Stepfamily feuds More than half of divorced people remarry, often creating stepfamilies. But just because you've found happiness, doesn't mean your children feel the same way.Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall looks at ways to help your relationship cope.

In this article

Bonding as a couple A child's-eye view

Divided loyalties Further help

While you obviously need to be aware of your children's needs, this doesn't mean your relationship with your partner should suffer.

It's recognised that a strong bond between a couple is important for the long-term happiness of a family as a whole. You need to protect your relationship with firm boundaries.

• Make time for you and your partner to get out on your own, even if it's just a walk once a week.
• When you're alone together, don't always discuss the kids. Take the chance to talk about each other and your hopes and dreams.
• Create space in your home that's just yours. This could be the sofa, for example, or particular seats where you sit and talk together in the evening.
• Show open affection towards each other to reinforce the fact that you're a couple.
• Build a special bond by developing your own special code words and signals.

When family members are openly against your relationship, you're bound to feel hurt and angry. If it's your children causing the problem, you may also feel embarrassed and guilty; if it's your partner's children, you may feel frustrated by the lack of control you have over the situation.

Being able to see things from the children's point of view may make you more accepting of the situation. There are a number of things children may be thinking. Perhaps you've heard some of the following:

"I was here first" - hidden beneath this statement are strong feelings of insecurity. Often said by children who're scared they're being replaced by a new partner and need reassurance they're still important to you.

"They're not my real dad/mum" - a very common statement from a child who's missing their other parent. Remember, they have a point and what they need is lots of comfort and support.

"It won't last" - if your children have witnessed the breakdown of your previous relationship it's not surprising they may have some doubts about this one too. Rather than arguing that you know what you're doing, ask them for their support in making it work.

"It's not fair" - when you find your children challenging your fairness, they're looking for reassurance that they're not being forgotten. Make sure they know they're special.

You may actually find it more difficult if you do understand your child's point of view, because you might not be able to do anything to change the situation. This is when you can end up feeling like piggy-in-the-middle, trying to keep everyone happy. You love your kids and you love your partner - you may feel as though you're being torn in two.

There may be some things you can change to ease the situation, but there'll be many over which you have no control. All you can do is explain the all concerned that you love them very much and you understand how they feel.

If everyone wants to move forward as a happy family, they're going to have to learn to accept you as a couple and compromise.

The benefits of stepfamilies

• Working with your partner to resolve the initial difficulties can create a special bond.
• Children can gain a wider family with even more people to care for them and support them as they grow up.
• Perhaps most importantly, you can show your children that whatever may have happened in the past, you can have a second chance and really enjoy life again.

Happy families don't happen over night. When you can, make the time to sit down as a couple and talk about the situation. Don't fall into the trap of taking your frustrations out on each other. Instead, try to see that it's the situation that's causing the problem, not your relationship.

If you find you're just slipping into a pattern of arguments, you might want to consider talking it through with an objective third party. To find out more, see Do you need counselling?