Classic Confession: Cheese

Twenty years ago, when Simon was a whippersnapper presenter on BBC Radio 1, he received thousands of letters from listeners confessing their darkest secrets and worst misdemeanours, begging for his forgiveness. Every day, Father Mayo read out a confession - and then he'd decide whether to grant forgiveness or not.

Read a classic Confession below, then Send Simon Your Confession


Dear Father Simon,

Family confessions? You won't get one better than this!

Having for many years being aware of this hideous misdemeanour, I feel that it is now time to grovel at your feet (very apt in this case) to humbly beg forgiveness - mainly for the concealment of the act in question.

The dirty deed in fact had 'nothing' to do with my sweet self but primarily my sisters who I feel require the greatest redemption. They have always taken pleasure in playing practical jokes - particularly on our father.

About ten years ago, my oldest sister purchased an implement for reducing the hard skin on the bottom of the feet. I'm sure you know the sort of thing, it looked and worked something like a cheese-grater and my three sisters who shared a flat at the time spent many happy hours collecting the grisly shavings from their non-too-savoury feet.

These they put into a Parmesan cheese container and when it was sufficiently full posted it to my father who, not being stupid, did not touch it with a bargepole. However, my brother coming home from work in desperate need of nourishment made himself some pasta. He thought his luck was in and that my mother, who is strictly a Cheddar lady, had been possessed by an unusual fit of generosity while last out shopping. He sprinkled it liberally on his meal and scoffed the lot.

It is for the knowledge of this crime that I beg my pardon; for the fact that not only does my brother not know the truth to this day but also that he is vegetarian and has partaken of not only animal, but human flesh (albeit waste product!)

I rest my case.

Yours seeking absolution,


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