THE TUNE YOU CAN'T DOWNLOAD

Every week Jon and Andrew try to trump each other's most unusual musical treasures.
Listen to the tracks

We can guarantee you won't be able to get hold of these tracks anywhere - and certainly not download them. With the help of record detective Jonny Trunk, we share them with you each week.

If you have an equally bizarre track that you think we should hear please E-mail us.

ROUND 1

• 'The Highway Code' -
  The Master Singers (Andrew's choice)

An extraordinary record on the EMI label produced by Beatles man, George Martin in 1966. A group called The Master Singers quite literally sing The Highway Code!

• 'Don't Drink and Drive' -
  The Hutton School Choir (Jon's choice)

This is from the record 'See and Be Seen'. The incongruity of school children singing about drink driving is wonderful, and what superb whistling.

Verdict: Jon awards himself the winner.

ROUND 2

• Dropped Stitches
  (Andrew's choice)

'Brother takes you on an adventure in fashion with a ball of yarn'. The most dour American voice-over you're ever likely to hear talking about dropped stitches. The record comes complete with knitting patterns - hurrah!

• Facial Exercises
  (Jon's choice)

'Holiday magic facial exercises'. Another American gentleman with much more of a spring in his step, this time with simply the best use of strawberry frappe that you have ever heard.

Verdict: Andrew declares Jon the winner, again!

ROUND 3

• Computer's In Love
  (Andrew's choice)

This is from the album 'The In Sound From Way Out' - Jean Jaques Perrey and Gershon Kingsley. It was issued in the UK on Vanguard records in 1973.

• CAT
  (Jon's choice)

This is from the album 'Fun In Shariland' by Shari Lewis, with Charlie Horse and Lambchop. We guess the release year to be 1963.

Verdict: Jon declares himself the winner, again.

ROUND 4

• The Time Of The Singing Of The Birds - Merv And Merla
  (Andrew's choice)

Written and sung by Merv and Merla in 1972. It was issued on their debut LP on Word Records, The Sounds Of Fresh Waters. According to the sleevenotes "they are folk singers not like you have heard". They hail from Canada, and this album is their finest work to date.

• Buy Me
  (Jon's choice)

The locked groove tracks are all from 'Buy Me', with all tracks by 'Me'. It's a limited edition, with unlimited duration - 42 locked grooves on clear vinyl. A conceptual single, issued in Manchester, in about 1999, apparently by Stock Hausen and Walkmen, a trio of unusual musical scientists. No publishing info, no record label information. Raving mad.

Verdict: As is traditional, Jon declared himself to be the winner.

ROUND 5

• August - The Seasons
  (Andrew's choice)

This is a BBC Drama Workshop album (1969), with poems and writing by Ronald Duncan, and electronics by David Cain. Colour slides were also available for this album, via the BBC.

• Dance To The Music
  (Jon's choice)

EIO (or New MacDonald had a form) comes from 'Dance To The Music', a fifth album made with child participation in mind, by the legendary duo Bruce Haack and Miss Nelson. Bruce made all the electronic noises in a Heath Robinson way, while Miss Nelson made up the words. The album was issued on their own label, called Dimension 5 in 1972.

Verdict: Jon won again of course.

ROUND 6

• No Smoking
  (Jon's choice)

No Smoking comes from 'Panic, Son of Shock', the second in a series of quite barmy recordings by the Creed Taylor Orchestra. The track here was written by Ken Hopkins and was published by Ampco Music. Sleeve notes include the fact that this album is "a trifle strange". Issued by ABC Paramount, circa 1959.

• Bohemian Rhapsody
  (Andrew's choice)

Andrew thought he'd pulled a fast one when he uncovered a rare white label track from his soggy cardboard box in the garage. Surely this was the tune to win the final and deciding round of their bloody battle?

Extraordinarily Andrew's 'white label' find turned out to be one of the most popular records of all time - 'Bohemian Rhapsody' by the lesser known mega star band Queen, which was frankly very downloadable. As Jon reeled back on his heels at the astonishingly stupid choice, Mr Collins, remarkably unperturbed by his status as the only man in the world not to know who Freddie Mercury was, took advantage of Jon's open mouth and stole victory from the jaws of defeat by snatching the trophy and triumphantly crowing "I am the champion!". Go figure at the logic in all of that.