21/11/2009

Jungle

New EU president,
gentle Belgian man
I think I like you,
with your monthly monastic retreats,
your writing of Flemish Haiku,
your poetic name; Herman Van Roempy,
the man who's made Tony Blair's supporters grumpy.
They say Blair's key credential
is that he is properly...Presidential.
But second time round in the jungle,
there can be more to fear,
and Tony might have spent his summits
thinking; "I'm a Celebrity,
get me out of here"

Up North

As Leonard Cohen nearly said,
stop mithering,
I was born like this,
I had no choice,
I was born with the gift of a Northern voice,

I know hearing it makes some people groan,
and develop Irritable Vowel Syndrome
but I'd consider it deeply cruel,
if I woke up sounding like Brian Sewell

If you want your message to sound down to earth,
a Northern accent's the one to use
but I hope one day,
to hear the bongs strike ten,
and a Northerner reading the news.

I met a Daily Telegraph journalist
in Hull once,
it was the furthest North he'd ever been,
he was okay once he'd been issued,
with a passport
and a translating machine.

A Northerner is allowed to host
TV's Culture Show,
but it's alright cos she used to be in pop
and just by looking at her you wouldn't know.

If you escaped to Oxbridge in the fifties or sixties
from a Northern bog or a kitchen sink,
you'll have left your short "a"s
up a ginnel somewhere
in case they impeded your ability to think.

Though in case anyone disputes
your Northern roots,
they'll return sometimes
when you're on the phone
to folks back home.
or you've had too much to drink.

Wordsworth came South
and his Cumbrian tones
made people think he was a fool,
so he reflected upon his inward eye,
and sent his nephew to public school.

But I can't complain,
cos even with my voice,
I'm poeting on the BBC
though a version of this poem
will be written down
and translated into R.P.