Don't blame yourself Women's aid You have the right to live free from violence and fear. You don't have to put up with abuse. You can change your life. Remember...

• You are not the only one: It happens to people of both sexes, all ages, all classes, all races, all religions, all levels of intelligence and to people with and without children.

• You are not to blame: You are not responsible for the violence. Your abuser has choices about other ways to react such as walking away until they are calmer.

• You can't change your abusers behaviour: You'll probably have already noticed that it doesn't make much difference what you do to pacify them, they're violent anyway. The only way for your abuser to change is for them to realise they have a problem and to seek help for their behaviour.

• Ignoring violence is dangerous: Violence rarely happens only once. In fact it's much more usual for the violence to get more serious the longer it goes on. Despite their dominating ways, many perpetrators appear to go to pieces after an assault or if their partners threaten to leave them. They can be very remorseful and promise to stop the violence, give up drinking etc. People sometimes feel sorry for them and agree to stay.

• Unfortunately, experience shows that improvements in the behaviour are short-lived and the violence occurs again. Sadly, for some, what began as a slap, ends in murder.

• Break the silence - don't remain isolated: You have nothing to be ashamed of. Don't keep the violence a secret. Get help from someone you trust or you can contact one of the many organisations.

• You can phone them even if you just want to talk. You don't actually have to do anything. The more isolated you are, the harder it becomes to take action. Don't suffer alone, there's lots of help out there. See Getting help to find out what help is available.

• There is life after an abusive relationship: Although 'starting over' may seem very difficult, there are many benefits. Many people start new and rewarding lives and discover they enjoy living without a partner.

• Many people start new and loving relationships which they never believed were possible when they were with their violent partner. Almost all speak of the joy of discovering that the things the abusers told them ('you're stupid / ugly / useless / no-one else would have you / you'll never make it on your own, etc.') were not true. See Life after abuse for more.

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This article was last reviewed by Catherine Orr Deas in December 2005.
First published in February 2003.