Learning from arguments By recognising what sparks your rows, and what keeps them going, you can avoid getting stuck in an 'arguing rut'. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall sets out an exercise to help you.

In this article

Preparation

The exercise

Before trying this exercise it's worth having a look at the Guidelines for exercises.

Make a date in advance with your partner to do this exercise. Be sure that each of you has enough time to answer the questions individually before talking about it together.

If your partner's not keen, it's still worth doing yourself, as it can help you feel more confident about asking for what you need.

Before you start, you may want to read What are you really arguing about? and Ways to make peace.

Write each of the following questions on a piece of paper, leaving plenty of space for your answers.

• Was there anything else affecting me before the argument started (for example, stress, anxiety, anger at someone else, hormones, tiredness or illness)?
• Were there any reasons I may have had for being defensive (guilt, avoiding saying sorry or forgiving)?
• Was there anything else affecting my partner? (for example, were they tired, stressed, feeling worried or upset)?
• What could I have said differently that would have helped to diffuse the row (for example, using less emotive language, changing your tone of voice)?
• What could I have done differently that would have helped to diffuse the row (timed it differently, listened more, not been so defensive, been more adult, not jumped to conclusions)?

Once you've answered all these questions, take some time to share your thoughts with your partner and talk about what you can do together to try to avoid arguing in the future.

Once you've got your ideas together, write them down under the heading:

• In the future we both agree to...