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1 hour, 55 minutes
First broadcast:
Tuesday 11 October 2011

Simon's guest is crime author Ian Rankin, best known for his Rebus series of detective novels. Plus, there's a new Confession to consider, and a Jazzy Showstopper to pick.

Music Played

13 items
  • Image for The Police

    The Police Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic

    Ones On 1 (Radio 1 21st Birthday Albu, BBC

  • Image for James Morrison

    James Morrison I Won't Let You Go

    (CD Single), Island, 1

  • Image for Depeche Mode

    Depeche Mode Just Can't Get Enough

    Me Without You O.S.T. - Various, Columbia

  • Image for James Taylor

    James Taylor Your Smiling Face

    James Taylor - Classic Songs, CBS

  • Image for The Rolling Stones

    The Rolling Stones Satisfaction

    The Rolling Stones - Remastered, Abkco

  • Image for Lady Gaga

    Lady Gaga You & I (Mark Taylor Remix)

    (CD Single), Streamline Records, 2

  • Image for Pretenders

    Pretenders Stop Your Sobbing

    The Pretenders - The Singles, WEA

  • Image for Eurythmics

    Eurythmics and Aretha Franklin Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves

    Duets - 36 Of The World's Greatest Ev, Telstar

  • Image for Travis

    Travis Why Does It Always Rain On Me?

    (CD Single), Independiente

  • Image for Coldplay

    Coldplay Paradise

    (CD Single), Parlophone, 1

  • Image for Eddy Grant

    Eddy Grant I Don't Wanna Dance

    Fantastic 80's Disc 1 (Various Artis, Columbia

  • Image for The Beach Boys

    The Beach Boys Sloop John B

    The Best Of The Beach Boys (CD 1), EMI

  • Image for Kenny Ball

    Kenny Ball Midnight In Moscow

    Sleepy Shores - Instrumental Classics, Old Gold

  • Confession: Debris Or Not Debris

    Dear Simon, Mother Superior, brothers and sisters of the realm.

    I know this is a recent confession but it’s one which I really can’t hold on to much longer. I fear I shall burst with guilt unless you can release me.

    It was back on Friday 23rd September, when you may remember from the news that a certain satellite was falling to an unknown location, and excitable scientists were speculating just where it might fall. Well, I was out in my garden minding my own business and happened to overhear my neighbour over the fence, talking on the phone to her mother. The conversation, or at least the half of it I could make out, was all about this satellite and much to my annoyance, lots of laughs and chuckles broke out. This went on for about 15 minutes and got increasingly annoying to listen to as the bad signal on her mobile phone was obviously being attributed to the falling satellite from the skies around South Wales. They clearly found this idea hilarious. This really irritated me, I could take no more, and so got my children into the car and left earlier than normal for the school run.

    When I got home, I let my dog out to ‘water the grass’ and, and then I heard the door go on next door’s house, and before long a familiar conversation started – this time involving my neighbour and her visiting sister talking about – you’ve guessed it – this blinking satellite. I looked into the skies following their shouts of ‘here it comes!’ - followed by raucous laughter, and again, I could take no more, so I retired to my garage. I switched the light on and started to move the summer furniture back inside for the so-called winter. While in the garage I stumbled across a disused drum from my old washing machine which I had kept as a spare, but sadly it was a different size to my new one but I hadn’t got around to getting rid of it yet.

    It was at this point that I got a sudden urge to play a trick on my
    neighbour, so off I went in search of a few bits and bobs. I found a
    can of blue spray paint, some cardboard and a Stanley knife.

    I carefully cut out the word ‘NASA’ on the card like a stencil and placed it on
    the side of the drum and sprayed it. Well Simon, the special effects unit on the Star Wars set would surely have been pleased with my work – and I was so proud of my job that I sprayed the other side of it too and put it around the side of the house and locked up the garage as it was getting quite dark.

    Just before I went to bed, I crept outside and carefully threw this
    drum over the hedge . It left me at an angle of around 50 degrees, the trajectory was judged just right, and I heard the thud, rustle and ‘ting’ as it came to rest on next door’s patio via the lawn. I then legged it back into my
    house, chuckling to myself, wishing I could see the look on her face the
    next morning knowing I would be at work on an early shift by the time she got up.

    Well my alarm went off nice and early, up I jumped, got into the shower, went off to work and I completely forgot about what I had done the night before. That was until I was on the way home from West Wales later that morning when I pulled into a petrol station garage to use the bathroom and had a text message from a good friend of mine. Then text read "What has happened in your village, as the police have closed it off" .

    At this point my heart sank as it occurred to me this might be my fault, and I thought ‘What have I done?’. This was followed by a whole load of other text messages and phone calls from everyone wanting to know what had happened.

    So I now seek forgiveness from my neighbour whose garden I thought I had
    thrown the drum into and particularly her elderly neighbour the other side of her whose garden the drum had actually bounced into. Also from the 3 police cars that turned up and the white vans that accompanied them and all of my neighbours and villagers who were quite taken back by the situation until my fake NASA satellite was produced and the stamp of ‘Zanussi’ / ‘Hotpoint’ was shown to the neighbours.

    I have felt such a numpty ever since and didn’t have the heart to tell my neighbours that it was me.

    Yours heart still in throat



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