Getting on with the in-laws Paula Hall We've all heard the jokes, but for some people the relationship they have with their partner's parents is far from funny. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall looks at how to overcome or work around your differences.

In this article

Family ties

A united front

Common problems

Unfortunately, we can't choose our in-laws - when you fall in love with someone, their parents come as part of the package. For many couples this isn't a problem, but the fact that in-law jokes have been around for years shows that for many others conflict is nothing new.

The root of most problems is the difference in upbringing. Each family has its own values, traditions and routines. Everything, from the way children should be brought up to how housework should be done, is deeply ingrained in a unique family blueprint. When your in-laws' blueprint is very different from your own, differences of opinion and problems can arise.

To get on with your in-laws, you and your partner must present a united front. It can be difficult to stand up to a parent and set boundaries and rules, but if you and your partner can agree and be supportive of each other, you're more likely to succeed.

You may find you both have to work at your communication skills before you can do this together. For help, see Talk and listen.

Here are some of the most common areas of conflict between couples and their respective in-laws, as well as tips to help you overcome them.

Annoying habits - everyone, including our in-laws, has annoying habits. Whether it's putting too much milk in the tea or retelling the same stories a thousand times, we're all guilty of something. As a couple, make a list of the annoying things your parents do. Then, summoning all the good-will you can find, agree on the ones you'll ignore or privately laugh about. If there are some you really can't live with, discuss the best way of tactfully asking your in-law to stop doing it. If it's your parent or parents, chances are you'll know how to do this best - whether it's using humour or taking them aside for a quiet word.

Criticism - some in-laws have no qualms about telling you if they think you've done something wrong. It's up to you to decide which comments you'll ignore. Perhaps you can shrug off comments about your cooking or lawn-mowing skills, but decide as a couple that you'll ask them to stop making judgements about your career choices or parenting abilities, for example.

Keeping in touch - some families feel it's important to talk every day, while others may go months between phone calls. There's no right or wrong amount to keep in touch so if your partner's family style is different from yours, you need to accept this. But, if you feel it's getting in the way of your relationship, you need to agree some limits. You might agree that phone calls after a certain time will be picked up by the answering machine, for example, or that surprise visits are not OK.

Privacy - when it comes to conversation, some families may feel that no topic is out of bounds. Others may have been brought up with a clear sense that some issues should remain private. As a couple you need to agree which things are OK to talk about with your parents and which should remain private - financial matters, for example, or health issues. You may also decide that some things are OK to discuss with one set of parents, but not the other. Either way, make sure you both know what you've agreed.

Family occasions - weddings, holidays and festival days such as Christmas are a cause of friction for many families. Try to plan well ahead and let everyone know what you've decided. You and your partner may also have strong feelings about family traditions, so be prepared to compromise. For tips on family occasions see Ten top tips for family events.

For some people, getting on with the in-laws is a life long challenge. But for most couples, it's something that gets easier as you get to know them better. There may be some life events like having a new baby or moving home that trigger additional difficulties, but with love and understanding, these difficult times can be an opportunity to get even closer. Living as part of a supportive extended family can be hugely rewarding, so it's well worth the effort.