'Moving on' is a lot easier to say than to do. Simply blocking it or pretending to others (and yourself) that you're coping when you're not, rarely works and can make you feel very alone.

For many women, it's only when they are physically safe that they can begin to fully experience their emotional responses. These may include pain, hurt, anger, grief, feelings of abandonment, vulnerability and are most usually a combination of them all.

Don't try to cope with your feelings alone

Don't suffer alone or pretend that everything is fine if it isn't.

Talk to a trusted friend or family member or alternatively, you may wish to see a counsellor at this difficult time in your life. You can also ask your GP to refer you or you can find one yourself at the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. Also, The National Domestic Violence Helpline can give you information about specialist domestic violence counselling services. Call 0808 2000 247

There are also a number of agencies where you can talk to someone in confidence. See Who can I talk to?

There is life after abuse and it does get better.

• Most formerly abused women don't regret leaving, they regret not having left earlier. Even those that went back rarely regret leaving temporarily, because it lay down a 'marker' in their relationship (and, of course, most of them later left again).

• Although it can sometimes be hard at the beginning, it's usually no worse than living with him, and when you re-establish your life, it is usually much better than living with him.

• Ending any relationship, especially one with children involved, is hard irrespective of the reasons and how 'right' it may feel. Healing is rarely immediate; it will take time but it does get better. Remember also that you may be especially vulnerable to the charm and flattery of predatory men at this time, so be aware that you may need some time to fully recover from the abuse before getting involved in another committed relationship.

You are making big decisions and changes in your life - now is the time to maximise your energy reserves for yourself and your children.

Find out what it feels like to put yourself first! See Your story to read about other people's experiences.

This article was last reviewed by Catherine Orr Deas in December 2005.
First published in February 2003.