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01/03/2011

Duration:
1 hour, 55 minutes
First broadcast:
Tuesday 01 March 2011

Alistair McGowan, TV impressionist and actor, joins Simon after 6. Plus, the team gather together to decide whether a Confession is worthy of forgiveness, and Simon sets a new Homework Sucks challenge. The latest Travel comes courtesy of Sally Boazman, Rebecca Pike makes sense of today's Money issues, and Matt Williams prepares a comprehensive Sport service, and you help choose tonight's Jazzy Showstopper ahead of Jamie Cullum at 7.

Music Played

13 items
  • Image for Fleetwood Mac

    Fleetwood Mac Say You Love Me

    The Very Best Of Fleetwood Mac, Warner Strategic Marketi, 13

  • Image for R.E.M.

    R.E.M. UBerlin

    (CD Single), Warner Bros, 1

  • Image for Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark

    Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark Sailing On The Seven Seas

    OMD: The Singles, Virgin, 17

  • Image for Belle and Sebastian

    Belle and Sebastian I Want The World To Stop

    (CD Single), Rough Trade, 1

  • Image for Cher

    Cher Gypsies Tramps & Thieves

    Cher - The Greatest Hits, Wea/Universal

  • Image for Spandau Ballet

    Spandau Ballet Gold

    The Gold Album (Various Artists), The Hit Label Ltd

  • Image for Queen

    Queen Seven Seas Of Rhye

    Queen - Greatest Hits, Parlophone, 11

  • Image for Earth, Wind & Fire

    Earth, Wind & Fire Let's Groove

    15th Anniversary Music Celebration (Various Artists), Rhino

  • Image for Billy Ocean

    Billy Ocean Caribbean Queen (No More Love On The Run)

    Billy Ocean - Love Is For Ever (L.I.F, Jive

  • Image for Manic Street Preachers

    Manic Street Preachers Postcards From A Young Man

    (CD Single), Columbia, 1

  • Image for Norah Jones

    Norah Jones Chasing Pirates

    (CD Single), Blue Note, 1

  • Image for Michael Jackson

    Michael Jackson Michael Jackson - Hollywood Tonight

    Michael, Sony, 1

  • Image for Madeleine Peyroux

    Madeleine Peyroux Don't Wait Too Long

    Madeleine Peyroux - Careless Love, Universal

  • Confession: The Fruit Of All Evil

    Dear Simon and the Holiest of the assembled collective,

    This confession goes back some 38 years to when I was a senior air steward jetting around the world to places such as Hawaii, Fiji, oh, and Prestwick, with gorgeous stewardesses, plenty of booze, and being paid for it. This particular confession relates to an incident (of which there are many) that happened in Nairobi after an extremely enjoyable 4 day ‘layover’ in which we had visited a game reserve, sunned ourselves by the pool, had numerous parties and met up with crews from other airlines for a few beers in a well known bar in the centre of the town.
    On the day of our departure back to Heathrow, as was the norm in those days, we all went to the Nairobi fruit market and purchased large baskets of beautiful fruit and veg such as pineapples, cumquats, avocados, enormous fresh runner beans etc., to impress guests at home at the ubiquitous dinner party. Once ordered, the baskets were made up and delivered to the hotel where they were loaded onto our coach along with the suitcases and the crew and transported to the airport.
    I should say at this stage that our skipper on this particular trip was one of the old school of pilots who, unlike most of the others, was both pompous and arrogant and truly considered himself to be a Deity. He may still be waiting for his Sainthood. We’ll call him Captain Carruthers. Both on and off the aircraft he had to be addressed as Captain Carruthers Sir. If you missed off the Sir, he would totally ignore you until you got it right. His breakfast on the aircraft consisted of corn flakes with slices of banana on top, and this could not be messed with (or so he thought!!). I think you’ve probably got a pretty good idea of the sort of person he was and the amount of sympathy for his long suffering wife.
    However I digress slightly. Back to Nairobi. We arrived at the aircraft and all boarded immediately to get the cabin ready for our passengers. All, that is, except Captain Carruthers Sir who stood and ensured the crew bags were correctly loaded into the hold as on a number of occasions, his suitcase had mysteriously remained on the tarmac as the aircraft taxied out. But that’s another confession.
    Once all had been loaded, he boarded the aircraft and in a voice that could strike fear into a solid rock statue, announced that, as no-one had asked his permission to put their fruit baskets in the hold, permission was denied and they would remain in Nairobi. That is, of course, apart from his own rather large and obviously very expensive basket, bulging with the very best in exotic produce. The whole crew were mortified but no amount of gentle pleading and grovelling would get him to change his mind. It was at that point that I decided to seek not only my revenge, but also that of the crew and of my dinner guests who would now have to drink even more copious amounts of cheap plonk to get over the disappointment of no dessert. Once the Captain was ensconced in the flight deck, I ran down the steps, ducked under the aircraft to avoid being seen and had his fruit basket passed down from the hold by a very puzzled but helpful baggage handler.
    I carefully placed his beautiful basket under the wheels of the baggage trolley and asked the unsuspecting driver to reverse quite slowly. The squelching sound had to be heard to be believed. I then passed the flattened basket back into the hold and returned to the cabin to greet the passengers. The flight home went without incident although the mood of the crew was one of understandable anger. On arrival at Heathrow, the crew bags were loaded onto the crew transport and taken to customs. It was at this point the flattened basket was discovered. As you can imagine, the innocent driver of the crew bus was subjected to a horrendous torrent of abuse for his negligence, and try as he might, the poor man could not convince the apoplectic purple faced Captain that he was not at fault.
    So I beg forgiveness, not for destroying the Captain’s basket or even for depriving his dinner guests of the various spoils of his trip, but for not owning up and going to the aid of the innocent driver . However, with no proof of any wrongdoing, the matter was eventually closed, the crew felt suitably avenged, the Captain got his come-uppance and shortly afterwards, to everyone’s great joy, the Captain retired.

    Anon

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