Empty nest syndrome Children leaving home is both a wonderful and a scary time. For them – and also for you. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall has some tips to get you through the changes.

In this article

Changing times Mixed emotions

Looking forward, not back New opportunities

If the future looks bleak

For the first time in perhaps 20 or more years, there's just you and your partner at home. If your current partner is not also the parent of your children, this could be the first time the two of you have ever lived alone.

In olden times children left home in their mid to late teens, but now it's not uncommon for children to stay at home well into their twenties. In fact, the number of adults 20-25 living with their parents has increased by almost a third from 1991-2003 (Figures from the Office of National Statistics). What's more, in the past, when children left home, they stayed away. But now an increasing number of children will return home after university or a period of travelling, or when a job or relationship doesn't work out as they'd hoped.

But what hasn't changed is the fact that life, as you had known it for many years has changed - and may never be the same again.

Psychologists have coined the term 'empty nest syndrome' to describe the mixture of emotions that couples experience during this phase of their lives. Up until now, children will, to a lesser or greater degree, have relied on you for their emotional and physical stability. Now, it's time for them to launch themselves into the world as independent adults.

For some parents, this can leave them feeling lost and redundant. The role they played as nurturer and protector has gone. A recent survey by BT Openworld found that 40% of parents missed their hands-on role. Others find this a freeing experience. A time when they can focus on their own needs and desires, rather than having to think about the best interests of the wider family. For most, there are mixed feelings. Freedom and loss. Pain and pleasure.

For some people, children leaving home makes them feel older and greyer than their years. Many parents feel energised by the endless activities of their offspring, so when they're gone, they feel empty and tired. But now that we live longer and healthier lives, you can look forward to another 20, 30 or 40 years of active life. As a couple you can help each other to ensure that the years ahead are as fulfilling as the years gone by.

To an outsider, this stage in your life may look similar to when you first met. It's just the two of you deciding how you would like your life and your relationship to be. But it's important to remember that both of you have grown and changed since you first met. Some couples want to re-create the relationship they had before children, but it can't be the same. You have the wisdom of many years together. You know each other very well and it's important that you look forward, not back.

With the wisdom of years, time on your hands and hopefully a bit more cash in the bank, you and your partner can explore new opportunities. How you choose to use your time will be up to you, but be sure that you are sharing the experiences together. Even if you're doing separate activities, be sure to chat about your day and enjoy learning more about each other as individuals.

Things to do

• take up a new hobby or sport to keep your body fit and supple
• exercise your brain by joining an adult education class
• broaden your horizons by visiting places you've never been - home and abroad
• ignite your spirit by joining a social action group
• relight your passions and experiment with some new sexual tricks

Sometimes children are a useful distraction from problems within the relationship. With all energy focussed on the children, other issues can be avoided. You may even have made the conscious decision to 'stay together for the children'. Other couples simply find that having spent so many years with the children around, suddenly they seem to have nothing in common and little to talk about. If you've been avoiding difficulties and differences for years, this may be decision time for you. You might find it helpful to look at Is your relationship over? and also Do you need counselling?

Finding yourselves alone can be both exciting and daunting. And with all changes in life, it's not so much the circumstances that matter, but the attitude you have towards them. Some couples love the new found freedom and opportunities while others take time to adjust and have to relearn how to be a couple. Either way, now is a time of new beginnings.