Music Played12 items
Haircut One Hundred Fantastic Day
Fantastic 80's Disc 1 (Various Artis, Columbia
Amy Macdonald Slow It Down
(CD Single), Mercury, 1
ABBA Honey Honey
Phil Collins Sussudio
Phil Collins ...Hits, Virgin
Queen Killer Queen
Queen - Greatest Hits, Parlophone, 2
Emeli Sandé My Kind Of Love
(CD Single), Virgin, 1
Elvis Presley I Got Stung
(CD Single), RCA
The Rolling Stones Paint It Black
The Rolling Stones - Forty Licks, Abkco
Matchbox Buzz Buzz A Diddle It
Emin Baby Get Higher
(CD Single), Saffron, 1
Paul Weller When Your Garden's Overgrown
Sonik Kicks, Island, 9
Status Quo In My Chair
Whatever You Want - V.Best Of Status, Polygram Tv
Today's Confession: Meet The Beetles
Dear Father Simon, Brothers and Sisters
Having recently had a good chuckle at the tarantula fuelled, shed-burning fireman and painted tortoises (let’s not go into all that again Sister Rebecca), a somewhat repressed memory was stirred that took me back to an event that occurred in the late 70’s, when I was aged about 12.
One of the highlights of early summer evenings for me and my brother was a remarkable abundance of stag beetles that would appear, crawling up trees and flying around our garden and up and down our street as the night drew in.
We would amuse ourselves by catching said stag beetles in fishing nets and put them in a big box to see how many we could catch. Lots, was the answer but we always let them go, unharmed at the end of our evenings’ fun. We soon wondered if we would catch the same beetles night after night so we put a spot of white paint on their backs and sure enough we’d often catch the same ones on different days.
This was all harmless fun and undoubtedly aided the subsequent population of stag beetles by unintentionally providing a sort of beetle dating agency in our cardboard box. It also probably saved some of them from the local bats, for which the stag beetles were something of a delicacy.
However, one day I came across a dead but perfectly intact and rather impressive male specimen, about 2 inches long and with really big “pinchers”, as we called them (mandibles). Obviously this had to be kept, so into my pocket it went.
At around this time my mother ran the local Sunday-school and we were dutifully dragged along to church every Sunday morning and then on for some wishy-washy orange squash in the church hall afterwards. Picture, if you will, a large church hall with an entrance lobby and ladies and gentlemen’s loos on either side. After a pious morning and copious quantities of squash I was attending a call of nature in the gents loo when I found I still had the stag beetle in my pocket. Then it occurred to me. Wouldn’t the stag beetle look great peeping over the top of the loo roll! It did! So I left it there and went back to scrounge some biscuits. Time passed, and I forgot about my beetle.
During the week, the church hall was used by a pre-school playgroup and the following chain of events was described to my mother by somebody from the playgroup that may just have had an inkling of who could have been behind it...
It turned out that at some point during the morning, one of the lady playgroup teachers took a number of the boys to the loo for a wee. Once they had finished, she apparently stayed behind to use the facilities herself. I can only guess that upon pulling on the loo roll, my prize specimen stag beetle must have leapt out at her in a very lifelike fashion as she is rumoured to have screamed and fled from the loo with her knickers round her ankles.
So, whilst the memory still fills me with mirth I do feel remorse and ask the confessional collective for forgiveness not only for causing shock and embarrassment to the playgroup teacher (who shouldn’t really have been using the gents loo anyway) but also for the potential mental scars inflicted on the playgroup children by seeing their teacher screaming and improperly clad. For that I am truly sorry.