Dear Simon and crew, I would like to confess and seek forgiveness for something I did many years ago while walking my dog in a local park.

The park in question is a large and beautiful country park on the outskirts of my local town and every year it sets aside a large area for displaying roses....beds and beds of different roses in a myriad of colours and scents, most of which had exotic sounding names and titles. It was a beautiful summer and day after day I would walk my energetic Dalmatian dog ‘Buster’ through the park in a vain attempt to tire him out.

One day whilst walking through the park, a little bored and eager to find something to amuse me, I strolled through the area of the park set aside for the roses. They were arranged in squares with grass pathways between the beds and each bed had a little wooden block proudly displaying the exact name of the flower, which was engraved in white on a black plastic plaque screwed to the block.

The size and font of the writing reminded me of something and I quickly remembered that in work we had a little punching machine that produced those once familiar plastic labels with the raised lettering on a red or black tape. I fancied that the black tape would be indiscernible from the lettering on the wooden blocks and so began one of the most enjoyable summers of my life.

The Rose Show, or ‘Trials’ as they are called, attracts many thousands of people, and I don’t think I’m wrong in saying that ‘in the main’ they are usually of the older generation, and this only fuelled my excitement as I watched them quietly pass through the gardens whispering to each other about the gorgeous blooms, and peering through their spectacles perched on the ends of their noses at the exotic names of each rose. Some even wrote the names of their favourites on a note pad!
The evening before when the park was empty I had made my ‘adjustments’ to the name plates and now I sat innocently on the grass with my dog playing at my feet only a few yards from the rose beds.

Most of the changes I had made were pretty basic and on an Latin theme, names like BOOBIUS MAXIMUS and ORBS GIGANTIA, and judging by the reaction some folk even accepted these as real as I sometimes saw them nodding knowingly to each other with that ‘Yes I’ve seen Orbs Gigantia before’ look, but other changes I made were more inventive. And inspired by harry Potter, I labelled one group of roses WYNGARDIUM LEVIOSA!
I noticed a rose called ‘Terry Wogan’ which I thought was unusual for a start and to this one I added an apostrophe S and the word BUTTOCKS…as it had a beautiful pink hue. Flushed with success, I added Kenbrucia, Jeremy's Vine and my fave, Jamius Cullumnas Dahlia

I was never found out and eventually the greens keepers removed my ‘adjustments’ to the name plates although I replaced them regularly. I sometimes chuckle at the image in my mind of them having to lead distressed pensioners back to the car park reassuring them that boobies and orbs weren’t really the correct names. Or even worse - some old ladies discussing over tea and sandwiches that they’d sniffed Terry Wogan's Buttocks earlier that day!
So Simon I seek forgiveness from those innocent flower lovers and the greens keepers… for my summer of mischief with my beloved dog many years ago.

Diarmud