Gaining from loss You may not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you lose a loved one, but for many, ultimately the experience can turn into a positive one. Dr Ann Dent hears what some bereaved people have to say.

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Finding the positive

It won't occur to you when you're grieving, but eventually the experience of bereavement may turn out to have a positive outcome. Here are some comments made by bereaved people who've been ultimately enriched by the process of grief.

• "I wouldn't have chosen to lose my husband, but I feel deeply enriched by the experiences that I've had as a result of his death and the depth of sharing and intimacy I've experienced with others in the course of my healing journey."
• "There are sad days, but it's easier to remember the good times and other special events that we shared. I don't like to dwell on sad, unhappy events - these I must put away. I'll always remember them, but on the more positive side rather than the negative side."
• "One morning I woke up to a new realisation. For the first time in my whole life, I was aware that I could do whatever I wanted or be whatever I wanted. This was such an overwhelming thought that I began exploring what it was I wanted to do. Then it hit me! I'd always been what others wanted me to be, done what others wanted me to do. And I never knew it until now."
• "My dear son's death had a tremendous impact on me but it's been an impetus for positive change and growth in me. I had him for a few short years, but he gave a special love to my life. He can't receive my love, but I can send it to him by giving it to others."
• "My encounters with death have taught me this: that we will die and those we love will die. That thorny fact remains, as yet, unsolved by science; it gives meaning to our endeavours and it renders our endeavours meaningless. In the meantime, we must get on with what is both the simplest and the most awesome of tasks: we must dare to live."