TOGs, also known as Terry's Old Geezers or Gals, listen and attempt tirelessly to feature on Wake Up To Wogan.
Togginess is a state of mind recognised by many, as that feeling of being old before your time. In this light, TOGs are famous for their fierce resentment of anybody younger than themselves reflected in exclamations such as 'They don't know they're born!' and 'Clear off, you young limb!'
Another tell-tale sign of a TOG is a flat cap and an inexplicable penchant for driving their Volvos in the centre lane of the motorway at 60mph. TOGs may also be recognised by their use of such arcane phrases as 'Is it me?', the self-pitying, 'I never saw a bar of chocolate until I was fourteen', the perplexed, 'Why did I come upstairs again?'
There is talk of a secret sign, known only to those who see it flashed, rather like some Bat-Signal, on the radio every morning. There is an even more secret Grand Master, or TOGmeister, sign always exchanged under cover of darkness, or the snug of a seedy eaterie near Broadcasting House, which is known only to Wogan himself, and the Duke of Kent.
Many covet the TOGs car stickers but then, once they receive them, get cold feet and hide them in the back of an upstairs drawer. Those brave enough to flaunt the sticker in their car windows pay a terrible price, not only in loss of face among nearest, dearest and the rest of the population, but in the trade-in value for the vehicle: the thing is impossible to remove.
The TOGs sweatshirt, which, like the car-sticker, is rarer than hen's teeth, bears the legend: 'Do I come here often?' - a tried and trusted TOG chat-up line. There was a strong ground-swell of opinion to have 'I stop for no particular reason' on the back, but it soon petered out.
Currently a movement is gathering strength to have the logos changed to 'It's never your fault' on the front and 'Mustn't grumble', on the back. It will come to nothing. They'll forget about it if you don't pay any attention. This condition is known to TOGs as a 'senior moment', a euphemism, to indicate a temporary loss of all marbles to anyone over 50…
TOGs feel a deep-seated need to form themselves into groups,clusters or tribes. Watch out for a gathering near you.