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Squire Aldridge's Journal - Part I

by Robert Ing:

This parody is of Squire Haggard's Journal by Michael Green, which is itself a masterly spoof.

Feb 10 1779: Drizzle. Ezekeal Rathouse d from flocculence of the mazzard. Obd. Toothwood tried to shoot himself, but the pistol miss'd its fire. Received of Amos Cartwheel for some pigs 0£ 1s 3d, the 3d being bad. Spent a.m. evictg Amos Bilgewater, Blind Bartholemew and One-Legged Peter. By noon, the rage for drink so overpower'd me that I called upon the Rector, but the canting dog would only offer nettle-wine. In p.m, evict'd Nath. Wormgut and Grannie Groop; also re-evict'd Blind Bartholemew, who now lodg'g with Grannie Groop. Dined at an inn upon boiled rabbit, pease puddg and 3 botts Madeira. The pease puddg being bad, pay'd innkpr with the 3d I had of Amos Cartwheel.

ITEM: to emeticks: 0£, 0s, 1/4d.

11 Feb: Hail. Jos. Breakwind d of the Spanish Pox. Obd Toothwood tried to drown himself in the Am, but rescued by One-Legged Peter, whom he belabour'd soundly for his pains. Bub'ck Plague raging in Constantinople. In PM, met Sir Oliver Foxbrush, who wager'd me 5 sovs he could spit on greater number of objectionable people than I. Won wager, expectoratg upon 4 Quakers, 1 Dissenting Preacher, 2 Papists, 2 Grundies and a Tucker, beatg Sir O by 2 Quakers and a Grundy. Dined with Sir O upon a boiled sheeps-head, 3 rabbits, roots, 8 botts Madeira and 2 botts brandy. Concluded entertainment by performing many merry minuets and quadrilles upon hpschd.

ITEM: to repairs of hpschd: 0£, 1s, 3 1/4d.

12 Feb: Fog. Augustus Marrowfat d of purulence of the tubes. Isiah Horrobin whipp'd at cart's tail for questiong legitimacy of Duke of Cumberland. Obd Toothwood tried to hang himself, but the rope broke. Shot interesting poacher in the AM. Chirugeon Hathaway, who has been suffering much from the Melancholick Distemper since his wife became a worshipper at the rites of Venus, saw'd wrong leg off Artemus Wormwood, who d. Thank G- in his mercy, Chirugeon H is unaware I am the Gentl'n behind his distemper, and may we all pray he is not disabused in this matter. Dined upon boiled worats, eels, pigs' feet, turnips and six botts claret, wch sorely affected the inner vapours.

ITEM: to repair of privy door: 0£, 0s, 6 1/2d.

13 Feb: Floods. Malachi Groper d of the purple efflusions. Nehemiah Dogbreath hanged for poaching a worat. Obd Toothwood tried to cut his throat but fail'd, the blade fallg out of the razor. Rob't Snell's hovel innundated beneath the waters, but none will give him shelter as his wife (who is a witch) is much afflicted with the windy vapours. They now livg in empty pigsty own'd by Jabez Archer, the rogue charg'g them 0£, 2s, 0d per week for the privilege. Spent day in a melancholick temper that not even the absence of my wife Jenny could cure.

ITEM: to Jabez Archer, for pigs: 0£, 1s, 2 1/2d.

14 Feb: Gales. Obd Toothwood hit by fallg tree and d. Eli Sodden d of the Green Eruptions, owg me 0£, 0s, 6 1/2d the wch I shall never see again. Banns publish'd for local innkpr. In PM retir'd to inn to join in celebrations, hopg that there might be someone in company to lend me money but the cantg Dogs kept their purses tight, and cd afford no more than to dine upon cold pease pddg.

ITEM: to the curative powders: 0£, 0s, 1/4d.

Read Part Two of Squire Aldridge's Journal

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