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Knowing this can help you understand that many of the hurtful and abusive things your partner may say, are not true. Often they are attempts to avoid responsibility or are said to make it difficult for you to leave.. Here are some examples:- You're stupid / useless / ugly / putting on weight.
- You can't even keep the house in a decent state / you're a terrible mother / hopeless cook / frigid / whore / no-one else would want you, you're lucky to have me.
- If you tell anyone else about the abuse... you'll be sorry / no-one will believe you / I'll report you to social services as an unfit mother.
- If you try and leave me... you'll never get away / you couldn't cope without me / no-one else will have you / I'll snatch the kids and you'll never see them again / I'll track you down and find you even if it takes years and then I'll kill you so you'll never be able to live in peace never knowing when it will happen...
- If you leave me I'll kill myself and you'll have to explain to our children why their parent is dead and it'll be on your conscience for the rest of your life...
If after reading this you think that you are, or might be, in an abusive relationship, there's a lot of information on the rest of this site that will help you to think through your options. For more details of abusive behaviours see this list.
This article was last reviewed by Catherine Orr Deas in December 2005.
First published in February 2003.
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