Tips before you start The practical exercises should help you understand your partner better, but, says relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall these guidelines are important to minimise any disputes.

In this article

Before you start Asking your partner

Doing the exercise When you've finished

Where to find the exercises

Don't do these exercises if you're suffering from depression, anxiety or any other mental illness.

Don't do these exercises if you've recently suffered an emotional shock such as a bereavement, broken relationship or other loss.

Don't do these exercises if your relationship is already at breaking point.

If the exercise is one to do as a couple, talk to your partner first (see below). Agree why you think doing this exercise is a good idea and decide on a time and place to complete it.

Agree to use the tips in Productive arguing if you find yourself in conflict.

Think about what you'll do afterwards if the exercise raises difficult emotions.

Your partner may be more than happy to work through the exercises with you. If, however, you think they may be hurt or angry at the suggestion, follow these tips:

• Make sure your partner is relaxed and in a good mood.
• Make sure it's a suggestion. Avoid using words such as "should", "ought" and "must". Instead, try "I was wondering..." or "Perhaps we..."
• Talk about how you feel the exercise will help you. Leave your partner to decide if they think it will also help them.
• Ask them to think about it. Don't expect an immediate answer.
• If they say no, try again a few days later, restating that they'd be helping you if they changed their mind.
• If they still insist they don't want to, drop it and investigate alternative ways of addressing the issue.

Make sure you're relaxed. Postpone if you're feeling stressed, tired or ill.

Remember, it's an exercise. It isn't foolproof and the outcomes may be wrong.

Take some time to relax and think about what you've discovered before taking any action. If it has raised difficult emotions:

• Be kind to yourself - take some time to relax and, if you want, reward yourself with a special treat.
• Get grounded by focusing on your breathing, remembering all the things you do when you're not in a relationship - something that will help you to think about something else for a while.
• Either talk the issues through with your partner or call a trusted friend.

If there's no one around you can talk to, ring one of the helplines listed in your local phonebook. Or you could call Relate on 0845 130 4010 or The Samaritans on 0845 790 9090.

Some issues are just too difficult to sort out on your own, no matter how hard you try. If arguing is becoming a problem, talking to an objective third party may really help. To find out more, see Do you need counselling?

• Do you feel loved?
• Building intimacy
• When you first met
• Hopes and dreams
• Productive arguing
• Learning from arguments
• Talk and listen
• Resolving issues
• Financial agreements
• Creating a budget
• Where will you live?
• Managing jealousy
• Marriage fears