Just to let you know, we're no longer updating this site. More information here

9 November 2009
Accessibility help
Text only

BBC Homepage

Lifestyle

Relationships

Couples

Communication and conflict

What are you really arguing about?

Know your conflict style

How to avoid arguments

Productive arguing

Ways to make peace

Learning from arguments

Talk and listen

Resolving issues

Do you need counselling?


		TV and radio

		Talk

		Newsletter

How to avoid arguments

Many arguments occur for the wrong reasons and get out of hand easily. This checklist by relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall can help you to avoid rows - when you next feel a conflict brewing, just ask yourself these questions.

Your feelings

Are you overreacting because you're tired and stressed?
Could the anger you feel be at someone or something else?
Are you hormonal at the moment and feeling unusually irritable or sensitive?
Is your mood being affected by illness?

Your partner's feelings

Could your partner be overreacting because they're tired or stressed?
Do you know that they're currently feeling angry about something else?
Is your partner either struggling with health issues or being affected by hormonal changes?

Your conscience

Are you feeling defensive about what your partner has said or done because you feel guilty?
Could you be feeling defensive because you want to avoid having to say you're sorry?
Are you bearing a grudge against your partner for something you need to let go of?
If you're going to raise an issue, are you sure this is the main thing that's bothering you? (See What are you really arguing about?)
If you're going to raise an issue, are you sure it's worth risking a potential argument?
If you're going to raise this issue, are you using the guidelines in Productive arguing?