The 'quality polis' team of McGregor and Toshan attend a football match and cause the very riot they were there to prevent. Pals Peter and Scott have a disagreement over what is, and is not, acceptable footwear for the pub, and Jolly Boy John has fun with some pet turtles in his latest home video.
Two aggressive car salesmen foist a top-of-the-range motor on a reluctant passer-by while a paranoid punter sees secret government plots in fish suppers. The Burnistoun Film Awards are disrupted by some locals who have their eyes on the red carpet while another aspiring gangster is given his first chance at demanding money with menaces but can't quite get the menacing bit right. A sadistic stage performer forces an embarrassed member of the audience to dance for him and the Burnistoun Time Capsule receives some unusual contributions.