Life after abuse Davina James-Hanman It might seem now as if the abuse will dominate your life forever, but this is rarely true. Over time it'll get easier until it becomes just a small part of who you are, amongst many other experiences you've had.

In this article

Will I ever get over it? How can I be sure it won't happen again?

Should I tell my new partner about my violent relationship? I'd like to use my knowledge to help other people - what can I do?

For many, the turning point comes when they have settled all the practical aspects of starting over so their energy can then be focused on their emotional healing. You might also find it useful to read 'How do I start all over again?' .

Yes, there is life after abuse and the pain and confusion will fade.

However, recognise that the emotional and practical losses you've experienced may affect you for a while, so be kind to yourself and don't create unrealistic timetables for recovery.

Being abused by someone you love is a profound betrayal of trust and although it varies for each person, healing may be a long process.

Some people find counselling very useful as this can help to make sense of painful and conflicting emotions. You can ask your GP to refer you or you can find one yourself at the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy website. Also, The National Domestic Violence Helpline can give you information about specialist domestic violence counselling services. Call 0808 2000 247

You can also contact your local refuge or womensaid group to see if there's a support group near you where you could meet other women who have survived domestic violence. You can find out about local groups from the National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247

In your day-to-day life, it can help to try and concentrate on doing things that were impossible when you were with your partner. Many speak of the joy at 'rediscovering' themselves again and of having the freedom to spend their time doing whatever they choose.

Starting all over again

Lots of people manage to re-build their lives after an abusive relationship.

The blunt truth is that you can't guarantee avoiding something that wasn't your fault in the first place.

However, do remember that most people who experience domestic violence don't continually have violent relationships. You might find it useful to read our article on Warning signs.

One thing to be cautious of is rushing into a new committed relationship before having healed from the abuse. You may be especially vulnerable to predatory people at this time and it's also a good idea to spend some time focusing on your own needs.

Only you can really judge if the time is right to share your history with a new partner. However, in most cases, it's probably better to wait until a level of trust has been established before you share too many details.

If you feel you need to offer some kind of explanation - you can always say something unspecific like 'My last relationship was quite difficult and ended badly'.

The important thing is to open up at a pace that you're comfortable with and which doesn't leave you feeling vulnerable and insecure.

There are many advantages to volunteering. As well as helping to meet new people and gain new skills, it's also a way in which you can make positive use of your terrible experiences.

What you can do will depend on what's available in your area. Good places to try to find out what opportunities might be available include your local refuge , Victim Support or your local Community Service Volunteers office .

This article was last reviewed by Catherine Orr Deas in December 2005.
First published in February 2003.