When your child dies Jonathan Hartley Losing a child - no matter what his or her age - can have devastating effects on parents, irrespective of the circumstances surrounding the death. Thankfully, there are a number of support groups and networks that can offer help.

In this article

The shock of loss

Periods of adjustment

Finding support

Hearing the traumatic news of a death usually throws you into a state of shock and disbelief as you try to defy reality and pretend it hasn't happened. The sheer intensity of your feelings, the utter despair at the loss, and sometimes the intolerable physical pain you may suffer, all lead to a sense of numbness.

The death of someone close can be the most devastating experience you'll ever have. But the death of your child turns your world completely upside down. To watch someone to whom you gave life, who's an extension of yourself, lying dead while you're still alive, challenges the natural order of things.

The loss is absolute. Parents are left making sense out of nonsense. Children should grieve the loss of parents, not the other way round. It's normal to grieve and everyone expresses their grief in their own unique way. There are no rules and no right or wrong ways. For parents, the frightening intensity and rawness of emotions they experience can make them feel like screaming at the cruelty of the world. You may find yourself 'shutting down' and blocking everything out through fear of being overwhelmed with grief.

Bereavement literally means being robbed and deprived of hope. As the reality of your loss sinks in, you may feel anger, hatred - and guilt. Someone must be to blame and it's all too easy to wrongly blame yourself.

Guilt and anger sometimes not only affect the bereaved, but those closest to them too. Losing a child can strain even the strongest partnerships. Sometimes a grieving parent will shut his partner out, adding to his or her feelings of isolation. Conversely, if you lose a child from a previous marriage, it may seem as if the only other person who can possibly understand the loss and share your grief is your ex-partner. This can be very confusing and cause great pain in current relationships.

Even after the rawness of the feelings fades, you may undergo long periods of adjustment, not all of which are clearly understood. If you catch yourself having too much fun, or even feeling that life is starting to be bearable again, this can turn to guilt, or renewed grief that your child is no longer there to share it.

Basic day-to-day existence - let alone meeting everyone's expectations as a friend, family member or professional in a stressful workplace - uses enormous amounts of energy. How many friends, relatives and co-workers will be able to cope with the continuing exhaustion, lack of concentration, forgetfulness, depression, self-pity and apparently irrational behaviour at times such as anniversaries?

There's no time limit on grief

There's no time limit on grief and you may continue to feel bereaved at every stage of the life your child would've enjoyed had they lived: at their graduation, at their wedding, for your absent grandchildren. Nobody fully recovers from the death of a child: they adjust to it as best as they can.

It's not unusual at times to feel that you're going mad through the intensity of your grieving. Friends and colleagues can help by letting you talk about it at your own pace for as long as it takes, by simply being there and acknowledging your feelings - and by not being shocked by them.

Sometimes you might want to seek extra support and express your pain without hurting those close to you. Organisations that can help or refer you on to appropriate support include:

The Child Bereavement Trust
Tel: 0845 357 1000
Website: www.childbereavement.org.uk
Offers confidential telephone support and online forums, along with training for professionals working with grieving families and children.

The Child Death Helpline
Tel: 0800 282 986
Website: www.childdeathhelpline.org.uk
Offers telephone support on every weekday evening from 7pm to 10pm, every weekday from 10am to 1pm and on Wednesday afternoons from 1pm to 4pm.

Cruse Bereavement Care
Tel: 0870 167 1677 (adult helpline); 0808 808 1677 (young people's helpline)
Website: www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk
A national voluntary organisation that offers a free, confidential bereavement counselling service to people of all ages.

Samaritans
Tel: 0345 909 090
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk

The Compassionate Friends
Tel: 0117 953 9639
Website: www.tcf.org.uk
A national organisation offering support and friendship to bereaved parents and families.