After the birth

Once the baby has arrived, it's perfectly normal for your child to feel angry and upset. To help her:

• Encourage her to help with the baby - she could find a nappy or a bath toy, for example - but never insist on this if she isn't interested
• Make sure you keep an eye on her and only allow gentle touching of the baby with you supervising
• 'Over-loving' - hugging too tight or kissing too hard - is common and demonstrates confusion and the love-hate feelings she might have for the baby
• Point out that the baby seems to like her, perhaps when he smiles or looks at her

As well as anger and confusion, you may also witness some regressive behaviour in your older child after the birth. For example:

• Wanting a bottle or to breastfeed
• Going backwards with regard to toilet teaching
• Wanting to be carried or dressed by you
• Wanting sleep in a cot
• Wanting a dummy

Stay calm, never get angry and allow your older child time to adjust.

Time share

Although you're busy with a new baby, it's important to spend time with your older child too. Try to:

• Give your older child special time and attention, perhaps when the baby's asleep - read or play together and try to do this every day, even if it's only for a few minutes.
• Let your older child have some special 'big kid' privileges - being able to stay up an extra ten minutes or choosing her own clothes, for example - and stress that the baby isn't lucky enough to have these privileges.
• Ask friends and family to show affection to your older child as well as the baby.

Growing up together

Sibling rivalry sometimes increases with age. Older children may only begin to show annoyance when the baby starts to be mobile and snatches their toys or interferes with their games. And a younger child may be jealous when her big brother or sister starts school.

You may find your children go through stages: they may be great friends at one age, then fall out all the time at another. This is quite normal.

If you think your children will never get along, it's better not to force them together. It might be better to let them have separate friends and activities.

• If at all possible each child in a family should have somewhere that is all their own. If space is tight, this could be a drawer or a box - somewhere to keep private treasures.

This article was last reviewed by Heather Welford in August 2008.