New rolesWhichever partner takes time off work to care for your baby, it will take you both time to adjust to your new roles as parents, which bring with them some common anxieties. Common anxieties for fathers: - Will I be a good enough father?
- How can I work full-time, help my partner, be with my child and still have time for me?
- Can I earn enough money to look after us? What if I lose my job?
- My partner is so absorbed with the baby, will we ever be a normal couple again?
Common anxieties for mothers: - Will I be a good enough mother?
- Will my body ever feel normal again?
- Can I protect my baby from the dangers of the world?
- How do I feel about being financially dependent on my partner?
- Will I ever have a life of my own again?
Tips for bonding with your baby- Bath the baby together - or even better, all get in the tub.
- Find some time every morning when the three of you can snuggle up with each other.
- Share the babycare. For example, while one of you changes the nappy, the other can keep the baby entertained.
The joys and trials of parentingFor couples, becoming a parent is a joyful time. You may find yourself spending hours staring at your creation, marvelling at the perfect little fingers and toes. Each new development is a milestone to share: the first smile, the first solids - the first night slept through! Learning to be parents can be a bonding experience. But with the joy come the trials. The biggest problem by far is lack of sleep. Exhaustion can make us feel physically ill, mentally drained and emotionally raw. Even the smallest disagreements seem huge. Here are the most common issues that arise: Money - or rather, the lack of it. The change in financial balance if one of you gives up work may also cause problems. See Money trouble and Budgeting for a baby. Time - finding enough time for your baby, for each other, for your job and for yourself becomes an ongoing battle. See 'Tips for creating couple time', below. Sex - even if you find the time and the energy, you've still got to muster up the enthusiasm, and 80 per cent of new mums report lowered desire in the first months. Try some of the tips in Gone off sex? and Too busy for sex? Household chores - instead of blaming each other when the house is a mess and there's no food in the fridge, learn to relax in spite of the chaos. Life will return to normal eventually; in the meantime, order a pizza and turn the lights down low so you can't see the mess. The in-laws - there's a thin line between helpful involvement and interference, and it often depends on your mood. Remember to take whatever help is offered, but be insistent about those things that are important to you. Tips for creating couple time- Remember, all couple time counts, whether it's a two-minute hug or a weekend away.
- Be alert and grab every opportunity to have a bit of time alone.
- Write a list of things you used to enjoy and work out which ones you can still do when the baby's around.
- Get a babysitter, even if it's so you can spend just 30 minutes alone.
How to resolve issuesTalk, talk, talk and more talk. It can be difficult to keep lines of communication open when you're both busy and exhausted, but it's the most important thing you can do to prevent minor issues becoming major problems. Try to find at least one hour a week when you can talk through how things are going. By all means share your feelings, but make sure it doesn't turn into a whingeing session. You might find Resolving issues and Talk and listen helpful. Remember, when you invest time in your relationship you're also investing time in your child's future happiness. Recommended readingBaby Shock!: Your Relationship Survival Guide by Elizabeth Martyn (Vermilion)
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey (Simon & Schuster)
Fatherhood Reclaimed: The Making of the Modern Father by Adrienne Burgess (Vermilion)
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