Helping yourself through grief When you've suffered the loss of a loved one, life may seem meaningless and you may feel hopeless for months or even years. But there are a number of measures you can take to guide yourself through the toughest times, says Dr Ann Dent.

In this article

How to help yourself How long does grief last?

Obstacles that make grieving more difficult Continuing bonds with the dead person

Remembering anniversaries

Be gentle with yourself. It's vital that you don't expect too much from yourself. Give yourself permission to be disorganised for a while. Forgive yourself when you make mistakes.

Care for yourself physically. Lack of sleep and nourishment may mean that you're more prone to infections and illness, so eating little and often and getting rest if at all possible are both important.

Take exercise. If possible do some form of exercise, even if it's only a gentle walk.

Avoid alcohol. Reliance on alcohol may help temporarily to dull the pain, but in the long run it doesn't help.

Avoid sleep medication. It's not advisable to rely on sleeping pills for any length of time. In the first few days, they may help you to get to sleep but your body and mind need to adjust naturally to bereavement and sleeping pills may inhibit this process. They can also become addictive.

Be kind to yourself. Try to do one thing extra for yourself each week, such as buying yourself a bunch of flowers or going to the cinema.

Deal with your feelings. Write down all the feelings that are in your head, especially before going to bed, as this may help you to sleep better. Sharing the pain with other members of the family can be helpful, but they too may have their own pain and may not want to hear your story repeatedly. A good friend who's not so emotionally involved may be prepared to listen. If this is difficult then there are support groups that can help.

Work on your self-esteem. Your self-esteem may have taken a real knock. To help morale, buy a notebook to record your daily 'successes'. Write at least five successes each day. Acknowledge yourself each time you achieve something, however small.

Recall happy memories. Remembering the good times with the person who died can be painful but healing. Looking at photographs, making a memory book and keeping meaningful mementoes may help.

Don't rush to dispose of clothing. Rushing to get rid of your loved one's clothes and possessions, even if you're persuaded by friends to do this, isn't necessarily useful. It's best to do it when you feel ready. You may want to keep an old jersey which still reminds you of your loved one's special smell. This is normal. It's worth remembering that others may value a keepsake.

Take things slowly. Making big changes such as moving house, starting a new relationship or changing your job should be delayed for at least six months. You've suffered a huge loss, and need to adjust to that change in your life first.

Unfortunately, there's no definitive answer because each of us is different. Recovery time may take months, a few years or even longer. Our friends may think we should've 'got over it' by six months, but this is usually an unrealistic expectation. A severe physical wound takes time to heal, and so it is with bereavement. However, the acute pain you feel in the beginning will lessen and life will gradually seem less bleak and meaningless.

Sometimes, it may be hard to allow grief to come to the surface, which can prolong your pain. The following may hinder the healing process:

• refusal to accept the loss
• lack of practical, emotional or spiritual support
• marital or family discord
• mixed feelings towards the lost person
• difficulties in expressing feelings
• exaggerated self-control
• low self-esteem
• inability to attend the funeral
• anxiety about money
• regret over unfinished business
• continuing grief over a past bereavement
• the lack of a body to mourn

Previously, it was thought that the purpose of grief was to sever ties with the dead person so that new attachments and a new identity could emerge. New research shows that maintaining bonds with the dead person is healthy. Many bereaved people are afraid of forgetting their loved one, believing that that special person will fade into insignificance and be forgotten.

Bereaved parents may find this especially difficult. Their lost child will remain a big part of their lives forever, and they'll probably still talk about him or her, even to strangers, if it fits into the conversation.

Remembering anniversaries is important

Remembering anniversaries is important. Most people say the thought of the day is worse than the day itself. As you'll be thinking about the person, make an occasion of the day by going to a place you enjoyed together, going to the grave and having a quiet time of reflection, listening to music that you and your loved one enjoyed, lighting a candle for the person who died or asking people who knew the person for a meal, suggesting they each bring a contribution.

There are also ways of setting up memorials. Here are some organisations that can help:
Woodland Trust
Tel: 01476 581111
Website: www.woodland-trust.org.uk
The trust offers to plant trees as a memorial.

Memorial Awareness Board
Tel: 020 7463 2020
Website: www.namm.org.uk/mab
The board advises on memorials.

Memorials by Artists
Tel: 01728 688934
Website: www.memorialsbyartists.co.uk
This organisation offers hand-carved memorials.