01/02/2012

Today's Confession: Black Swan

Dear Father Simon and your pardoning collective

I am an avid and loyal listener the Confessions. However each & everyday I listen to your show I feel guilty that I have yet to tell my story of the Black Swan.

About eight years ago I was working for a promotional & marketing company in the south of England. I was two years into my employment and was soon becoming the company’s top salesman and my success led to further responsibilities that involved the training of new staff. This included taking new staff members out of the office to visit various T-shirt printers, helping them to understand the process & costs involved when quoting customers for branded clothing. It was on the return back from the printers with my new staff members – I’ll call them Sally & Matt – that my sad story begins, with myself as a key witness to events that will soon unfold and hopefully conclude with your forgiveness…

Matt was driving, Sally in the passenger seat and I was in the back. I was gazing out of the window, daydreaming a little, when I noticed a beautiful swan that had flown into a barbed wire fence, its long neck and head tangled up and gasping for breath. The swan looked like it was turning black I think either with the lack of oxygen or because of the muddy field it was frantically flapping to escape from…it was an awful site and I was horrified.

Throughout my life I have always loved swans and thought it was my life duty to help rescue this lonely and scared majestic bird with whatever means possible. Immediately I called the operator and asked to be put through to the RSPCA at whatever cost, so after a no doubt expensive redirection and connection I began explaining my harrowing story to a member of RSPCA staff. I clearly explained the exact location of the field, and that they had no time to spare as the swan was turning black due to it being slowly strangled by the barbed wire fence. They took my details so that the emergency team could contact me should they need further guidance to find this poor and frightened creature.

At this point myself, Driver Matt & Sally had arrived back at our office. We all regaled the various members of staff with the story of the tragic bird, even though I was the only one who’d actually seen it. Someone suggested that I should immediately contact a local company – let’s call them SwanSavers – that protect swans on the local river, as they may be able to get there quicker. Great idea, I thought, so I called them and explained the whole heartbreaking story again.
Soon after I received a call from the RSPCA saying they’d deployed an ambulance from London that will be soon arriving at the field, which was about a 40 mile journey. This was quickly followed by another call from SwanSavers saying they were only 20 miles away and would be at the location I’d given them shortly. At this point I felt like a true hero for the Royal Swan Kingdom.

The whole office was on tenterhooks waiting with anticipation what would happen next, a little in awe of their newfound hero (me) and his selfless act…then the office phone rang and the receptionist said “It’s for you George, I think it’s the RSPCA”. The office fell silent. However it wasn’t the RSPCA, but it was my most important customer and a call that I had no choice to accept, or I would have lost a big sale.

Whilst on the phone to my customer, the RSPCA called and wanted to reconfirm the field’s location whilst at the same time confirm that they had also met up with the SwanSavers doctor who was also in the same field. Because I was on the phone, the receptionist asked Driver Matt to speak to them instead to reconfirm the black swan’s location. During Driver Matt’s explanation to the RSPCA my customer’s call had ended, so Matt put the call on loudspeaker for me and the office to listen to…

RSPCA: We are at the exact location you had confirmed, but we don’t see any swans, black or otherwise, tangled in barbed wire.
Driver Matt: Really, what can you see…?
RSPCA: Well sir, all we can see is a large black bin liner tangled in a fence flapping in the wind.

Matt then turned to me and looked in shock with embarrassment, then softly said sorry followed by hanging up the phone in horror. The office went silent for a few seconds, followed by hysterical laughter, all aimed at me. Oh the shame.

I would like to ask for forgiveness for misleading and wasting the time of the RSPCA and the SuperSwans Doctor. Plus I would like to ask the forgiveness to driver Matt who had to apologise on my behalf for hallucinating this event.
I await your punishment for this birdbrain, bird-lover that only wanted to save swan life rather than waste human time.

George.