Dear Simon,

With a shaking hand I hover over the ‘send’ button. This terrible episode in my life was a very long time ago but is etched into my life like an 'I love Mum' tattoo. This Confession concerns myself and a girl called Julie who I was keen on. We were both teenagers at the time, but she was considerably more worldly wise than me and I was surprised and shocked when she agreed to a trip to the cinema.

I had never had a girlfriend and being a mixture of clumsy, terrified and desperate (a bad combination I fear ) I had great plans for our night out. It was 1978 and the film we went to see was the rabbit-themed tearjerker ‘Watership Down’. My grand plan centred on the fact that all those poor persecuted bunnies would create considerable upset, I would then step in with comforting arms and a clean hankie, Julie would see me as the strong sensitive type and true love would ensue. Well Simon, how very very wrong can you be!

We met outside the cinema, Julie was cool, but I was jittery, and in we went. Julie chose a seat towards the back and I thought "here we go". All boys will know this moment, sat next to the girl of your dreams, hormones racing, judgement impaired and no social skills whatsoever.

The film progressed, bunny eviction commenced and I could sense upset around the cinema. I made a move, my arm, previously stretched casually along the back of Julie's seat moved forward and rested on her shoulder, I waited for a reaction, none ensued, so clearly she didn’t mind. I was thrilled and moved to stage 2, more bunny upset and I used this sad smokescreen to move closer. I was now within striking distance and aware that the film was two thirds of the way through. A kiss was my aim though I was in un-charted territory here and with a racing pulse, mild nausea and poor timing, I launched at her.

The next few seconds will stay with me forever, not because it was a beautiful moment, not because this was my defining moment of 'becoming a man', no, you see at the very second I attempted the kiss, Julie sneezed. Now what I have failed to tell you is that the reason for my desperation and inexperience in the romance department was down to my lack of good looks coupled with a large unattractive brace on my teeth.

The problem was, Julie was wearing a hair slide and my launch and her sneeze led to me making contact with the side of her head, my brace locked onto her hairslide tightly, and in my agitated state I began to 'shake myself free' . Julie was clearly unaware of my predicament and sensed she was being attacked by a crazed werewolf trying to bite into her head, so her reaction was to start screaming at considerable volume. And how she screamed….

The next stage of proceedings are a little hazy, the house lights went up in the cinema, and the film was paused to much consternation from the audience. Having finally freed myself I was desperately trying to console poor Julie who was now sobbing and completely distressed. The cinema manager had me down as some kind of creep and wouldn’t listen to my pleadings, so I just had to watch as the staff rang Julie's parents and she was collected and driven home still crying and traumatised by our 'date'.

Needless to say, we never saw each other again, although I was able to return her hair slide via a mutual friend, and the cries of 'shark attack' (yes, unfortunately Jaws was also big at the box office at the time) soon died down.

Well Simon and team, I beg forgiveness, firstly from Julie herself, what that poor girl has been through, only she will know, from her parents who looked utterly shocked (her father gave me a particularly evil stare), the cinema manager who can only have wondered what he thought I was up to and of course the other cinema goers whose film was interrupted. ‘Watership Down’ was eventually restarted but no doubt the flow was ruined.

Lastly I must ask forgiveness from my very tolerant wife of 22 years, even now I wake some mornings and have to ask, "Darling, did I try to bite your head in the night? Just checking…".

Tom