What are you really arguing about? If you and your partner seem to spend most of your time arguing, perhaps you should take a closer look at the cause of conflict. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall investigates the main reasons for recurring rows.

In this article

Common conflicts Unresolved issues

Sensitive subjects Fighting for your deeper needs

Hidden pay-offs Further help

The most common things couples argue about are money, sex, work, children and housework - roughly in that order.

Most rows start because of differences of opinion, but with patience and basic communication skills you should be able to negotiate a compromise.

If there's violence

Violence or threats of violence are never acceptable in a relationship. If arguments are always aggressive, or you avoid conflict because you're scared things may get out of control, you need support. You can contact the Women's Aid helpline free on 0808 200 0247. You can also get further information about domestic violence from our Hitting Home site.

If you find the same old issues come up over and over again, or as soon as one issue's resolved another crops up, then there's more going on than meets the eye. Below are some common reasons.

Sometimes people find they're fighting battles that have far more to do with the past than the present. Feelings of rejection or betrayal in childhood can create hot buttons that partners press without realising.

For example, a partner who's parent left suddenly in childhood may find themselves overreacting to a hastily arranged business trip. Or a partner who was always forced to do gardening as a punishment when a child may become irrationally angry when asked to mow the lawn.

If there are taboo subjects in your relationship that always cause a storm, you need to mention them more often. If you don't, they can become time bombs.

Taboo subjects can include things such as a forgotten birthday or a time when you felt your partner wasn't there for you. Often it's something that represents a serious breach of trust such as an affair or a breaking of confidence. Burying old relationship problems is OK, but you have to make sure they're dead first.

Couples often use topics such as money, sex or housework to fight for their deeper needs within a relationship.

For example, an argument over who should pay for what may really be about where the responsibility lies and who's got the power in this situation. Rows about housework are often about unfilled needs for respect and worth. And arguing about how often to have sex is nearly always about feeling loved and cared for and deeper needs for connection and affection.

For some couples arguing actually plays a beneficial role, as it may be the only time they get to share their feelings. It can also add excitement to a relationship or be a way of getting attention.

Arguing can be worth the pain because of the joy of making up. And when you make up you get to reaffirm your love for each other.

Just remember: beneath the surface of an argument often lurks a much deeper issue, desperate to be let out and looked at - and you'll keep on arguing until you do.

If you have concerns about your relationship, try talking it through with your partner or a trusted friend, or you might want to consider seeing a relationships counsellor. To find out more, go to Do you need counselling?

Stop Arguing, Start Talking: The 10 Point Plan for Couples in Conflict by Susan Quilliam (Vermilion)