Listen:
Availability:
Available to listen.
Last broadcast on Sat, 22 Aug 2009, 09:00 on BBC Radio 4.
STUDIO GUEST: SUGGS
GUERILLA REPORT: UFOs
DIPLOMACY: SIR JAMES SPICER
In the 1980s and 1990s Sir James Spicer acted as a foreign emissary for the Conservative party, travelling the world seeking audiences with some of the world's most dangerous men.
LOOKING FOR LOVE: ALLAN & CLAIRE
Allan Willis set up a website to help him try and find a wife. Eventually he married Claire Marjoram.
INHERITANCE TRACKS: DAME VERA LYNN
Dame Vera Lynn chose 'What's A Mammy, Daddy?' and 'We'll Meet Again'.
POET: KATE FOX
Kate Fox is a satirist, poet and stand up performer based in the North East of England. Sometimes she's funny, sometimes she's not. She likes the sea.
POEM: Kate Fox is Away
This week I'm away,
taking my annual holiday.
Don't worry that this poem isn't in the hands of Kate,
it's being perfectly well run by an enemy of the prostate.
The Prince of Darkness,
Mandelson can cast his web of spin,
so seamlessly you won't know
whether this poem's by me or him.
POEM: One in a million
For years I despaired
of finding a man suitable for me,
until I realised
I needed to think statistically
and searching would be more effective
if I adopted a global perspective.
In the world; three billion blokes,
if I discounted the ones who don't get jokes,
aren't single, over twenty five, under fifty
or over 5 foot 3,
I'd already eliminated Nicolas Sarkozy.
That still left over one billion candidates
as my potential mates.
Even losing Tory voters, men with moustaches or poodles,
criminal or Leo Sayer records
the certifiably insane,
ones who came on like John Leslie
or walked like John Wayne,
men who lived in igloos
(I hate being cold),
POEM: One in a million (cont'd)
ones who covered their teeth or their taps in gold,
that still left approximately six hundred million chaps
into whose arms I could collapse.
Getting rid of those who've been involved in violence, murder
or morris dancing,
there were still four hundred million men
within my ken,
talking of Ken, they couldn't be called that
or Herbert or Barry,
but that still meant three hundred and eighty million
I could marry.
I could then cut at a stroke all those who wouldn't reciprocate
if they met a weird poet like me on a date,
perhaps nineteen out of twenty
which sounds harsh but still leaves plenty.
Though in the end, after calculating the sixteen million men
I could meet
I got engaged to one who lived practically across the street,
with so much in common
the opportunity couldn't fail,
though he still asked me out
via email.
Broadcast
-
Sat 22 Aug 200909:00
© MMIX~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~47~RS~){kind=small}