Coping with fertility problems Paula Hall Most of us assume we'll have children one day, and that it will be a natural and straightforward process - so it can be devastating to discover that you or your partner may have a fertility problem.

In this article

The emotional impact

Survival guidelines

Support from others

There are many treatment options and alternatives for couples struggling to conceive, but the processes are lengthy and can be exhausting both emotionally and physically. It's common for couples to feel frustrated, inadequate, isolated, angry, frightened and guilty.

While investigations or treatment are going on, you can be on a see-saw of highs and lows as your emotions swing from hope and anticipation to failure and disappointment.

Couples who are told their infertility is irreversible can go through a period of grief that feels very similar to a bereavement as they mourn the loss of the child they will never have.

Even the healthiest of relationships will be challenged by infertility as you try to manage your own feelings while supporting each other. Although every situation and individual is unique, you may find these guidelines helpful.

• Remember you are both different. There is no right or wrong way to cope with the frustrations of infertility.
• Don't put the rest of your life on hold. Help and encourage each other to keep as many regular routines going as possible.
• Make time to be together. You need time to share the hopes and also the fears and disappointments.
• Accept your emotions. Let yourselves be frustrated or sad together without feeling one of you must lift the other up.
• Have fun together. Spend as much time as you can doing the things that you won't be able to do when you have a baby.
• Be affectionate. Remember to give each other plenty of physical affection.
• Keep your sex life exciting. Don't let trying for a baby stop your sex life from being intimate and adventurous - and for the fun of it.

You'll both need loads of patience and determination, and the struggle may even bring you closer than ever. But if you’re finding it particularly hard to manage as a couple, you could find couple counselling will help you keep your relationship together while you go through this very difficult period.

These are some more useful contacts:

British Infertility Counselling Association
Professional organisation of counsellors specially trained in fertility issues, with information on local counselling services.
Website: www.bica.net

The Daisy Network
A charity and support group for women experiencing premature menopause.
Website: www.daisynetwork.org.uk

Infertility Network UK
Provides counselling and telephone counselling on infertility, and information on local support groups.
Website: www.infertilitynetworkuk.com