Confessions: The Bowler Hat

Twenty years ago, when Simon was a whippersnapper presenter on BBC Radio 1, he received thousands of letters from listeners confessing their darkest secrets and worst misdemeanours, begging for his forgiveness. Every day, Father Mayo read out a confession - and then he'd decide whether to grant forgiveness or not.

Now Confessions is back on BBC Radio 2 Drivetime. Read a Confession below, then Send Simon Your Confession


Dear Father Simon

I am asking for forgiveness for something that happened many years ago. At the time both my Father and Brother were working for a large engineering group, my father as a systems annalist and my brother as an engineering apprentice.

So when it came to me leaving school it was taken for granted that I would follow in their footsteps and go into an apprenticeship at the company. They were to be disappointed.

Not for me the factory life... Oh No!!! It would be the outdoor life for me!! After much arguing and attempts to talk me around I got my own way and a post as a local pig farm was found.

After the first week on the farm it began to dawn on me I had made a big mistake.

I hated it; and as the weeks went by I became more and more depressed with the job.

Then a ray of hope was offered to me. At last a chance to get away from all the mucking out if only for a couple of hours a week, The farm owner offered to teach me to drive a tractor. At last something to take my mind off the situation.

Two weeks later having completed my training I was told that every Friday after lunch it would be my job to load the muck spreader and as there were no public roads involved to access the fields I could take the spreader out and spread the muck on the fields of the farm. So it went on, I looked forward to my spreading at the end of each week. It was like an oasis to get away from the hell which was the farm yard.

One roasting hot Friday, after mucking out 20 filthy pig pens the manager came to me and asked me to take spreader onto a different field. So, I loaded up the spreader and went to the new field. Feeling as I did, I was in no rush to get beck to the yard so I chose a cool place next to some woods at the bottom of the field to sit and think about my future.

It was at this point that a group of local school kids came running past. On seeing me the mickey taking started. It was just too much, all the frustration and upset of the last 2 months burned inside me and I just couldn't help myself. I engaged the spreader, slammed the hand throttle forward and set a parallel course to pass the spotty youths in their perfect white games kit about five foot to my right.

The ark of that morning's fresh prime porker poo hit its targets with amazing accuracy. To see the looks (on what was left to see) of their faces and there heavily soiled white game kit gave me overwhelming satisfaction. I dispensed the rest of my load laughing all the way.

It wasn't until I returned to the yard that it dawned on me that the consequences of my actions could be severe. As it happened I was to hear no more about the incident.

I announced that I was no longer attracted to farming and was going to pursue different avenues of employment. My Father, now retired, went on to be a respected company director. My brother is now a top executive businessman jetting off first class all over the world, and as for me I took a job in a factory, just until I found something better.

28 years later I am still a semi skilled worker in a factory, while I am not entirely dissatisfied with my lot I think I may have gone wrong somewhere!

Please forgive me my sin, even though I still laugh about it when I remember it!


BBC © 2014 The BBC is not responsible for the content of external sites. Read more.

This page is best viewed in an up-to-date web browser with style sheets (CSS) enabled. While you will be able to view the content of this page in your current browser, you will not be able to get the full visual experience. Please consider upgrading your browser software or enabling style sheets (CSS) if you are able to do so.