If you have decided to stay, it's important that you consider whether there are conditions to this decision. If possible (and safe) write this down somewhere so you can refer to it later as this can help you feel stronger about your limits.

Part of the process of dealing with domestic violence is learning again to think about your needs and your limits. You can't change them, they must want to change for themselves. But you can change your responses to them - and they may, in turn, change their response to you. If they're already seeking help, you may find it useful to read our section about Perpetrator programmes. If they haven't yet looked for help they could contact the Respect phoneline on 0845 122 8609 for details of Perpetrator programmes.

Conditions for staying

Here are some questions that might help you to think about your conditions:

• Do you know what they want to change about you? Is this acceptable to you?
• What is it that YOU want?
• What are you getting out of the relationship?
• What is within YOUR power to change?
• How likely do you think they are to change?

This article was last reviewed by Catherine Orr Deas in December 2005.
First published in February 2003.