13/02/2012

Pause For Thought: Rabbie Debbie Young-Somers

This week, in honour of the festival people either love or hate, Valentines day, we are going to be thinking about Love.

My marriage often confuses people. I am a Reform Rabbi, and my husband is an observant Orthodox Jew. This might be compared to a Female Anglican Priest married to a devout practising Catholic – but more surprising. It is often hard for new acquaintances, and even old friends, to understand how on earth it works, and they tend to assume it is down to our very deep love. Of course my husband and I do love each other, some days even deeply, but I often worry that many of us are misled by a constant attempt to sell us the possibility of love that strikes like a thunderbolt. I have conducted the wedding of one couple who spoke of a thunderbolt moment, but for most people, love is something that comes much more gradually, and which takes work to maintain.

I’m not convinced that its love that holds my marriage together. It certainly made us want to work on finding ways to live together despite our differences, but ultimately, what makes it work is a common set of core values and lifestyle. Although we may have different motives, we want to live our Judaism in very similar ways, and each knows where we find the most joy and meaning within a community. When falling in love we need to be open to the differences of the other, as well as conscious of whether these are two lives that could live together and still be fully themselves

Thunderbolts aside, it is the everyday sameness that can be the most testing part of a relationship. Penny Jordan, Mills and Boon’s most prolific author, who passed away on the 31 December, sold romance and passion to millions. Yet she herself felt that a cup of tea thoughtfully delivered to the bedside every morning meant much more than extravagant flowers once a year. I wouldn’t want you to think I’m a hard hearted cynic, in fact romance and keeping the spark alive are also essential parts of any relationship – especially if you’re having to pick up dirty socks as well! But perhaps this is something we need to work on every day, not one day a year.