Dear Father Simon and co

My confession follows on neatly from last Thursday’s Royal Train confession.

I used to work regularly as a technician at the Royal Albert Hall in
London, setting up sound and video equipment and the like. This was
not only on the stage, but also around the rest of the building, so I
was often to be found around the public areas and auditorium.

A few years back, the hall started to run behind the scenes tours to
allow the general public to view the building and see areas otherwise
off limits. As they were not allowed backstage, these tours mainly
consisted of a few dingy corridors, the royal box and the royal
‘retiring room’. The highlight of the tours (at least as far as some of
the tour guides were concerned) was a quick peek into Her Majesty's private WC. This was normally cordoned off with a velvet rope but the door itself was
left unlocked.

On this fateful day, I had been setting up some video equipment in an
area next to the Royal retiring room when I suddenly felt an urgent call of nature. The public toilets were locked and so I was faced with a long walk to
the back stage area... Or was I ?

The tours ran to a half hour timetable and one had just passed by, so I
took my chance. With a sly look both ways to check that the coast was clear, I bobbed under the velvet rope and settled myself upon the china throne, checking the door was locked securely.

Unfortunately and unbeknown to me, the hall had seen fit to run an
extra tour due to popular demand and at that very moment, the group was bearing down along the corridor getting closer and closer to me. There was no way I could vacate in time, so all I could do was sit tight and hope for the best.

Sure enough, soon I could hear the plummy tones of the tour guide pointing
out interesting pictures and architectural features as he made his way
along the corridor towards me. I heard the group being herded into the
Royal retiring room and knew the climax was near.

"And this is the Royal Loo, for use only by members of the Royal Family"
wafted through the door followed by the familiar ‘clink’ of the rope being
unhitched and the rattle of the door. Fortunately the lock held and
the guide, after a short pause, announced to the disappointed group "Oh,
security must have decided to lock it prior to the Royal command
performance tonight".

After another excruciating wriggle of the door, this time by a rather keen member of the group, they eventually drifted off, giving me time to make a swift exit. However, I did hear one of them say suspiciously ‘I’m sure there’s somebody in there, wasn’t that the sound of newspaper rustling’ before their footsteps finally disappeared from earshot.

So I would now like to apologise to 3 groups: First, the tour guide and group
who were denied a once in a lifetime view of the Royal Loo. 2nd, the cleaner who had to return the cubicle to the standards expected of a royal retiring room, and 3rd,to the next tour group, who found the door unlocked, but
might have wished they had left it another 10 minutes or so before entering.

I feel I can now come clean, having not worked at the Royal Albert
Hall for some years and seek absolution for the misdemeanours of my
younger years.

Many thanks

Johnny