is posted on the door of the venue a week before the wedding.
The wedding day
Guests are greeted by a door keeper when they arrive for the marriage ceremony.
The bride is not usually given away by her father. Neither is it customary to have a best man or bridesmaids.
The bride and groom will normally enter the meeting room together with friends and then quietly take their seats.
Sometimes they may come in when everyone else is seated. In the past, guests used to stand as the couple entered but these days this rarely happens.
The couple will sit next to a table with the Quaker wedding certificate and a pen.
Wedding attire
Quaker worship and ceremonies are relaxed so the bride, groom and their guests will usually dress smartly but informally.
Some brides may choose to wear white but, in most cases, the outfit is kept simple.
Guests need to be careful to strike the right balance too.
Men, for example, may wear a jacket or tie, but will often dress more informally. Women may choose a skirt or other reasonably smart clothes.
The ceremony
Like other Quaker meetings, the wedding service is mostly held in silence but anyone who feels moved by the Spirit can speak or pray.
Most ceremonies will follow the basic structure below:
- A volunteer, usually a Quaker elder, will stand to explain how the service will proceed.
- After an initial period of silence of about 10 to 15 minutes, the couple will rise and exchange their vows. The vows are handed down from the Quaker tradition and can be modified.
- Holding hands, the couple take it in turns to make declarations based on the following: "Friends, I take this my friend...to be my wife/husband, promising divine assistance to be unto her/him a loving and faithful husband/wife so long as we both on earth shall live." It does not matter which order the bride and groom speak.
- The Registering Officer calls upon the couple to sign the Quaker Marriage Certificate which records their vows. Two witnesses also sign.
- The Registering Officer reads the certificate aloud.
- There is a further period of silence.
- The meeting is terminated by two elders who shake hands, inviting the rest of the congregation to do the same.
- Members of the congregation sign the Quaker Marriage Certificate as a witness to both their presence and support for the marriage. The certificate, in the form of a scroll or a book, has no legal standing but it reminds the couple of their friends' happiness and hopes for the success of their marriage.
- After the meeting the couple and the two witnesses sign the civil register. Rings are often exchanged at this point.
Divorce and remarriage
Divorced people may be allowed to remarry at the discretion of the members of the monthly meeting.
Quakers believe that those who are divorced need to be given the chance of a new start.
Blessings for same-sex couples
The Quakers have welcomed same-sex unions for more than two decades, allowing local groups to celebrate same-sex commitments through special acts of worship.
In July 2009, at the Britain Yearly Meeting, Quakers agreed to carry out same-sex marriages on the same basis as marriages for opposite-sex couples.
...22 years after the prospect was first raised at Meeting for Sufferings we are being led to treat same sex committed relationships in the same way as opposite sex marriages, reaffirming our central insight that marriage is the Lord’s work and we are but witnesses. The question of legal recognition by the state is secondary.Minute 25, Britain Yearly Meeting 31 July 2009
They will also formally ask the government to change the law to allow gay people to marry.