Dr. Paul: No, No, No and NO

The Questions

What will happen if a Scottish Parliament is voted into being?

QUESTION TWO

Who is eligible to vote in the referendum?

QUESTION THREE

What did The Boss (Bruce Springsteen) give Sting (Sting) for his 40th birthday?

QUESTION FOUR

Which crooner lost almost a stone through liposuction. Was it Frank Sinatra, Kenny Rogers or Daniel O'Donnell?

QUESTION FIVE

How exactly do you define democracy?

QUESTION SIX

Are the prospective 129 Scottish MPs more excited about ...

a)Getting to lunch out in style in Edinburgh city centre with posh folks quite a lot during the next few years

or

b) Finally getting to tackle social deprivation from Clydebank to Campbeltown?

QUESTION SEVEN

Who will sit in the new parliament?

QUESTION EIGHT

How many furlongs are there in a mile?

QUESTION NINE

Is voting NO NO a lost cause?

QUESTION TEN

What was the Billy Crystal film City Slickers called when it was shown in France?

That's all for now. Take as much time as you need to answer but try and get it finished by Thursday.

The Answers

QUESTION ONE: What will happen if a Scottish Parliament is voted into being?

On paper, The Scottish Parliament may have the power to change things, but they won't. The difference between a bunch jumped-up, out-of-touch, self-important jessies in London and a bunch of jumped-up, out-of-touch, self-important jessies in Edinburgh is really very little.

Life will go on much as before. As it did before and after the death of John F Kennedy. As it will do when everyone's forgotten about Diana. You'll just have to pay a little more for the privilege. I know six pounds a week isn't much, but you know how these things mount up and I'm sure you've got enough on your plate already.

QUESTION TWO: Who is eligible to vote in the referendum?

On the face of it - the easy answer is "The Scottish People". And that would be right if it were so simple.

But it's NOT that simple. Take me: I was born down South and I moved up here when I was four. I've got a Scottish accent and I support the Scottish football team, but I'm not Scottish. And I'm certainly not English. So what's that all about? Well - I'm British - just like the rest of you.

We're all British. Britain's been up and running properly since 1707 and whatever your view on the rights and wrongs of events that took place nearly 300 years ago - you HAVE to admit that we're all now British .

How can you tell? - just turn on the telly or the radio and the chances are you'll be looking at some British culture.

Leaflets: nae prented in Scoats

Show me someone who only listens to Scottish music, only watches Scottish television, only reads the Scottish bits in their Scottish paper - and I'll show you a madman. It just doesn't happen You'll notice they didn't print any copies of their "Scottish Parliament" leaflet in Scots - only English, Gaelic, Punjabi, Urdu, Chinese and Arabic.

So I'm not Scottish - and I'm not the only one. Roughly one million of the five million people living in "Scotland" weren't born here. And what about all the "Scots" who live in other parts of the UK or The World. Scots like Kenny Dalglish, Gary McAllister, Lorraine Kelly, Eddie Mair, Robert Millar, Lulu, or even Spain-loving super-Scot Sean Connery? Why aren't they getting a vote, after all they've done for "us"?

In reality,"Scotland" is a line on a map and after that it's all about personal interpretations. Some of you reading this will be dyed-in-the-wool Scots patriots others will be more like me - feeling more in common with people from Liverpool and Newcastle than people from Wick, Ullapool or Auchterarder, wherever that is.

QUESTION THREE: What did The Boss (Bruce Springsteen) give Sting (Sting) for his 40th birthday?

QUESTION FOUR: Which crooner lost almost a stone through liposuction. Was it Frank Sinatra, Kenny Rogers or Daniel O'Donnell?

QUESTION FIVE: How exactly do you define democracy?

Quite how this is achieved by giving power to a new class of self-interested politicians is not clear. Remember the election? Everyone said they were sick of the Tories but they weren't turned on by Labour either. Everyone said they hated politicians and just wanted the campaign to stop. Everyone was bored to tears, so why do we want more politicians now?

Remember - we're not replacing anyone - we're creating a whole new set of pompous, boring, shallow, corrupt idiots. We'll still have to put up with that lot down in London as well as new bunch. You'll notice how the YES YES campaign has been keeping decidedly low-key up till this week. That's because they KNOW we don't like politicians and they KNOW that if they just shut up (which is what we really, really want) - then we might not get bored with them and we might just vote them in.

In Britain we've got good democracy, good personal freedom to say what we want and question things. More MPs isn't democracy - it's a gravy train.

QUESTION SIX: Are the prospective 129 Scottish MPs more excited about

a)Getting to lunch out in style in Edinburgh city centre with posh folks quite a during over the next few years

or

b) finally getting to tackle social deprivation from Clydebank to Campbeltown?

QUESTION SEVEN: Who will sit in the new parliament?

The people who'll find themselves sitting in "Scotland's Parliament" will be made up of the following groups:

• Politicians who failed to make it to Westminster because they weren't good enough.
• Those who would refuse on principle to sit in a Westminster, i.e.: boring old nationalist beardies with a home collection of shortbread tins and Alexander Brothers records.
• Sleazy, corrupt small-time ex-local councillors with a talent for networking.
• Bandwagon-jumping stars of "showbiz" have also expressed an interest. I know Elaine C Smith has thrown her hat in already so you can already guess the rest.

Scottish MPs will not be thin

It looks like a recipe for endless sex scandals and hopeless mismanagement of OUR CASH. A lot of the people in the new parliament will be FAT, not fat cats, just actually FAT. They will be swilling and stuffing themselves rotten in the bistros of Edinburgh with OUR CASH. I'm not saying the Westminster crowd are any good either - but why do we want to employ even more of their sort?

QUESTION EIGHT: How many furlongs are there in a mile?

QUESTION NINE: Is voting NO NO a lost cause?

Or at least that's what Scotland's incompetent media would have you believe. The dull-witted campaign has so far refused to climb above the level of insults. The Record keeps saying YES YES - but forgetting to say why, apart from printing the word SCOTLAND quitea lot - very sophisticated.

They keep saying it's definitely going to be YES YES - you'd have to be crazy to think anything else because its such a lost cause.

But, there again they said that Labour were going to win in 1992. They said Raith Rovers had no chance against Celtic in the 1994 Coca-Cola Cup and they said Ireland were going to win the Eurovision again. So if you don't like it - don't be downhearted, get out there and vote against the gravy train.

QUESTION TEN: What was the Billy Crystal film City Slickers called when it was shown in France?

How Did You Do?

If you scored:

100 points: As well as intimate knowledge of Bruce Springsteen - your knowledge of Scottish Politics is perfect. You are fully aware of EXACTLY what would happen in the event of a YES YES vote, a NO NO vote and even a YES NO vote. You must have had some information that the rest of us missed during the referendum "campaign". You do not exist.

Between 75 and 99 points: A good, solid understanding of the issues. Either that or you are clueless and you know quite a lot about movies and pop stars. No matter what the truth is - you obviously pay some attention to the world and your vote will be welcome on Thursday.

Between 10 and 75 points: This is the rest of us - fairly vague about the politics of devolution and not that fussed about the lives of the rich and famous. All I can recommend is sitting down and having a really good think before you decide what to vote for on Thursday.

Less than 10 points: Numbskulls corner - I'll try and keep this simple... Don't just vote YES YES because The Record/ The Big Issue/The List/The BBC/The Herald/Local Radio/any other media numpties are trying to tell you its the right thing to do.

Just try to remember how much you like politicians and then ask yourself if you really want another 129 of them?

I hope you scored well

See you later,

Love, Doctor Paul