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The crappest car in Britain - named and shamed in Crap Cars




The humble and much-loved Volkswagen Beetle is the crappest car in Britain according to Crap Cars, a new book published tomorrow.

 

From the aesthetically pathetic to the mechanically misguided, Crap Cars (£9.99, BBC Books) lists the 50 worst cars ever to grace the roads of Britain, including tales of the most appalling cock-ups in motoring history.

 

Author Richard Porter, who compiled the list, says: "The Volkswagen Beetle hit the number one spot because it's slow, it's noisy, it's uncomfortable and it has such a completely pathetic heater than on cold days you'd be better off setting fire to your hair. The Beetle marks you out as a mush-brained git who knows nothing about cars. It's a dismal car with its engine in the wrong place. The only good thing about it is that after 57 years of continual production - about 55 years too long - Volkswagen finally killed it off."

 

Crap Cars is a celebration of the shoddy, the inept and the downright ugly, featuring 50 wince-inducing photos to illustrate each entry. According to Richard, the following cars cruise into the Top 10 Crappest Cars in Britain:

 

1. VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE

"For some reason, beardy peaceniks and straggly-haired surfer dudes love the Beetle, thinking it is alternative and cool. Which is fine, although it does overlook the fact that it's also clearly bollocks."

 

2. AUSTIN ALLEGRO

"The Godfather of the crap car. The people who translated the original designs into metal got their maths wrong and made the sides all bulbous and fat. Then some clot from marketing insisted it would be a corking idea to have a square steering wheel."

 

3. SUZUKI X90

"A pretend 4x4 that would get stuck in a puddle. It doesn't even have the saving grace of looking rugged."

 

4. MORRIS MARINA

"This car corners with all the sure-footed competence of a child on roller skates. There's low-tech, and then there's the Morris Marina, which is based on something Noah found in his shed."

 

5. LADA RIVA

"This is the real reason the Russians had it tough under Communist rule. A cheap and incompetent remix of a sixties Fiat, offering grimness of a miserable depth."

 

6. NISSAN SERENA

"Amazingly, the name wasn't the worst thing about this car. No, that would be the almost complete lack of anything resembling performance. Its acceleration time from 0-60 was measurable in months."

 

7. BOND BUG

"Cheese. Nice enough on toast, a stupid thing to use as an inspiration for a car design. Especially since they only sold it in orange. Frankly, you'd be better off trying to drive around in an actual piece of cheese. At least fewer people would have laughed at you."

 

8. RELIANT ROBIN

"Holds the lap record at the famous Le Mans circuit in France. Hang on, I was thinking of something else. The Robin is an unloved pile of s***. Sorry."

 

9. TRABANT

"Had an engine so lame even the people who made electric carving knives deemed it feeble. When the Berlin Wall came down, news reports claimed that East Germans 'flooded' over the former border. Not if they were driving Trabants they didn’t. 'Farted' would have been more appropriate."

 

10. MGB

"The MGB is the darling of the classic car scene. Which is odd because it is spectacularly rubbish. The only thing worse than driving one would be having your face pushing into a lawnmower. And come to think of it, that sounds quite nice."

 

Notes to Editors:

Crap Cars, by Richard Porter, is published by BBC Books on Thursday October 14, £9.99.

 

Richard Porter is the creator of the acclaimed website www.sniffpetrol.com.

 

The cars featured in Crap Cars solely reflect the author's opinion.

 

The full list of 50 cars that made it into the book:

50. Lancia Monte Carlo

49. Porche 924

48. Ford Scorpio

47. Cadillac STS

46. Renault Safrane

45. Jaguar XJ40

44. Ford Escort MK1V

43. Yugo Sana

42. Mitsubishi 3000GT

41. Rover 800

40. Volvo 340

39. Delorean DMC-12

38. Vauxhall Belmont

37. Triumph TR7

36. Rolls-Royce Carmargue

35. Talbot Tagora

34. Suzuki Wagon R

33. Volvo 262C

32. Subaru XT

31. Nissan Sunny Coupe

30. Skoda Estelle

29. Renault 9

28. Maserati Biturbo

27. Daihatsu Move

26. Alfa Romeo Arna

25. Hyundai Pony

24. Fiat Strada

23. Subaru Justy

22. Austin Maestro

21. Toyota Space Cruiser

20. Fiat 126

19. Daihatsu Applause

18. Ferrari 400

17. Austin Ambassador

16. Yugo 45

15. Datsun Sunny 120Y

14. Aston Martin Lagonda

13. Susuki SJ

12. FSO Polonez

11. Seat Marbella

10. MGB

9. Trabant

8. Reliant Robin

7. Bond Bug

6. Nissan Serena

5. Lada Riva

4. Morris Marina

3. Suzuki X90

2. Austin Allegro

1. Volkswagen Beetle


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Date : 13.10.2004
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